otago massacre


txts, rants, politics, teenagers and you by loisweathers
July 26, 2009, 8:23 pm
Filed under: guide, horrible | Tags:

lois weathers

So I know the stereotype is that women send out mixed messages and we’re all emotional and insane, and I’m not saying we’re not but lately it seems to me that the male gender are turning into females. They put messages all out there, half the time these messages dont make any sense because they dont know how to send them out properly and they leave girls confused and upset. Then they just dont understand when we are all pissed off at them.
I’m here to explain why we are pissed off at you and what you can do to fix it.

I think a big factor in this mixed messages dilemma is “txt politics”. Now am I mistaken in thinking only girls take part in txt politics and boys just say whatever??.. Because if so I don’t believe you. So Im just going to inform you of a few basic txt rules… Never say “K” we think you’re pissed of at us and get really defensive and will more often than not reply with “whtever” Its not too much to ask for, just txt “Ok” or “K :)”. “K” on its own is asking for a fight. Another big one is overall friendlyness of the txt, be sure to put a smiley or an xo in it somewhere or again we will think you’re pissed off at us and get defensive. Now if you dont know if your txt is friendly enough just add in an over happy smiley face to be sure, you can never have a to happy txt. The most important txt rule is where you put your full stops and how many of them you put, a full stop in a txt will usually signify you want to stop talking to them and are cutting conversation, “K.” is the worst txt ever to recieve. Its like a slap in the face, if there is no need for a full stop dont put one in. Another thing for boys and girls is txting when you are drunk, two words for you there “NOT OKAY” there are no good outcomes from this, never, ever, do you get me? It just leads to an akward txt in the morning that will go something like “l0l soz gt s000 wastd lst nite, I thnk I snt u sumthn bt ma phne dusnt save snt msgs. l0l 😀 XxLoisxX” and Im telling you for a fact that whoever sent you that knows exactly what they sent you last night and has been re-writting that message for an hour with input from friends. And they will be next to their phone for the next 5 hours with friends around them until you reply so they can craft a perfect message back to you.

So if you’re ever confused as to why your girlfriend or friend is giving you the cold shoulder take a look in your outbox and you’ll soon find the answer, if you have fucked up and god forbid txted her saying “K.” you need to put infinate smileys and xo’s after every txt message, and then every now and then txt her something pointless like “Lol Jamal just tripd over, it was so funny :-D!! :S!” so that she doesnt have to reply and she feels like she has the upper hand. LOL



trips away by loisweathers
July 21, 2009, 9:07 pm
Filed under: guide | Tags: , , , , , , ,

lois weathers

A lot of people went away in this mid semester break and I was one of them, And I’m going to share my awesome experiences with you so next semester break you may be able to break away from this hell hole. I’m going to start off by saying that it’s not cheap but smart students know this is what course related costs are for; however even with the $1000 the government gives out so willingly you still need to be prudish to have several trips away over the entire year. Or alternatively if you’re kind of a loser you can go with your parents who are so eager to see you they will probably pay for the entire trip and you won’t starve.

parents

a promising start to a holiday with your parents

Now the first thing to decide is where you going, this can be determined by a multitude of things. Often it comes down to if you or one of your friends knows someone who knows someone with a pad you can crash at because you’re too poor to pay for accommodation. Now if you don’t know anyone anywhere with a pad you can crash at the next cheapest option is to go bush and get a tent, this comes with the problem of freezing cold temperatures especially at this time of the year. I would not advise sleeping in your car unless you have a van of some sort as the cramped confined space will make you want to kill yourself and everyone around you.

tent

no tent site looks like this

If the tent or car isn’t an option you need to go to a backpackers. Now these can range in price and you’re going to want to hunt to find the cheapest. In my experience knowing someone was the best, they gave you a nice wee place with no time limit and all it cost was a box of chocolates. The backpackers was nice and I meet some great people but you knew how much it was costing you and that is a buzz kill. I never tried the tent so if you have feel free to comment on the pros/cons of that. Of course the best of all is going with your parents who will put you up in a motel with sky tv and your own en suite.

backpackers

there is a stereotypical backer image, and this embodies it more than anything in the universe

So once you’ve decided where you are headed you need to decide what you are going to do there. This is very important and should have come up when you were deciding where you were going but it didn’t because you were focused on accommodation. You need not worry what you are going to do if you’re on a trip with your parents because they have endless money and constantly want to shower you with goods. On my trip with my mum we went on the train trip across NZ. It was $120 return and there was little time to be drunk (however the lady in the seat next to us managed it). The trip in which I was given a wee house by someone we knew was in queenstown and there were plenty of things to do and because accommodation cost was not an issue we could spend more on activities. Alternatively bushwalks are a nice free way to spend the day and day picnics are just lovely.

The last issue everyone comes to is food, thats some expensive shit. I have 3 words for you, Up n Go. That shit is filling and you only need one in the morning and one at around 3oclock. Im not guna say you wont be hungry, you will and it’ll be difficult going back to solids after just having up n go for a week, but you wont die and thats all that really matters.
So please take some of my helpful words of wisdom on your next trip away, and please don’t brag about how mean and sick your trip was when you get back cos thats just kinda annoying and to be honest no one cares where you went they’re just glad they didn’t have to see your fucking face every day. LOL

up&go is unfortunately not this psychedelic

up&go is unfortunately not this psychedelic



a better way to talk by ophalm
July 18, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: guide, philosophy | Tags:

ophalm

certain times call for certain measures.

drastic times call for drastic measures.

and that is why today I am going to make you a better person.
I’m going to aid you all. maybe you’ve heard of this little thing called latin?
it’s old. substaintially. and most of us use it daily without realising. “etc”, “vs”, “am/pm”.. it’s very interesting I know. sometimes we even use terms like per se to give statements like “a dogs anus isn’t dirty per se

and so it’s obvious to conclude that our life would be quite enriched if we slipped latin phrases into everyday language. There’s a rather large repository in the wikipedia but being the kind gentle one that I am, I’ve gone and found the most useful to real life

———————————–

ab irato – from an angry man
“when I was leaving the supermarket carpark just before I got told to turn my lights on ab irato

absolutum dominium – absolute dominion
“I just made a pizza that holds absolutum dominium

ad abundantiam – to abundance
“tonight we will drink ad abundantiam

cadavera vero innumera – truly countless bodies
“tonight I am getting on the piss and am going to try to hook up with cadavera vero innumera

carpe noctem – seize the night
“alright boys lets go candy flipping and carpe noctem

celerius quam asparagi cocuntur – more swiftly than asparagus is cooked
“as it turns out my dear it appears my performance was not up to scratch this evening – I came celerius quam asparagi cocuntur

cepi corpus – I got the body
“bitches – cepi corpus

consummatum est – it is completed
“uh uh unggggg consummatum est

ex mea sententia – in my opinion
“your pants are ludicrous ex mea sententia

graviora manent – heavier things remain
“I went to the toilet, but graviora manent

iustitia omnibus – justice for all
“I think we should put on …and iustitia omnibus

manu propria – with one’s on hand
“I think I might go to the bedroom, spend some time with manu propria

noli me tangere – do not touch me
“I would hug you, or even shake your hand, but please noli me tangere

obit anus, abit onus – the old woman dies, the burden lifted
“at first I felt guilty about eating this hamburger, but obit anus, abit onus

wow… so much culture. days like today are good days no? especially when confronted with such life affirming information. I only hope at the very least you use this shit daily and probably get into a career of speech modification. you’re all very welcome coma staba



a girl bitches about girls by loisweathers
July 15, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: guide, horrible, meta, rant | Tags: , , , ,

lois weathers

Girls are insane.
We dont share, we dislike people for no apparent reason and we cry constantly. What happened to us huh guys? Why do we fight against each other so much? And why is it almost always over boys?! Its reached a pathetic stage; we need to grow up and learn from past mistakes. And since when did facebook become our lives? There is no need to update it by txt, noone cares what you’re doing that much

First off, the flirting thing. Yes it feels good to be flirted with, lets you know you’re still hawt and gives a wee spike of fun if you’re in a relationship – jealous guys are hot.
But is it really worth it when a non-single girl you know fancies this other boy too and is also trying to flirt with him? That’s verging on mean right? I mean sure if you’re single and he’s single, the other bitch is just competition and you need to stamp her out, but if you’ve already got one you need to back the fuck off.

flirt

nothing like stock imagery to make a post more complete

Second if you see someone flirting with a good looking guy and he’s flirting back dont fuck up the situation by going over there and saying some dumb shit, that’s again mean. These things may seem small to begin with, I mean it was just some dumb guy and we all know they are stupid. But girls seem to take these small insignificant things and blow them up to gigantic proportions and next thing you know those two girls are sworn enemies and all of the friends of each of the girls have to hate the other and it just forms these giant cliques that are so irritating because then if your friend hates this girl because she ruined her almost relationship with that guy (which by the way was never going to be anything because lets face it casual elevator flirting isnt really going to turn into a marrage (but the stupid thing is that even though you think it will, it won’t!! and you aren’t the exception that it’s totally going to happen for, it’s just not happening)) but anyway then you can’t borrow that cool dress she had that totally fitted you because your friend hates her then you totally want that dress so you have to secretly visit the other girl who you friend hates to get this dress and next thing you know you’re in two cliques and you can’t be in two cliques, whose side are you on if you’re in both cliques!?!? I hope girls are reading this and realising how bullshit it sounds. Please just get over yourself. It’s irritating cos as Im writing this I can tell people will be like “But sarah totally fuked me over way more than those other stories” I just want you to step back and take a good look at why you actually hate “sarah” and try and understand that its a bull shit reason.
LOL



the best ways to die in dunedin II by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, terrible fiction | Tags: , , , , ,

posted by ophalm

once again death blows it’s stinking odour in our general direction. but what if we could make that stench appealing? what if dying in dunedin could be fun and entertaining? no what ifs needed my friends, because the time is here
one thing that’s amazing about death is simply the vast array of choices you have! here are but some

freefall suicide from the richardson building

blue skies mean joyful deaths

blue skies mean joyful deaths

why the richardson building? why not jump to your death off something more interesting? well lets be honest what is more interesting that jumping off of a building with the nickname of “dick”?
if we are truly being honest many things are more interesting and maybe this is what makes jumping off the richardson building such an attractive way to die. it’s humble. pride is a terrible sin and humility is a virtue all but lost in our terrible society. suiciding from the RB brings a smile to a child’s face and a tear to a grandma’s eye. how much are these things worth? they can’t be paid for in money that’s for sure – only in integer values of human lives.

cutting the brake system in boy racer’s cars

ok I’ve turned the notion on it’s head, because the death here is the third person, not the first person, but that’s ok because it’s boy racers that are dying

lets pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

let us pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

this is lovely because this can be applied in any city in the world. see boy racers are terrible. by definition. if a boy racer isn’t a terrible person, well then they’re not a boy racer.
what we’d like to see done here is sabotage. boy racers often have jobs which they need in order to pay off their ridiculous loans, so they can’t be driving all the time. you need to get under the car and using some tools break the relevant part of the brakes that stops them from dying.
next thing you know, the boy racer is driving (probably excessively in some manner) along and wants to stop but he can’t and if by sheer luck you happen to see this you’ll be filled with joy as you watch his face in shock as his car ploughs into a powerpole and his head is destroyed against the wind screen.
some family members may cry and maybe even the girl he got pregnant after high school cries too. but you can’t win without losing and every time a boy racer dies the universe wins



Student Feng shui by strangelyanonymous
March 30, 2009, 12:59 am
Filed under: guide, nonsensical, philosophy, student life | Tags:

posted by strangelyanonymous

As an aspiring child of knowledge it is imperative that you arrange your living space to best capture the energy flow to harmonize your life and learning. Drawing on millennia of ancient knowledge and improvable statement I present here to you the complete feng shui guide for students.

1: always keep your window open because it will allow circulating chi to be rejuvenated and will go some way to removing the odors that are incontrovertible proof of your atrocious lifestyle.

3: Always keep a teddy bear in plain view in your room. Teddy bears are strongly symbolic of new life and will give the impression to visitors that you have a soft side and are not a sociopath. In contrast always keep the chainsaw out of sight.

12th: If you have a picture of Ghandi in your room (and lets be honest, who doesn’t?) ensure that you maximise the flow of pacifism through the image by writing the word ‘wuss’ in italicised boldface captials. The finished text should look similar to this: “WUSS“.

6: Instead of using cumbersome drawers or filing cabinets, store your treasures and important documents close to earth so they can absorb the natural aura of mother nature to keep them safe. Under the floorboards is usually the best place for keeping human remains and/or blackmail photos of StudyLink staff in compromising positions.

H: Your textbooks are representative of western consumer philosophy – which is bad for your karma. Do not let them into your room, your inner sanctum. For reasons I can’t get into here, I recommend burning them and coating yourself in the ashes while singing Kumbayah ever-so-softly.

5: To enhance concentration in times of mental fatigue, try burning methamphetamine incense. The welcoming aroma from these mystical crystals will remind you of open fields and forgotten vendettas – re-invigorating your focus.

4: Try to keep as many used food containers as possible in your room. The residual life force will become apparent during the waxing of the lunar cycle and they will come in handy for those 4am scrambles to find something to vomit in.

2: To alleviate stress in difficult times – move your bed to block the doorway in the north wall. This will keep the calming natural essences locked into your living area as well preventing the man outside from getting in and attacking with a golf club you for what you did to his first-year daughter behind the Gardies car park.

***

If you follow these simple rules you will have no trouble flying through your degree with barely adequate marks and you’ll be suckling at the teat of capitalism in no time. Plus you get that photo of you in the gown and silly hat. Hang it on the east wall to minimize the flow of broken dreams that emanates from it.



how to look like a douchebag III by ophalm
March 27, 2009, 5:00 am
Filed under: guide, horrible, mockery, student life | Tags:

douce

Fave cartoon character
Captain Planet
Ever found something good in someone else’s discarded trash?
Yes, a pogo stick when I was a kid
What event would you put on in the new stadium?
Three ring circus
If you were to dress up as a fictional character, who would it be?
Quail Man
Cheap drink deals – more money left over for the bills or a bigger night out?
Bigger night
Who would you most want to see naked on the internet?
Dr Phil

this guy is a fucking tool. look at him. there is nothing redeeming about him apart from his choice of cartoon character, and the only reason I say that is because before I read it I asked myself that question and thought “captain planet” – when I saw he chose it too I felt ashamed, but not as much as this guy’s mother must be