otago massacre

critic cavern 14/07/09 by ophalm


I actually came across this by accident this week. I intended to pick it up from somewhere else, but I saw it while marching to the toilet before my 9am lecture. I didn’t know it circulated this widely but lessons can be learnt any day but sunday and that’s not today.

it’s really quite tempting to say something about the cover. to make a comment about the article of internet memes. it really infuriates me so much, on so many different levels for so many different reasons that I’m afraid I can’t make comment because I know I won’t be able to do my absolute hatred justice

so they’re renaming re-o week to take two. “a rose by any other name is still a rose” is a famous quote which, while it hits the nail on the head, fails to describe the depth of the situation. see whether otago likes it or not, it’s reputation is drunken parties. degrees come a distant second I’m sorry. the drug of the nation is being consumed at an ever increasing rate and the only thing to do is to join it. renaming it won’t have prevented the castle street keg party last night, and it won’t prevent first years from losing their date-rape virginities either. effort in a different way… maybe?

but what about the rest of the magazine? it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I said that in the last post but maybe it’s getting through to you. see some of the columns are new! fantastic I can hear the angels singing.

there’s an obsessive compulsive “red shoes diary” fan who writes for a column called “AV’S SWEET” and it’s name is emma tate. she likes tv. waaay to much apparently. not smart enough to download tv though, just stream it, and not smart enough to write a column worth reading. anyone who has enough time to watch the shit she gloats about doesn’t deserve my time nor my semen

“what maketh the man?” by kavi chetty. an article about moustaches. I’m gonna call his bluff and say that he wrote this article purely from a perspective of admiration for something retro, but without actually having the balls to do anything about it. does kavi have a moustache? I’m betting no, and if I’m right then I’m also right about his propensity for touching other men’s scrotums. personally I have a moustache. in a technical sense anyway.

“oooh snap!” I am so glad the unitards have some kind of extra outlet on top of facebook for posting pictures of themselves drunk. “hey look at me I’m contributing to the nation’s disgrace, can’t you see I’m drunk!”

there was a higher than normal proportion of articles about murder and fighting and death and punching and all things that seem horrible. I guess it’s good that there is information getting out there, but where are the outlets for the anger built up from finals?

page 55 have a nice wee third page ad about brazilian waxes just below a nerd article. who plans this magazine? the pirate bay going “legit” is an interesting concept, although what affect it will have on the greater torrent community is uncertain. I know that most people are moving away from the public sites (pirate bay, mininova etc) to private and even secret trackers. harder to get stung. personally I’m surprised NZ doesn’t have it’s own one, it’s about time. everyone knows that copyright holds the public back and that’s it’s only real goal is to increase the wealth gap between the rich and the poor! the only war is class war my friend. so who wants to come with me to get a brazilian?

and there you go. another week down

critic cavern 1/04/09 by ophalm
April 1, 2009, 6:20 am
Filed under: entertainment, mockery | Tags: , , ,

posted by ophalm

there was no critic this week….

actually that’s my april fools joke. “LOL”. but maybe if critic had actually done that they would have avoided urinating on themselves this week

I read this weeks critic a day late while on the toilet in the hunter centre. the hunter centre is apparently very resource friendly, although I’m sure it cost a lot more $$ to make it that way. not a fan of the big doors to be honest but the urinal is satisfactory and the feeling of superiority of being in there for a reason is second only to not being a student

so what have we got into today’s scat pile? more of the same? yep. different uninteresting garbage? yep. I have come to expect nothing less and certainly nothing more. it makes the times they actually do have a good article that much more of a bonus though. still, monday’s where critic doesn’t suck are monday’s nonetheless

by the way – too damn lazy to scan anything in this week. i’ve got far more important things going on in my life (new life?) so I bet you’re wondering why I’m doing this at all? because you’re reading it that’s why. if I didn’t do it how would you be reading this?

boring. dude that looks like he should be reaming his childhood best friend but apparently he plays sport. sports are for losers ok? don’t forget that.

power plugs
all you laptop rearing fags can now have a place to plug in. last year like a real ingenius I took an extension cord and 4way adapter to uni to solve the problem. it possibly looked nerdy but then I went upstairs at the link and saw guys playing “magic: the gathering” so then I felt like the coolest guy who also had power to his laptop so all is well.
also now all you steve job cock strokers can tell the world that you spent more money on a laptop than other people more often too, so I guess it works in everyone’s favour

paying off student loan
I imagine like most students I don’t consider my student loan. I get a statement yearly and I shudder and due to an aversion of anything unpleasant I file it away knowing that regardless of what it is, it’s not going to change my student life or my post student life. that’s all the thinking for an entire year. don’t let anyone ever tell you that ignorance isn’t bliss

complexities and conundrums
well what we have here is the insane rantings of the coincidentally named “adam smith”
it’s like he had a wee meth pipe sitting next to him as he typed it, making a bargain with himself that for each paragraph he wrote he was aloud another hit. it starts out relatively sanely but the sanity runs short long before the P fueled keyboard raping could end
to my uneducated eye it seems like the rantings of a person who wants to get a hold of the economic situation, and probably reads a lot about it, but still doesn’t really understand a single thing. he makes some good points, I mean, I think the economy and the way the free market runs is pretty bullshit – but I don’t write in critic with a name like adam smith

nature bullshit
nah, nature is awesome. I have nothing to say about these articles. they’re probably good but I only have time to read the articles I’m going to deride these days so I skipped them, briefly noting their existence for this note of their existence

bunch of fives
lois weathers tells me that they only interview those with funny hats. only two of the five have hats and only one is odd. what the shit lois?
quite the scientific study this. I wish I ran bunch of fives. maybe I could make my own? I’d ask hard hitting questions about their sexual performances and what they consider the best “bang for buck” drink around. those aren’t really hard hitting sorry; to be honest I just don’t want to ask anything that’s of any value other than quick cheap entertainment value

healthy lifestyle in a bottle?
I made a note to myself to make an interesting post about healthy lifestyle week and the irony that it lasts only a week but once again too damn busy but here’s an article to have a stab at
but my stabs would be misdirected, as it raises a good point about the consumerism surrounding vitamins.
overdoses of vitamin pills kill more people than cannabis – don’t forget that

quote of the week
“I have learned that sandwiches are now $8 on campus, and that it costs $2 more for pesto. Pesto! Fuck you Dunedin, you’ve changed”
he speaks for me. not that I know what dunedin was like years and years ago but I get the impression $8 sandwiches it wasn’t and somehow I don’t feel a move towards a more “metro” flavour is good as much as it is pandering..

the rest
same shit different week really. read it for yourself, I know I didn’t

news watch 04/03/09 by ophalm
March 4, 2009, 7:12 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery, otago | Tags: ,

destroying others work for a simple laugh

today I bring you only one article from D scene.

spotlight on milton advertising feature


here we have a small hick town 55km from dunedin. which probably puts it in dunedin’s ridiculous city boundaries.


milton is a farming community. it’s also got a massive new “state of the art prison with underfloor heating..” oh my goodness. criminals get it so sweet. they get cells with en suites and they get to live in milton. not only that but there is a vibrant farming community! with sheep and cows, and also logging. meaning that milton is one of otago’s natural resource whores

and you just know that the photographer who had to reluctantly drive to milton was pretty terrible, as here is one of the cities greatest features:


yes they have a kink in the road. most cities have these. it’s a common feature of roads but in milton it’s a landmark, a place for wedding ceremonies and glorious suicide.

funk what by ophalm
February 27, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,
when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

funk that. a store with a name that is a pun of “fuck that”. right from the moment your eyes are insulted by it’s shopfront 50 meters away, you just know this store is class.
the guy who owns the store (“the funk that guy”) is one dodgy mother fucker. he makes his living through evading every laws using loopholes and by selling crack cocaine to school children. he imports stuff that no-one can (wants to?) because he imports them broken down or stuffed in my-little-pony dolls. just so you and I can take our drugs more efficiently.
also so we can buy ninja stars and big swords and posters of cannabis smoking aliens (probably, I’m not sure of that but every lame store like this has those “bring me to your dealer” – “lol”). you can buy all your legal “highs” although I’m convinced the down you get from those “highs” outweigh any shuddery benefit.
have I mentioned the store front is highlighter green? did I mention you can buy cannabis growing equipment? what about tacky-as-fuck zippo lighters? what about weed tins that have pictures of magic mushrooms on them?
what about coloured contacts? or misleading signs for round the clock “tattoos”?

at least it’s mostly cheaper than cosmic corner, which is ironic because when I google “funk that dunedin”, the third link is cosmic corner (without a real link to funk that in sight)

the day of stalls by ophalm
February 25, 2009, 3:10 pm
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, horrible, mockery, otago, politics, student life, uni | Tags: , , , , ,

I’m not sure what it’s called. that day when you go to campus and all the banks try to sell you bank accounts and free giveaways.. had a visit today. the weather was shit and the mood depressing. not too many students, as it was also the cookathon, and mainly just muddy grass and hotdogs

teach the controversy

teach the controversy

what else can be said?


stop, tamrtime

stop, tamrtime

tamrtime Globus. there’s posters all around uni. “real food” they say. “no added flavours” huh.. I tried a free sample. it was figgy. “Delicious, Natural, healthy, Nutritious” why only 3 of those 4 words require capitals is beyond my understanding, same with the the lack of vowels in the name


"make it count"

"make it count"

apparently you should only drink one beer. or maybe I didn’t get the message. I wasn’t prepared to go up and see what it was actually about, just stand and photograph from a distance just for you. but it’s a beer with it’s own tap and somehow a beer is being used to promote not binge drinking.. mixed messages guys


have no doubts - they guys do illegal drugs

have no doubts - they guys do illegal drugs

so this is norml. they love that tree don’t they? there’s not much else to be said, other than to note how they love brown

this is what those on the inside call a "deal"

this is what those on the inside call a "deal"

swapping phone numbers so they can swap ounces for money


fitness is the fastest route to public embarrasment

fitness is the fastest route to public embarrasment


personally the idea of fitness doesn’t bode well for me. I know I should, but then I see these guys and am reminded of what being fit does to one


the least visited website

the least visited website

in theory this website is a good idea, but in practice no-one goes to it and therefore no-one trades anything. I’d say “put in some effort, jump on the ship” but I’m not that kind of person, in fact I’d say “don’t go to it” because I don’t want to prolong their pain (kindness resides within)


ignore the girl, she got in the way

ignore the girl, she got in the way

do we really need another terrible energy drink? that’s not a rhetorical question, and the answer is “no, we sure as hell don’t”, especially since the uni wouldn’t sell it anyway, because the naughty capitalists have made the uni a one-brand-of-drink-haven

I also came home freebeeless. and the banks were out in force trying to get those poor students to join their “student” accounts so they can be raped of every last cent by a large soulless corporation. but apparently you get $40 if you join.. something tells me they wouldn’t give you $40 unless they made way more than that back, because they are banks and they are experts at making profits from money, not gullible fools giving away free cash..

how to look like a douchebag I by ophalm
February 16, 2009, 1:05 am
Filed under: guide, horrible | Tags: ,

"have you noticed my shorts yet?"

news watch 15/02/09 by ophalm
February 15, 2009, 12:48 am
Filed under: entertainment, mockery | Tags: , ,

we read the news because you don’t want to

sometimes newspapers print articles. occasionally they even have something of relevance to say. sometimes though, the editors have competitions with themselves to see if they can print the most obvious statements possible. this is one entry



and then there’s this asshole

a face only a mother could punch

a face only a mother could punch

if there’s one thing that pisses otago massacre off more than anything, it’s psuedoscience. especially if it’s a form of alternative medicine. that’s probably because we’re not a bunch a reality-challenged “individuals”.
if I may be serious for a moment, osteopathy is a complimentary alternative medicine. what that means is that it’s not real medicine. if a field of “medicine” has evidence to prove itself, it is no longer alternative medicine and is just medicine. but osteopathy fails in efficacy and also it has a stupid name. we believe that alternative medicine is a dangerous force in our society, promoting anecdotal ‘evidence’ over proven scientific evidence based methods and encouraging contempt for true medical professionals. don’t be fooled, it’s not harmless, the anti-immunisation movement (which comes from similar mindsets) has managed to bring measles in the UK back to endemic levels good one

the captain cook tavern by ophalm
February 14, 2009, 5:10 am
Filed under: dunedin, student life | Tags: , , , ,

so I don’t know if you’ve been past the cook lately, but it’s been changing. they’ve painted the outside a new colour, added a terrible mural and they’re doing up the inside. today is opening day (so I hear) so I don’t know what it’s like on the inside, but I walked past it the other day and saw some of what was going on, and it looked kinda weird.. tree paintings. anyway, that’s the least of our worries.

so captain cook is the captain who didn’t find this country, but decided in his infinite wisdom to colonise it. clearly he felt the natives were not abusing the land at an efficient enough rate so he brought english genius to the rescue. this bar is named after him, and it’s opposite uni and suited to drunken tweenage antics.

one of their many renovations has included this lovely image:

a crudely painted capt cook

captain cook squats slightly as he prepares his urine for consumption

what the shit? it looks like ole cookie is fed up with good posture and also with having to leave his table to go to the toilet. is it just me or is he squatting out a ~fart~ while simultaneously taking a leak in his glass? I didn’t realise he was such a piss fiend but paintings don’t lie.
what possessed him to urinate in his own cup? presumably in preperation for a skulling contest? did he drink the cook’s own beer (ironically their cheapest)? is he a meth addict, looking to bake down his waste so he can smoke it to get the last hit from his unprocessed P? has he simply been painted during the middle of a rather unfortunate drunken dare? it’s not really possible to know since he’s dead.


but what we do know is that he brought along his friend to the scat party, the octopus


relevancy, the lost art

maybe this is meant to scare away those that are on the cheap acid that was circulating in 08, or maybe it’s just a drunken child’s dream turned real. whatever it is it’s about as relevant as a car phone during the 1600s (the boylen girls were pimpin’) and that just won’t do. it’s not that I’m against octopii – I mean, the smartest all of all the cephalopods is a feat to behold, but I just don’t get it. maybe I just don’t understand the fanciful imagery of a money hungry bar owner, and maybe I never will; though it will forever give me a reason to confuse the cook with an aquarium.


not that any of this will slow down the rate of broken virginities caused by alcohol inspired sexual excursions that were initiated at this “fine” public establishment, nor will it make the bowler any more appealing as an alternative bar.

oh, and I imagine that scaffolding will go away at some stage, but for now it lets you know that this site is cutting edge and that we let you know what’s going down before it even does.