otago massacre


canberra sluts by ophalm
April 13, 2009, 4:50 pm
Filed under: horrible, meta | Tags:

posted by ophalm

as you may already know I get told by wordpress.com what people have searched for if they’ve arrived at this site from a websearch. I’ve actually tried some of these searches to see how far down this site is but I only use google and don’t find it half the time. still they end up here with these phrases somehow, because you just can’t make this shit up

unsuprisingly “otago massacre” is the most common form, but other golden search phrases are:

tamrtime globus

i was in a local healthy/expensive type

scatsex porn

gangsta cartoon pics

canberrra sluts

c3po costume

sealed tube reactions

fack as

dog makes a shit

tween panties

and possibly the best search phrase of all time

tamrtime illuminati

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THE INTERNET IS GOLDEN PART F by dangercore
April 3, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: horrible, nonsensical | Tags:

posted by dangercore

metallica
THE MEMBERS OF METALLICA GO CLOTHES SHOPPING. I JUST PRESUMED THEY LIVED IN MY CD CASE AND PLAYED THRASH AT ME WHEN I WISHED

psychedelicfrog
IS THIS THE KIND OF FROG THAT YOU LICK AND HAS 5MEODMT ON ITS SKIN BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THIS PICTURE ITS TRIPPING ME THE FUCK OUT

religiousboner
EVERY TIME I TURNED THE LIGHT ON I FELT A PANG OF GUILT. IT REMINDED ME OF THE TIME I WAS MOLESTING THESE CHILDREN AND THE LIGHTS GOT TURNED ON VIA A LIGHT SWITCH THAT WAS THIS ONE

shitlegs
I DON’T WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE OBVIOUS BUT THIS DUDE FORGOT TO GO SHIT BEFORE THE RUN. BUT AT LEAST HE HAD THE NOBILITY TO CONTINUE AND WIN A ONE OFF RACE DESPITE A SHITTY FUTURE NO DOUBT TO COME BASED ON THIS IMMORTAL PICTURE. THERE IS NO SHAME IN CLEANING YOURSELF UP WHEN YOU DUMP ON YOUR OWN LEGS BUT THIS GUY DIDN’T GET THAT MESSAGE IN FACT HE GOT THE MESSAGE THAT SAID “JUST DO IT” AND THOUGHT IT MEANT ABOUT GOING TO THE TOILET WHILE IN PUBLIC



critic cavern 1/04/09 by ophalm
April 1, 2009, 6:20 am
Filed under: entertainment, mockery | Tags: , , ,

posted by ophalm

there was no critic this week….

actually that’s my april fools joke. “LOL”. but maybe if critic had actually done that they would have avoided urinating on themselves this week

I read this weeks critic a day late while on the toilet in the hunter centre. the hunter centre is apparently very resource friendly, although I’m sure it cost a lot more $$ to make it that way. not a fan of the big doors to be honest but the urinal is satisfactory and the feeling of superiority of being in there for a reason is second only to not being a student

so what have we got into today’s scat pile? more of the same? yep. different uninteresting garbage? yep. I have come to expect nothing less and certainly nothing more. it makes the times they actually do have a good article that much more of a bonus though. still, monday’s where critic doesn’t suck are monday’s nonetheless

by the way – too damn lazy to scan anything in this week. i’ve got far more important things going on in my life (new life?) so I bet you’re wondering why I’m doing this at all? because you’re reading it that’s why. if I didn’t do it how would you be reading this?

juicy
boring. dude that looks like he should be reaming his childhood best friend but apparently he plays sport. sports are for losers ok? don’t forget that.

power plugs
all you laptop rearing fags can now have a place to plug in. last year like a real ingenius I took an extension cord and 4way adapter to uni to solve the problem. it possibly looked nerdy but then I went upstairs at the link and saw guys playing “magic: the gathering” so then I felt like the coolest guy who also had power to his laptop so all is well.
also now all you steve job cock strokers can tell the world that you spent more money on a laptop than other people more often too, so I guess it works in everyone’s favour

paying off student loan
I imagine like most students I don’t consider my student loan. I get a statement yearly and I shudder and due to an aversion of anything unpleasant I file it away knowing that regardless of what it is, it’s not going to change my student life or my post student life. that’s all the thinking for an entire year. don’t let anyone ever tell you that ignorance isn’t bliss

complexities and conundrums
well what we have here is the insane rantings of the coincidentally named “adam smith”
it’s like he had a wee meth pipe sitting next to him as he typed it, making a bargain with himself that for each paragraph he wrote he was aloud another hit. it starts out relatively sanely but the sanity runs short long before the P fueled keyboard raping could end
to my uneducated eye it seems like the rantings of a person who wants to get a hold of the economic situation, and probably reads a lot about it, but still doesn’t really understand a single thing. he makes some good points, I mean, I think the economy and the way the free market runs is pretty bullshit – but I don’t write in critic with a name like adam smith

nature bullshit
nah, nature is awesome. I have nothing to say about these articles. they’re probably good but I only have time to read the articles I’m going to deride these days so I skipped them, briefly noting their existence for this note of their existence

bunch of fives
lois weathers tells me that they only interview those with funny hats. only two of the five have hats and only one is odd. what the shit lois?
quite the scientific study this. I wish I ran bunch of fives. maybe I could make my own? I’d ask hard hitting questions about their sexual performances and what they consider the best “bang for buck” drink around. those aren’t really hard hitting sorry; to be honest I just don’t want to ask anything that’s of any value other than quick cheap entertainment value

healthy lifestyle in a bottle?
I made a note to myself to make an interesting post about healthy lifestyle week and the irony that it lasts only a week but once again too damn busy but here’s an article to have a stab at
but my stabs would be misdirected, as it raises a good point about the consumerism surrounding vitamins.
overdoses of vitamin pills kill more people than cannabis – don’t forget that

quote of the week
“I have learned that sandwiches are now $8 on campus, and that it costs $2 more for pesto. Pesto! Fuck you Dunedin, you’ve changed”
he speaks for me. not that I know what dunedin was like years and years ago but I get the impression $8 sandwiches it wasn’t and somehow I don’t feel a move towards a more “metro” flavour is good as much as it is pandering..

the rest
same shit different week really. read it for yourself, I know I didn’t



An incitement to [violence] celebrate otago’s unique “culture” by criticalwat
March 14, 2009, 11:50 pm
Filed under: mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , ,

posted by criticalwat

Welcome freshers to Otago University! It has been a good year so far, the giant bucket of piss was a pleasant change to the usual eggings that will happen throughout the year (you will I hope, be expected by your 2nd year mentors as well as your peers to keep this behavior up).
However I know it’s early days yet, but there is a lot of pressure on you this year coming not only from those of us in the peanut gallery, but also from a couple of little known pieces of old media such as “Critic” and the “ODT”. thanks to us being spoiled for entertainment from 2007’s wonderful display of savagery known as the Undie 500 and last years respectful follow up, the unofficial 2008 mini riot.

However I see bright things in your future as it takes a rare group of people/commerce students to lug buckets full of urine and from what I’ve heard “fecal matter” around and to use it to willfully vandalize other peoples private property.

I can only hope that you manage to keep this up throughout the year as it is most entertaining. If you need any inspiration, I’d like to remind you that 2007’s little bit of a kerfuffle (for those of you who may have come to New Zealand only recently and haven’t heard of the Undie 500 yet you might want to have a read of this much more interesting article) did over $12,000 in damages to emergency equipment alone!

Have fun out there! Unless it negatively affects me in any way in which case please cease having fun and go vomit blood somewhere else. Cheers.



news watch 12/03/09 by ophalm
March 12, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , ,

cutting and scanning a newspaper in the dark

news4

even homeless people and the happy clapper?

this is horrible. I have little to say about it other than to state that it’s wrong. there is nothing there for me. there is nothing there for you. from my small sample I’d say there is nothing here for anybody.

news3

shattered glass, drunks and vomit - setting a bad example for the students

this couple volunteers as community watch and drives down castle street on friday night starting at 9.30 “it [castle street] just seems like a party street” they claim. somehow I feel they are missing something? apparently the mail woman on saturday morning gets scared “one woman got approached by a drunk guy [one morning] and she was pretty scared” people need to say better quotes, honestly.
I don’t really get the point of the article. north dunedin students get drunk, community watch watches impotently, wishing they were 20 again so they too could run rampant on the countries favorite drug. this isn’t news

news2

the text is irrelevant and just wastes precious internet

this is pretty unremarkable – apart from a career ruining cripple based slur. what are they trying to say? that children who use the bus are mentally challenged? that the careful loving street painters aren’t worthy of life? I’d like think all those claims are made in the article and that they are offensive to my kind

news1

who cropped that photo? why would I notice such a thing?

evidentially there was a big toga party. apparently there was a shit (faeces) eating competition and all the toga dressed first years came first equal. apparently first years can’t eat tidily either because “shops were… covered in faeces”. that’s a whole lot of shit to cover a store. the community patrol wants it banned. michael guest says there is a general consensus that it’s not going to happen again. or if it does there will be “conditions”. I thought there were conditions – wear a toga. either way there will always be a way of first years getting covered in faecal matter for the enjoyment of others. the only mystery will be how the technology of the future will enhance this



news watch 20/02/09 by ophalm
February 20, 2009, 8:59 am
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , ,

we read the news because you can’t (illiteracy strikes 1 in 5 nz adults)

so anyway continuing with our theme of hating on psuedoscience here’s chiropracty
chiro
now chiropracty isn’t totally evil by definition. apparently some people really may have something wrong with their spine and it can help. but claiming your immune system attacks you because your spine is out line is total and utter bullshit please society stop being such retards! stop paying for this shit immediately

so for a change from bad to good
ladies
here’s some strippers! this isn’t really all that funny but it’s kinda sexy and I just want to remind all the ladies out there that if they need some extra cash and have little to no morals here is an opportunity. also somewhere to get sluts for a stag do, because nothing says “monogamy” like prostitutes.

and just like captain cook here’s more scat fanatics

this will be taken so far out of context it's not even funny

this will be taken so far out of context


so this is a band “the biff merchants” who “have just one thing on their minds: public toilets“… “say the best thing about touring is ‘definitely public toilets‘”… “see if the public toilets in the north island have the same song [inside lingo for glory holes? – ed] playing in them as the south island ones”…
they’re playing at orientation on march 6. if you go to their concert may I suggest a poncho



the captain cook tavern by ophalm
February 14, 2009, 5:10 am
Filed under: dunedin, student life | Tags: , , , ,

so I don’t know if you’ve been past the cook lately, but it’s been changing. they’ve painted the outside a new colour, added a terrible mural and they’re doing up the inside. today is opening day (so I hear) so I don’t know what it’s like on the inside, but I walked past it the other day and saw some of what was going on, and it looked kinda weird.. tree paintings. anyway, that’s the least of our worries.

so captain cook is the captain who didn’t find this country, but decided in his infinite wisdom to colonise it. clearly he felt the natives were not abusing the land at an efficient enough rate so he brought english genius to the rescue. this bar is named after him, and it’s opposite uni and suited to drunken tweenage antics.

one of their many renovations has included this lovely image:

a crudely painted capt cook

captain cook squats slightly as he prepares his urine for consumption

what the shit? it looks like ole cookie is fed up with good posture and also with having to leave his table to go to the toilet. is it just me or is he squatting out a ~fart~ while simultaneously taking a leak in his glass? I didn’t realise he was such a piss fiend but paintings don’t lie.
what possessed him to urinate in his own cup? presumably in preperation for a skulling contest? did he drink the cook’s own beer (ironically their cheapest)? is he a meth addict, looking to bake down his waste so he can smoke it to get the last hit from his unprocessed P? has he simply been painted during the middle of a rather unfortunate drunken dare? it’s not really possible to know since he’s dead.

 

but what we do know is that he brought along his friend to the scat party, the octopus

occy

relevancy, the lost art

maybe this is meant to scare away those that are on the cheap acid that was circulating in 08, or maybe it’s just a drunken child’s dream turned real. whatever it is it’s about as relevant as a car phone during the 1600s (the boylen girls were pimpin’) and that just won’t do. it’s not that I’m against octopii – I mean, the smartest all of all the cephalopods is a feat to behold, but I just don’t get it. maybe I just don’t understand the fanciful imagery of a money hungry bar owner, and maybe I never will; though it will forever give me a reason to confuse the cook with an aquarium.

 

not that any of this will slow down the rate of broken virginities caused by alcohol inspired sexual excursions that were initiated at this “fine” public establishment, nor will it make the bowler any more appealing as an alternative bar.

oh, and I imagine that scaffolding will go away at some stage, but for now it lets you know that this site is cutting edge and that we let you know what’s going down before it even does.