otago massacre

best ways to die in dunedin III by ophalm
April 22, 2009, 10:10 pm
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

it’s been said that you can only die once. this was stated as fact by a medical professional so it’s not just hearsay either. and with this is mind, we ask ourselves why choosing death is so far down on people’s goals for life (usually). but here I am trying to bring death back, make it more fashionable than when james dean died of death related causes. and here is one of the more glamourous and kind ways to die

being sent a fatal amount of valentine’s day teddy bears from amy joseph


not even sure is this is even aj, but a quick internet search reveals this to be a facebook picture of someone with the same name and relevant details. god bless the internet

as unlikely as you’d imagine this to be, it’s actually a common occurrence and spoken about around many a campfire all new zealand christian camps. I hear she buys them from a large range of shops, not alerting shop owners to her large purchases and consequently not gaining the label of “bear shopper”.
the manner in which the bears kill is largely unknown even to the police who examined the scene, as the only evidence found were a number of teddy bears with a lethality matched only by home and away brand generic “drugs”. it’s claimed the bears were delivered by courier and that the victims were required to sign, and what appeared to be an electronic signing box with poor signature recognition was really a death certificate but for the victims at the time this was unknown.

the main problem with this form of death isn’t the delicious and cuddly way of dying itself, but how to get this arranged. the specific array of bears isn’t just made up and I haven’t even found the method on the internet, only the lovely aj knows..
so I guess the first step you’d wanna take is being her boyfriend – or convincing her to take you as her girlfriend if the case may be. and doing this in time for valentines day. and not telling her your motive, because I mean, I’d be personally insulted if someone asked me out because they wanted to die..

only once a year people, only one very lucky person a year

the best ways to die in dunedin II by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, terrible fiction | Tags: , , , , ,

posted by ophalm

once again death blows it’s stinking odour in our general direction. but what if we could make that stench appealing? what if dying in dunedin could be fun and entertaining? no what ifs needed my friends, because the time is here
one thing that’s amazing about death is simply the vast array of choices you have! here are but some

freefall suicide from the richardson building

blue skies mean joyful deaths

blue skies mean joyful deaths

why the richardson building? why not jump to your death off something more interesting? well lets be honest what is more interesting that jumping off of a building with the nickname of “dick”?
if we are truly being honest many things are more interesting and maybe this is what makes jumping off the richardson building such an attractive way to die. it’s humble. pride is a terrible sin and humility is a virtue all but lost in our terrible society. suiciding from the RB brings a smile to a child’s face and a tear to a grandma’s eye. how much are these things worth? they can’t be paid for in money that’s for sure – only in integer values of human lives.

cutting the brake system in boy racer’s cars

ok I’ve turned the notion on it’s head, because the death here is the third person, not the first person, but that’s ok because it’s boy racers that are dying

lets pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

let us pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

this is lovely because this can be applied in any city in the world. see boy racers are terrible. by definition. if a boy racer isn’t a terrible person, well then they’re not a boy racer.
what we’d like to see done here is sabotage. boy racers often have jobs which they need in order to pay off their ridiculous loans, so they can’t be driving all the time. you need to get under the car and using some tools break the relevant part of the brakes that stops them from dying.
next thing you know, the boy racer is driving (probably excessively in some manner) along and wants to stop but he can’t and if by sheer luck you happen to see this you’ll be filled with joy as you watch his face in shock as his car ploughs into a powerpole and his head is destroyed against the wind screen.
some family members may cry and maybe even the girl he got pregnant after high school cries too. but you can’t win without losing and every time a boy racer dies the universe wins

tales from the pit of despair IV by ophalm
March 28, 2009, 4:13 pm
Filed under: horrible, nonsensical, terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

posted by ophalm

in my efforts to inform the world of the latest and the greatest, I want to present a new movement that’s emerging simultaneously in eastern europe and the arctic, and that is the practice of meatopathy

comparable to naturopathy in naming conventions, meatopathy is an approach to holistic health by making sure one’s consumption consists of nothing but meat. if this sounds crazy, it is. but all the best ideas are crazy

in a nutshell, the scientists of eastern europe and the arctic have discovered that the human gut cannot actually process vegetables, and that it is only the gut of the beast that is able to. vegetables of course are required to survive, but essentially we need the beast as the proxy digestive agent. animals consume vegetables, which turns into meat, and we consume the meat.


I’ve frequently wondered if anyone will ask me such questions as “why meatopathy?” and “how does this seem like a good idea?” and let me tell you I have wizz bang answers for everyone and everything thing.

here are some facts!

  • meat is high in protein
  • meat comes from animals
  • the production of meat pumps out millions of tons of co2 every year
  • meat is delicious
  • meat is backed by the meat foundation
  • chicken is a form of meat

often crazy vegetarians will “inform” you that meat involves the murder of animals but have they ever considered that without meat the animals wouldn’t be alive? that we wouldn’t have bred cows and sheep from the ancestors and we wouldn’t have the sheep or the cow? and what about pigs – nature’s jolly fat people? if we didn’t have pigs we wouldn’t have cartoons based on pigs and we would have less bacon

so is there anything special required to practice meatopathy? well there is a training seminar to be held soon in the golden centre. it only costs $3 and you get a pamphlet and some ribs and you too can learn the practice of helping the world through meat. see meat does not just nourish your body but also your soul, and that my friends is something that cannot have a price attached.

tales from the pit of despair III by criticalwat
March 24, 2009, 10:08 pm
Filed under: nonsensical, terrible fiction

posted by criticalwat aka PostCount++ (hello tn)

A call to [crap out] write terrible fiction!

Today I thought I’d be lazy and instead of thinking up a new idea I’ll just adapt one I’ve been fiddling around with in my head for terrible fiction.

Tuesday Night (Lab)

The scientist looked at the subject in the sensory deprivation chamber and was pleased. It was evident after all of the initial testing that he was well chosen. He put up very little resistance to the drugs and the power of suggestion in the early testing and unlike last weeks subject still had a body temperature of roughly 38 degrees and a functioning brain.

It also appears that he has fully immersed himself in the ideal dream like state where our diligent researcher can examine the more…creative ways of breaking a person.

Wednesday Morning (Mind)

I woke up. It appears that my vision has gone back to normal and I am no longer immersed in the hellish colours of before and my hearing seems like it was before? Before what.. Surely there must of been a time before Monday when I started renting this room  and where I learnt to reason as I do but I cannot for the life of me remember anything before then.

Maybe I’m sick. Yes I am sick and that’s why yesterday I couldn’t hear where sounds were coming from properly and why I couldn’t see the right colours for the right objects.

It is decided then, I am sick. I will spend my day indoors and in bed where nothing will possibly go wrong. I pull the covers of my head and just before I am about to sleep I hear someone say “But if we inject more drugs we might”.

I awake with a start with the words DO IT ringing in my ears. I get out of the bed and go to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see this is not my face I am looking at.The red mist comes over me and I punch the glass.

I don’t see blood but instead my whole world suddenly goes black and yet I feel more real somehow. Like this is what reality is and that other world was just a fake..I remember being brought to the place I am now.. I did not purchase this room! I was dragged here most of the way from what I remember on Saturday night during my brief bouts of wakefulness. Yes! I remember what actual colour looks like! Its all coming back to me now!

I can’t see or hear like I could in the other world but what little I can feel of my left arm suddenly went numb and my last thought is that it doesn’t matter anyway. This is the end

Wednesday Morning (Lab)

“Fucking hell thats the 5th one we’ve gone through!”

campus watch declares “war on students” by ophalm
March 16, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

after one too many “fuck you campus watch” like statements, campus watch have decided that their presence has been ignored for long enough and they are declaring a “war on students”

ak47s on campus?

put down your lunch you pot smoking hippies

it’s not clear yet what their offensive will consist of – but be rest assured – they will still not have the power to arrest you. but will they molest you? maybe not as too many have already been molested and now they are watched too closely for them to risk it. people say that no good can come from molestation but in this case the rule is proved wrong

“They are all good kids.” claims campus watcher in the ODT. what is this two faced approach to the students? I get the impression it’s more of a grooming style attempt to lure children into their “cave” ala hansel and gretal. only in this story it’s not as sick as a grandmother trying to fry children – it’s worse.

campus watch gets a bad rap sometimes. is it deserved? is it due to their hate filled attitudes towards student activities? is it bitterness caused undoubtedly because they themselves didn’t go to university and they have to watch everyone else improve themselves?
these are all things that contribute towards the students opinion of campus watch and our opinion of them is all the matters really. the dean of the university likes to think what he thinks counts, but, um, no..

eitherway none of this is going to make campus watch any more relevant by trying to appeal to the “war on X” movement of late. apparently they help people get across campus safely at night time and some other noble activities, but the recent two faced war on students is likely to drive the public’s opinion of campus watch from “better than jason gunn” to “worse than jason gunn”

tales from the pit of despair II by ophalm
February 24, 2009, 10:12 pm
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags:

giving you the worst even though you don’t want it

Guess who I met today
I was in a local healthy/expensive type supermarket here in Shackleton (we have a lot of those) and I’m in line to buy some ham at the deli there. The lady asked me what kind, and I said “I have no idea what different kinds of ham there are lady” ENTIRELY too loudly and the guy behind me in the line noticed burst the hell up laughing.

I turn around. Steve Martin.

He kinda half leans around me and says “Honey glazed” to the lady over the counter and I just kinda stare at him for a sec then smile and say thanks. I’m about to pay for it and he says “No way this one’s on me” and pays the woman for it right there. I was astounded – I thought you had pay at the checkout; and it was so awesome that I did the only thing I could think of … The Three Amigos salute. Once again he cracks up and asked me if I had any idea how long it had been since someone did that. I said “a year?” he said “try ten”.

We ended up having coffee at a place across the street. Turns out he bought a house in Monticeto, a really expensive residensial area in SB, and has been living here a while. We talked about everything that wasn’t his career for about 45 miniutes before he had to take off because his deli stuff was gonna go bad. I shook his hand and said he made my year today. He smiled and beat my head in with a tire iron.

the best ways to die in dunedin I by ophalm
February 19, 2009, 1:00 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

they say that nothing is certain in life but death and taxes – but I wonder if aids children in africa have to pay aids tax?

but death is surely sure and now is as good of a time as any to discuss how we’re gonna plan your death.

now dunedin is a good spot for mortality, and if you choose this as your final place may we recommend some scenarios.

stabbed by mayor peter chin

he will thrust so gently with his dagger

he will thrust so gently with his "dagger"

it may come as a surprise but dunedin’s mayor, peter chin runs a funeral service – in that he gives them a reason to exist. being stabbed to death though by M.P.C. is not cheap feat. I hear that if you have to ask just how much, you can’t afford it


being dealt strychnine laced mdma pills from marc ellis

such a sweet delightful death it will be

such a sweet delightful death it will be

typically when people think of mdma (ecstasy) people think of life changing – best time of my life – experiences. not today. just as you think you’re about to come up you’ll move into muscular convulsions and die through asphyxia or sheer exhaustion. people will think you’re an awesome dancer but you’ll actually be dying a slow death

tales from the pit of despair I by ophalm
February 17, 2009, 7:08 pm
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags: ,

giving you the ridiculous even though you don’t want it

what science do you have a problem with today? right now we’ve got the lies of electricity

“The Theory of Electricity.” remember this: no-one has ever seen an electron.

according to the theory of electricity, there are electrons all over the place, moving around atoms in an unknown fashion. sometimes we have electrons in our body.. have you ever felt one?

and the theory contains clear inconsistencies – scientists tell us lightning is electricity, but it’s clearly light. 

by convincing people that the theory of electricity is true, scienticians are playing a dangerous game. every year thousands of people are hospitalised – many even die – because of “electric shocks” they believe they have recieved. the myth of electricity is so ingrained that they actually feel a shock and die because they expect to!

and every day we continue to teach our children this dangerous falsehood. I weep for the nation’s future.

march 13th is bring a weapon to class day by ophalm
February 16, 2009, 1:11 am
Filed under: student life, terrible fiction, uni | Tags: , , ,

in keeping with tradition, when a friday the 13th occurs in the month of march, it become bring a weapon to class day.
this is what we call an unsanctioned holiday, meaning that it is no way supported by the university, the police, the human rights commission or anyone at all in the general public. infact it’s safe to say that no-one at all sanctions or encourages this.

the idea is to bring a weapon to class. the main concept is pretty easy but you also get points on the kind of weapon brought, and multiple weapons means a sum of their points. some weapons are given a large amount of points because of difficulty of concealment, risk of self injury and originality. those weapons that are easy to carry obviously represent a small amount of points. if someone is willing to carry a weapon openly in public, there is no benefit or detriment to them points wise, although it will make it easier to gain more points, but also expose themselves to the law – in which case the person’s participation in the holiday is null and void and we will deny all knowledge of their participation.

here is a sample list of some of the weapons that have been used in the past

glock 19 – 46 points
a particular favorite amongst the multi-carriers out there. on it’s own it doesn’t net a lot of points – it’s just too damn easy to conceal, but it’s easy to carry a number of them and it’s gangsta appeal means that you get a lot of street cred for this particular weapon. also, 19 rounds?


prison shank – 28 points + 4 points for rust
not a bad weapon for amateurs. having a home made – home loved feel, it’s perfect for inflicting damage in those that care to come too close. what can be said about such a humble weapon? a design passed down by generations of criminals, it’s a weapon that’s only real rival is the fist itself. bonus points for rust as tetanus turns any woundee from a grisly mess on the ground to a stiff grisly mess on the ground. it’s not really as funny as it is educational


studded mace – 78 points
this is a mixed bag. it’s not easy to conceal and it’s probably easy to drop on your foot, and it’s somewhat original, so it’s got all that going for it; but on the other hand, it’s a weapon that’s probably used in WoW. and that in itself instantly tarnishes any lethality this weapon once had. it’s heritage is so bathed in fantasy no-one is even sure if it ever existed or if was merely the end result of a dungeon master’s wet dream.


harry potter wand – 3 points
are you kidding me? is this really even a weapon? it’s more of a tool used to pick up dudes in a gay bar, just before it’s used to probe them. in fact the only reason it earns points at all is because of the sheer balls required to withstand the shame of bring one to class.







ak47 – 157 points
brutal. simply brutal. very very difficult to conceal, but kinda difficult to self harm with. very easy to non-self harm though, and let’s be honest, that’s what weapons are all about. this weapon has probably killed more men than any other assault rifle, and that places it in a special corner of my heart. if ak47s were a race of people, their females would be the sexiest bitches alive


ninja star – 4 points
pretty lame to be honest. trying to win a competition by purchasing goods from funk that? if it wasn’t for technicalities I wouldn’t even give points for this. it’s easy to conceal, and it’s only value comes from the fact that it’s not too difficult to hurt yourself – although the chances are that it’s not even sharp.


tzar bomba
automatic win, points not even necessary. if you seriously dared bring the largest nuclear weapon ever detonated to class, you’d be an instant winner, slutty girls would be yours for the taking. I mean, the amount of effort probably would not be worth it, but it would be a classic tale and enthrall children at story time for generations to come

the fact is that any weapon will do, and points are awarded on a case by case basis on the criteria I have mentioned plus whatever the judges feel like doing on the day. there is no actual requirement of using the weapon on another person – in fact we strongly recommend against that if we want to continue having this holiday in years to come.

there’s nothing more to add. you have to be in to win. the prizes are