otago massacre

Thursday Wordshit #2 by criticalwat
March 11, 2010, 3:28 pm
Filed under: drinking culture, drugs, horrible


Today is thursday so I will write words for you to read.

Energy Drink Review
Lo-Carb Monster Energy 500ml can

so good for you,it’ll probably give you cancer before it makes you fatter

Taste: Like how bubblegum flavoured V would taste but less sugary. As you could imagine it leaves a little bit of an aftertaste

Marketing Spiel:

Pretty retarded. By energy drink standards its better then the  macho shit mother and demon spouts as well as Relentless’s whole “Suffer for your ART” thing…still they could of said everything that needed saying about the product in the second last line

“Tear into a can of the meanest energy drink on the planet. LO CARB MONSTER ENERGY.

We went down to the lab and performed major surgery on the Monster. We hacked out the carbohydrates and calories,transplanted the massive buzz and dialed in the flavor.

Lo-Carb Monster Energy still delivers the big bad buzz you know and love but only has a fraction of the calories

Unleash The Beast!”

Mixed with alcohol: What are you retarded? This shit is bad enough for you already. If you have to I guess it wouldn’t mix too badly as a replacement to red bull in a jägerbomb in terms of taste since its not as strong tasting as red bull.

Strength: As its not a “nutritional supplement” (some drinks like NOS try to get more caffeine in their drinks by calling them that) its about average for a 500ml drink. Mother and Demon are a little bit stronger though.

Price: I paid about $3.20 from Rob Roy. I think thats pretty standard

Other: This stuff smells really strongly of bubblegum even once the can is empty. Its actually kinda weird

Computer Tip

edit: dropbox has a web interface. disregard my bullshit

Also a tip for windows users. try opening up msconfig every so often and unchecking the stuff you don’t absolutely need at startup in the startup tab. This will save a lot of time when you start your computer.

You can do this by opening up Run (should be under accessories depending on your version of windows) and typing in msconfig to open the program.

Then just click on startup and uncheck stuff you don’t think you need. Remember you can just open up apps as you need them anyway

critic cavern by ophalm
September 21, 2009, 1:36 pm
Filed under: dunedin, horrible, philosophy, rant, student life, uni | Tags: , , , , , , , ,


apparently there was this big rally and people drove down from christchurch and there were riots. in fact it seems that this issue of critic is composed entirely of articles about it. well, there was some other shit but yeah..


Continue reading

news watch 10/08/09 by ophalm


news8just when you thought life couldn’t get more mad this happens. widen understanding huh? at the end of the day though you have two mutually exclusive religions. you can teach tolerance in the sense that one will “tolerate” the other but is that good enough? where is the atheism stand in the middle offering the rational alternative? nope buddy

newas8somehow these people are retarded yet look normal and can speak in formed sentences

news6it took me a while to understand what the fuck this ad was trying to say. what was I missing? tv that’s what. it fucks me off that it assumes that a) I watch tv and b) watch some shit hospital show. thanks to this ad powershop I will never give you sweet $$

news5there are few things that truly call for alarm but this fits the bill

news4no fucking shit. most obvious blatant advice ever

news3haha this seems upon first glances to be an ad for kindy but closer inspection reveals its child prostituting ways

news1a closer look:
“to unfurl the body is to enable the body to strengthen, straighten and evolve to its optimum potential”.. god I hope that people read that and realise what bullshit it is. the body itself will evolve to it’s own potential, all you need to do is unfurl.. maybe it’s this kind of shit that caused the economic crisis?

critic cavern 30/07/09 by ophalm
July 30, 2009, 10:38 pm
Filed under: horrible, student life | Tags: , , , ,


well jizz in my eye it’s another week of critic mayhem. sorry I’m a bit late, unlike most of the internet I have a life, with things to achieve and people to look after, and unlike some people I put my internet responsibilities down the list. don’t want to end up 40 and divorced because I left my partner for my WoW team mate do I?

this cover is te meke! you should all learn maori I think. I had one entire lecture on pronunciation and another lecture by a really fat maori guy about how it’s our duty as health professionals to make sure maori are healthier. the irony is something I love but as far as racism goes I’m not really racist I was just stating what happened

another week another tragedy of print. the brazilian wax job has moved from the last page to the front. something about the ad just hints (reeks) of tactless porn. “free brazilian” just is not appealing unless you’re a penny pinching slut sorry. maybe get rid of the girl and make the ad less blatant. at least it’s a welcome distraction from the editorial.

why is juicy colourless? why is it not called juicy? why do they make references to old magazines that have already been used as cat litter? these are all good questions but critic don’t give a fuck.

this weatherston case. apparently a lot of people care about this, or at least have some sort of morbid interest. probably because it has something to do with the university. personally, I just don’t care. I mean, I care in general that murderers go to jail, but I just have nothing to say or to add. if someone wants to write up some opinionated diatribe about it they are more than welcome but I’m not touching that shit unless I get either a) good money or b) there is some obvious joke to be made

so our (least) favorite mayor peter chin has fucked us over once again. I’ve never taken the bus and in my home town of christchurch many years ago I made an uninformed decision to never ever use public transportation. this is not at all relevant to the fact that the dcc fucked out the bus system and now you carless hobos have even less ability to get anywhere

and so not only is it maori week but also jesus week
I used to be a christian. >10 years to be vague. I also didn’t just backslide out of the fold but made a lot of discovers and learnt a lot of lessons over a long period of time. the majority of people who write or comment about christianity in a negative light don’t know shit to be honest. smart christians (while rare) are in general smarter and have thought more about their faith than you give them credit. the guy who wrote this sits firmly in the smarter group of christians. you can tell this by the fact that he doesn’t actually mention anything of any value. he basically says “yeah some christians are hypocrites but” and so you go away thinking “hmm maybe he’s different” but years of intellectual assault from university smart people means he has had to find a way to start conversations without causing uncontrollable eye rolling.
but just like intelligent design, the deeper you dig the shallower the theory.
“after 2000 years people are still talking about jesus” and after 1500 years people are still talking about muhammed and >3000 years people are talking about abraham and >3000 years people have been using ayurvedic and I don’t get the point. religion was evolutionarily succesful because it explained a lot when there was no other explanation. christianity and abrahamic religions in general were revolutionary. their success is not surprising. but also not surprising either is the amount of contradictions, inconsistencies or lack of evidence.


so it’s come to common knowledge that smacking is the key to raising the next weatherston (so what if I went back on my word)
to be completely honest I had forgotten this whole smacking thing actually went through in the first place. that sounds ultra retarded but when I think about it I realise that apart from the bitching and moaning that happened in the first place, nothing bad has happened. I was all into smacking because I was smacked as a child and also due to my christianity I was into smacking (it’s in the bible, read it for yourself).. not once did I really consider evidence in my crazy pro smacking rants I had with peers but now today is a different day and evidence is something I feel strongly about.
not enough of that article is about the psychological effects of smacking. I feel (and this has no basis whatsoever) that the simple nation wide discussion of the topic has made people a lot more aware. I don’t know if smacking should be illegal but I’m not much of a black and white kind of guy, and smacking does have a legitimate place. not as a form of correction so much but I’d rather smack my child and prevent him running onto the road than have him run onto the road. but as far as I understand the current anti-smacking law as it stands allows for that. so what’s the problem?
the problem is that people want it to be their right to smack children as much as they want without any potential repercussions.
the other thing I find interesting about this mass debate is the whole smacking=hitting thing. anti smackers say “hitting a child isn’t bad” but pro smackers say “smacking is a valid form of discipline” and I know different words don’t change anything but if I smack my partner on the ass during sex would they say I hit my partner? that is the question people don’t avoid it

man this is getting depressing isn’t it. all this serious bullshit has to end. but critic has nothing more to offer. well technically in some “information theory” way it does but as far as stuff you and me want to read – nothing. what are we gonna do? nothing. why has this become such a negative episode? blame amy

txts, rants, politics, teenagers and you by loisweathers
July 26, 2009, 8:23 pm
Filed under: guide, horrible | Tags:

lois weathers

So I know the stereotype is that women send out mixed messages and we’re all emotional and insane, and I’m not saying we’re not but lately it seems to me that the male gender are turning into females. They put messages all out there, half the time these messages dont make any sense because they dont know how to send them out properly and they leave girls confused and upset. Then they just dont understand when we are all pissed off at them.
I’m here to explain why we are pissed off at you and what you can do to fix it.

I think a big factor in this mixed messages dilemma is “txt politics”. Now am I mistaken in thinking only girls take part in txt politics and boys just say whatever??.. Because if so I don’t believe you. So Im just going to inform you of a few basic txt rules… Never say “K” we think you’re pissed of at us and get really defensive and will more often than not reply with “whtever” Its not too much to ask for, just txt “Ok” or “K :)”. “K” on its own is asking for a fight. Another big one is overall friendlyness of the txt, be sure to put a smiley or an xo in it somewhere or again we will think you’re pissed off at us and get defensive. Now if you dont know if your txt is friendly enough just add in an over happy smiley face to be sure, you can never have a to happy txt. The most important txt rule is where you put your full stops and how many of them you put, a full stop in a txt will usually signify you want to stop talking to them and are cutting conversation, “K.” is the worst txt ever to recieve. Its like a slap in the face, if there is no need for a full stop dont put one in. Another thing for boys and girls is txting when you are drunk, two words for you there “NOT OKAY” there are no good outcomes from this, never, ever, do you get me? It just leads to an akward txt in the morning that will go something like “l0l soz gt s000 wastd lst nite, I thnk I snt u sumthn bt ma phne dusnt save snt msgs. l0l 😀 XxLoisxX” and Im telling you for a fact that whoever sent you that knows exactly what they sent you last night and has been re-writting that message for an hour with input from friends. And they will be next to their phone for the next 5 hours with friends around them until you reply so they can craft a perfect message back to you.

So if you’re ever confused as to why your girlfriend or friend is giving you the cold shoulder take a look in your outbox and you’ll soon find the answer, if you have fucked up and god forbid txted her saying “K.” you need to put infinate smileys and xo’s after every txt message, and then every now and then txt her something pointless like “Lol Jamal just tripd over, it was so funny :-D!! :S!” so that she doesnt have to reply and she feels like she has the upper hand. LOL

critic cavern 23/07/09 by ophalm


well what the shit we have another critic. I’m pretty stoked personally to have found out that the deliver critic as far as the big medical school building. this way I can get my dose of critic a few minutes earlier

and what a dose
what’s happened to all the money? because when I read juicy I expect colours, not this old timey black and white casablanca bullshit that my parents had to put up with
when I looked at it, my first thought was “budget” and my next move was turning the page

on the facing page we find out that a surveying student dies, a real shame. was he drunk when he fell into the water? “it appears he became disoriented before falling into the harbour”. it certainly seems like he was, he had left a 21st. now I don’t think this guy is to blame, my beef is with the lack of mention of alcohol. imagine if there was any evidence that he was on any other drug, “p kills surveying student” or “survey shows surveyor died of cannabis!” it just pisses me off the double standards for alcohol vs recreational drugs. I don’t want to hate on alcohol, but it causes more issues than all other drugs combined; and when it appears fundamental to the death of a promising individual and it’s not even mentioned (knowing full well other drugs would be mentioned if they were involved instead) it just pisses me off. I think it’s a conspiracy theory run by the speights corporation to keep the nation enslaved and sorry I’m not open to any evidence to the contrary


I can't think of many cooler graffitis than the word yeast. microbiology, vaginal infections. I do love fungus and anyone who graffitis fungus related things is a-ok in my book

“shocking revelations” about the state of student housing. I feel the word “revelation” is a bit over the top, seriously no one was under any false impressions of the state of student housing in otago? even the “get over it” campaign knows this, and when advertising campaigns are aware of things, only retard rockers don’t. anyway it’s an interesting article, I can’t tell if they are trying to blame students or landlords. they are just saying that shit sucks really. the students lap it up though. first years get a chance to have decent first hand experience of castle street before vying for the flats next year, it’s not like they are conned into shit. they made their bed and now they’re sleeping in it what is the problem?

you know there are a lot of words in this critic. not enough pictures and not enough colours and too many words

just look:
* why should ousa not rush into supporting the stadium?
* laffin’ it up in dunedin
* making a buck out of other people’s bad luck
* rioting with reason: forty years on from the stonewall riots
*a kiwi comic book hero

all in a row. I realise magazines are to provide content but geez. I read the start of three of them. that’s a pretty good effort for me
I have to say that I don’t get the article on comedians. is it mocking them or celebrating them? it’s kinda doing both – poorly. the one about war seems promising. it’s the kind of article I think other people should read, but wouldn’t read myself.. does that make me a hypocrite or simply a wise mentor?
stonewall riots is all about the gay agenda. god bless lsd for unleashing a generation from under the power of authority. but authority made awesome experiences illegal in order to steal back their reign of terror. thankfully it has never quite gotten back to where it was, but “brave new world” style distraction certainly has society tied down in a totally different way, maybe not as bad but certainly more subversive. I see it in other students, it makes me sad, that people don’t care much and that the media has sort of implied that fighting for things is pointless please just sit back and enjoy the ride. I could go on but I don’t think I know what I’m talking about
something about comic books. I don’t get comics. they are extremely unsatisfying and I kinda like the concept of x-men but reading a comic of it sucks. I have to walk past a comic book store every day to uni, and I hardly ever see anyone in there and it kind of makes me sad because I don’t like seeing businesses failing, but that is just a presumption and it is a shit time economically and I just wonder why people do things like that. I’ve seen some of the staff, and they look way too “trendy” and “cool” and certainly look like they think they’re cool enough for modaks but I don’t buy it and sorry comics don’t appeal. thats my opinion about that article

what is the point of bunch of fives? community? an attempt to provide realism? is it the magazine equivalent of reality tv?
it doesn’t make sense. it would be nice if they told us what the questions they asked were. who edits this magazine?

and the rest goes on and on and on. the most interesting thing in the second entire half of the magazine is the second half of the letters which are placed right at the end. there is a charming wee letter about the code of conduct. I don’t know fuck all about the code but this person is asking a ridiculous request, an infringement on other people’s lives and is the equivalent of going to church and the minister telling you that you had to go straight home after church and couldn’t hang around with other people.
CoC lover your name says it all

van wilder freshman year -> bag of shit by ophalm
July 20, 2009, 9:36 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible | Tags: ,


I’m so kind to all of you that I watch the horrible hits the hollywood shits out to take your precious dollar. only you’d be a sucker if you actually paid for this, only the bourgeois pay for media, we proletariat download like any real person should


you get to see that girl's boobies later on

so national lampoons van wilder came out a number of years ago, ryan reynolds starred in this “epic” movie about a college party boy who is the life of the school. never mind the stereotype enforcing rampant throughout the film, which is alleviated when kumar slides off a bed and someone takes a shit in a bucket
rated a cockamamie 18/100 at rt

and because it wasn’t awesome enough they made van wilder two the rise of taj. taj being kumar. this movie was simply ass; filmed in london, it was the same as van wilder but different – and substaintally worse in almost every possible way
rated a whopping 8/100 at rt

and because the whore of a franchise that it is hasn’t been raped enough, it’s time to release a third; only this time it’s different. it’s actually van wilder again, but somehow this is his first year at “college”, which would lead to the reasonable conclusion that this was a prequel. I don’t think it was. it was very ambiguous on that topic actually, never once breached.


is that semen?

so what’s this “film” about? well I’ve already told you everything you need to know. van wilder, whoever the fuck he is, goes to americas top party school… but that was back in the 70s and now the army runs the school, and doesn’t allow drinking or kissing. christianity/catholicism has infested the school and when he gets there it’s time to shake some cages.


beach party on campus? here's van himself and the army brat girl he won for no good reason

there is
* stereotypical stoner with rasta accent
* asian who likes boobies, and speaks stereotypical crap english “I rike boobies on butt!”
* asian guy at one stage is swamped by girls but ends up with another asian hottie
* asian hottie poses as stereotypical asian masseuse-cum-whore who covers a penis in peanut butter and a dogs licks it off
* said dog has testicles the size of grapefruit
* dog eats pound of cannabis and gets stoned and shits on floor
* army brats smear their faces with dogshit (complete with corn) face paint, and one licks it off his hands
* army brat girl dumps army brat guy for van wilder
* van wilder ends up being framed by catholic slut and appears to be cheating on army brat girl
* van wilders dad imports metric shittons of sand and turns army wargames into florida style spring break
* someone gives van wilder a blowjob while giving a speech
* lots of exposed boobies – all gratuitous
* condom belt
* water canister is swapped for alcoholic one, producing instant ecstasy like effects in army fools
* gay anal penetration while two army guys tied up to tree
* girl on girl kissing, described as “hot” numerous times
* fat army guy masturbating to gun magazine


just when it couldn't get classier, they hide under a girls bed to catch her dildo after she's finished having a mast

somehow all this and more manages to find it’s way into the movie. as immature as it is, it’s actually better than the rise of taj, but only because it’s once funny. and as I get older, the rampant stereotype enforcing I see in this kind of movie alarms me more and more. how many 16 year olds are going to watch this (11 year olds more like it) and think that as soon as you leave college that it’s only partying, that university is just like high school, that all girls are thin, pubeless, love to get their tits out, love to kiss other girls and want to have sex with anyone. the sad thing is that girls must watch this and think that this is what girls have to do when they get older. literally there is one time during van wilder’s commendering of the sex ed class he shows two girls kissing up the front and says “now this is hot”. sure it’s just a stupid joke, but is it? do people watch this and subconsciously think that is hot, and it’s expected by boys and girls? I don’t know I don’t do psychology but I’m not a retard


nothing spells "oscar material" like a bull dog licking crotch

so there you have it. a shit movie with questionable motives and subconscious scarring fruit. normally I wouldn’t review a movie, it’s a topic that is boring unless the movie is so shit it warrented. have fun cocks!

rated an official otago massacre bogus

news watch 16/07/2009 by ophalm
July 16, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, otago | Tags: , , , , , , , ,


so it goes. the newspaper comes into the mailbox and I put it straight in the recycling. after it had collected for maybe two weeks I decided to have a comb through it for the shit it no doubt contains. it’s like trying to find a black bear in a hay stack. the only problem is, is that the shit is stale as fuck. despite going through about seven papers, I only have a small selection of things to educate you about.
is it because my cat shit in my office for the third time this morning? that’s not the cause, but it true and very generous of her. it’s because the papers contain the same shit week after week, the ads hardly change, the articles are about the same garbage as ever.. the more things change the more they stay the same. I never understood that saying much when I was younger but I think as you age gracefully, you realise it’s depth.
anyway, there was something to point out in the mailbox:


this is from one of those “what’s happening around town” things in D Scene. some people are at the beach. I call them the “beach dicks” and the guys are especially fruity and it just says “look at us, we’re standing here” and little else. I wonder if they kept that copy of D Scene to show to their friends?


as we should all know, debt is only really a useful tool if it’s for some sort of investment. read the box.. who does that sound like? what have I told you about boy racers? worthless, and now confirmed in debt


this is a touching story of a woman who lost her job, is on the unemployment benefit and struggles to pay for electricity to stay warm. there is a recession god knows some people are seriously struggling, but maybe you would be warmer if you didn’t dress with so much exposed skin? admittedly her shoulder is turning me on but that should be the least of her worries


here come into our fine establishment… you can gamble!


thankyou thankyou michael for relieving us of our suffering. mj dies and the world cries.. all of a sudden people who mocked him for being weird were all “remember him for his great music”.. I don’t think pop music is respectable and he was kind of a clown so I don’t think he’ll be missed


there’s no stopping nan on her killing spree!


morgan tait is not just slightly crazy. she is also an idiot. ring ring “hi morgan tait speaking” “hi it’s D Scene here, what is your weeks column going to be about ” “tee hee I’m morgan tait this week it’s about how we tried to diet with cabbages and we failed look at me!” that there transcript tells you everything you need to know. it’s entirely possible that this column could be not worthless, but morgan needs to read more. or do something with her life first. who the fuck does she think she is?


I just think this is funny because I imagine them as a wrestling trio called the “shit masks”

a girl bitches about girls by loisweathers
July 15, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: guide, horrible, meta, rant | Tags: , , , ,

lois weathers

Girls are insane.
We dont share, we dislike people for no apparent reason and we cry constantly. What happened to us huh guys? Why do we fight against each other so much? And why is it almost always over boys?! Its reached a pathetic stage; we need to grow up and learn from past mistakes. And since when did facebook become our lives? There is no need to update it by txt, noone cares what you’re doing that much

First off, the flirting thing. Yes it feels good to be flirted with, lets you know you’re still hawt and gives a wee spike of fun if you’re in a relationship – jealous guys are hot.
But is it really worth it when a non-single girl you know fancies this other boy too and is also trying to flirt with him? That’s verging on mean right? I mean sure if you’re single and he’s single, the other bitch is just competition and you need to stamp her out, but if you’ve already got one you need to back the fuck off.


nothing like stock imagery to make a post more complete

Second if you see someone flirting with a good looking guy and he’s flirting back dont fuck up the situation by going over there and saying some dumb shit, that’s again mean. These things may seem small to begin with, I mean it was just some dumb guy and we all know they are stupid. But girls seem to take these small insignificant things and blow them up to gigantic proportions and next thing you know those two girls are sworn enemies and all of the friends of each of the girls have to hate the other and it just forms these giant cliques that are so irritating because then if your friend hates this girl because she ruined her almost relationship with that guy (which by the way was never going to be anything because lets face it casual elevator flirting isnt really going to turn into a marrage (but the stupid thing is that even though you think it will, it won’t!! and you aren’t the exception that it’s totally going to happen for, it’s just not happening)) but anyway then you can’t borrow that cool dress she had that totally fitted you because your friend hates her then you totally want that dress so you have to secretly visit the other girl who you friend hates to get this dress and next thing you know you’re in two cliques and you can’t be in two cliques, whose side are you on if you’re in both cliques!?!? I hope girls are reading this and realising how bullshit it sounds. Please just get over yourself. It’s irritating cos as Im writing this I can tell people will be like “But sarah totally fuked me over way more than those other stories” I just want you to step back and take a good look at why you actually hate “sarah” and try and understand that its a bull shit reason.