otago massacre

May 23, 2009, 6:00 pm
Filed under: cartoon, horrible, nonsensical | Tags:

posted by dangercore











fuck umbrellas by ophalm
May 14, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: horrible, student life | Tags: , , ,

posted by ophalm


umbrellas at the core are a reasonable idea, especially this week. but why the fuck are they so poorly designed?


why is it so easy for umbrellas to go inside out? why are they made with some such flimsy material? why is the stitching so weak that they rip off their tips at the mere sight of wind?


I reckon that if I had tons of money, I could probably design a better umbrella. I wouldn’t aim for the most lightweight or necessarily the most compact, I’d just make them so they didn’t fucking suck.

what about an asymmetrical one that went low down the back to protect your backpack.. or maybe a gutter system so the water didn’t drip into your shoes? I’d probably also not have eye gouging tips either so you didn’t fear destroying the sight of passers by. I’d put reinforcing around the outside and sew the material to the spines at more than just one or two points. 

are these ideas really so hard to come up with? as it stands currently I’ll have to put up with utter shit for umbrellas but take solace in the only worthwhile application thus far:


I think you're using it wrong

it happened (aka conservatives are rude) by ophalm
April 30, 2009, 11:44 am
Filed under: horrible, politics | Tags: , , , ,

posted by ophalm

I accidentally watched the news. I saw some article about boot camp and sending young children there to make tshirts for middle class white teens. in fact here are a couple from stuff here and here

but this post isn’t so much about that as it is about conservatives, those dirty fuckers. but the boot camp fiasco highlights the issue, and it’s timely with the recent posting about political correctness by an evidently uninformed young person

the gist of the boot camp article is that national in all their privileged wisdom want to sentence young offenders to boot camp for a while, help straighten them out. on the very surface this seems like a good idea I guess. but then we start getting some more opinions and facts coming through:

“We found no evidence whatsoever that it does anything other than to prepare young people to live in a military world, not be good family members,” Chief Families Commissioner Jan Pryor said. “In some instances they have been shown to increase offending.”

oh yeah..

Unicef’s Barbara Lambourn said the bill pandered to “populist and ill-informed pitchfork-and-torches mentality” and said harsher punishment increased the likelihood of reoffending. It also breached United Nations conventions. “…Children’s rights are being knowingly disregarded.”

uh huh..

Putting children in the criminal justice system also left them vulnerable to physical and sexual abuse and “put them in the company of their peer group which is just ideal for teaching criminality”.

on the news article on the ‘vision there was something along the lines of “those who work on the coalface, the youth workers say that this is a terrible idea”..

but what’s national doing? going ahead with it anyway. and this is to me what conservatism is all about. see we’ve got these priviliged white people who see a problem, and thinking back to their oppressive roots (being the oppressor) they conceive of the harshest way to deal with the problem within the realms of vaguely keeping human rights intact, because they generally believe that if something is bad people will avoid it and therefore crime will be stopped etc etc etc.

yet all the studies, evidence and opinions from those that are relevant say that’s not the way. they say we need a more reasonable approach – which probably requires more work and grace – that actually results in positive change, not just retribution. but conservatives just don’t give a fuck about any of that stuff and go ahead anyway.

and you can apply this theory to almost any attempt of social change that conservatives do. drug policies instantly jump to mind; “if we make the punishments for doing drugs harsh, people won’t do them and society will be saved” only anyone who has a clue realises that it doesn’t work. there is a problem in our society with drugs, but laws aren’t going to fix it, it’s a health issue.

I used to sum up conservatives (vs liberals) like this: conservatives want society to suit them and liberals want society to suit everybody and yes it’s a massive generalisation but it fits.

what’s most offensive of course is that the majority of the population is ignorant enough to vote conservatives into power every once in a while – and why? because the conservative approach of keeping themselves in the good and everyone else in the suck appeals to a large proportion of society who (believes) that it will keep the status quo with their privileged lifestyle.

a bit ott maybe? /rant

the best ways to die in dunedin II by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, terrible fiction | Tags: , , , , ,

posted by ophalm

once again death blows it’s stinking odour in our general direction. but what if we could make that stench appealing? what if dying in dunedin could be fun and entertaining? no what ifs needed my friends, because the time is here
one thing that’s amazing about death is simply the vast array of choices you have! here are but some

freefall suicide from the richardson building

blue skies mean joyful deaths

blue skies mean joyful deaths

why the richardson building? why not jump to your death off something more interesting? well lets be honest what is more interesting that jumping off of a building with the nickname of “dick”?
if we are truly being honest many things are more interesting and maybe this is what makes jumping off the richardson building such an attractive way to die. it’s humble. pride is a terrible sin and humility is a virtue all but lost in our terrible society. suiciding from the RB brings a smile to a child’s face and a tear to a grandma’s eye. how much are these things worth? they can’t be paid for in money that’s for sure – only in integer values of human lives.

cutting the brake system in boy racer’s cars

ok I’ve turned the notion on it’s head, because the death here is the third person, not the first person, but that’s ok because it’s boy racers that are dying

lets pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

let us pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

this is lovely because this can be applied in any city in the world. see boy racers are terrible. by definition. if a boy racer isn’t a terrible person, well then they’re not a boy racer.
what we’d like to see done here is sabotage. boy racers often have jobs which they need in order to pay off their ridiculous loans, so they can’t be driving all the time. you need to get under the car and using some tools break the relevant part of the brakes that stops them from dying.
next thing you know, the boy racer is driving (probably excessively in some manner) along and wants to stop but he can’t and if by sheer luck you happen to see this you’ll be filled with joy as you watch his face in shock as his car ploughs into a powerpole and his head is destroyed against the wind screen.
some family members may cry and maybe even the girl he got pregnant after high school cries too. but you can’t win without losing and every time a boy racer dies the universe wins

printers is the worst subject by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: nonsensical, philosophy | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

well do I have a few things to say about printers? yes I do. I was unwantingly lamenting to some student colleagues my many opinion on printers

see to start the story, to give a bit of background, I was sitting in the esteemed hunter centre “studying” for an assessment when I saw a “pixar 390” or I have no idea what it was called printer from “student it” for $39. student it is another target for derision but that can probably wait. so this printer. I pointed it out and student colleague says “I’ve got one of those printers and it’s shit” and pulls out a terribly printed piece of paper. we laughed – it was a good day.

so I realised after this, after a few stories to the boys about printers, that I wasn’t just a printer expert but that I was the mother fucking ghandi of printers

my first printer for my amiga was a 9pin dot matrix. I can’t remember the brand but I recall at some stage getting a colour adapter for it. I could replace the cartridge (which had a long ribbon with ink on it within) with a colour cartridge which had a ribbon but the ribbon was CYMK. wow those were the days. I had this piece of software which could make my printer print really fine but it took literally about 15 minutes per page. I am not making that up.

and then I have experience with a brother laser printer at my old job. oh man that was a workhorse. it was a black and white laser and I printed maybe 20-50 sheets a day for 5 years. it occasionally needed a new toner cartridge and they weren’t cheap, but on a per sheet basis they were amazing. it had this meter you could bring up on the computer and it would tell you how much toner was left and how used the laser drum was. the laser drum started at 100% and when it went down to 0% it needed replacing. last time I looked it was at -300%, 4 times it’s designed use rate.

and to introduce the next candidate before the old one is done with, the printer we replaced the B&W laser with was a colour laser. now this was not an awesome printer. well, it wasn’t bad, but the toner was expensive and what pissed me off, and what was awesome about the brother B&W was that on this printer when it was getting low on ink it would tell you. and once it had run out you needed to buy more. now this is not really odd or bad, but in this case the ink hadn’t actually run out, it just told me it had according to it’s printing stats. same with the drum actually. so often I had to throw out a toner cartridge with perfectly good toner in it because the printer was convinced it was empty. the old printer told me ink was low but let me print forever. I’d take the cartridge out and shake it and bang the next 5 sheets were good as new.
it pissed me off so much that you could buy a product but couldn’t use it like you wanted.

and I’ve had two home printers worth mentioning only they’re not. they were both cheap ink jets – like the cheap one that started this intelligent discussion – and I don’t know why I didn’t realise that the reason they are so cheap is because you spend so much money on ink. at least I’m not buying brand ink but the printing sucks and they don’t work well and install shit on your computer blah blah


it’s much more expensive to buy a laser printer but in the long run they are so much better than an ink jet style one. but ink jets are much cheaper and if you only print occasionally it’s probably a better choice

real conclusion

printers are a boring AS FUCK topic so please get on with your life I hope you didn’t read any of this

recession on wall street by ophalm
March 27, 2009, 5:50 pm
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,

posted by ophalm


it's so shiny!

what do we have here? apparently someone didn’t get the message that the world’s economy has turned to ass and they’ve decided to build a new mall. in dunedin. and name it after a street that houses most of the banks that shat directly into our faces


wall street on george street

being the kind of person I am, I’m actually offended by this mall. not because of anything in particular but because of everything in particular. I hate malls. I’m from christchurch which is like the land of milk, honey and malls. and in the process of building the malls they tore down the milk and honey so now it’s just malls. I can think of 5 large malls in christchurch which all have identical stores and in have turned the centre of town (through drawing people away from it) from something once unique to a cesspit of boy racers and.. well there’s nothing worse than boy racers

and this is what malls do. they have the same shit as every other mall so that people can spend their money in the same way at a number of different geographic locations and look the same as others.


and I think this mall must have been built on some ancient indian/aboriginal/african/rasta burial ground because they had this guy “patrolling” the mall, or maybe he was the attraction? when he saw me take a picture of him he smiled and didn’t try to stab me so he’s being paid well enough evidently


the mall is not finished. it’s open to the public and no-one has died yet but they are desperate for your dollars so here you go. it’s still a mall. it’s still terrible and hopefully unsafe. you know it’s kind of like a european dance club, minus the strippers – which in this case would have been the only redeeming feature


they have a light show. this non-moving image doesn’t show it but those lights change colour. what a great use of the cities electricity. right above bras n things. I wonder what they sell in bras and things? cats? I guess at the very least this mall might give us some sexy underwear. underwear tainted with mall


and then there is this. life pharmacy. I’m tempted for my life’s goal to be to bring down the life pharmacy corporation. I’m calling a boycott of the place. just look at it.
I have on 1st/2nd hand knowledge that this place wants your money more than they want you well. “sometimes you need to decide between selling up, or giving the customer the best medicine for them”.. I’m glad profits come before people’s health..

all in all this new mall is nothing but a mall. right now it looks new but in 10 years time it’ll look like the meridian. and people will want a new mall. but malls are the bane of a human’s existence. they destroy community, originality and fun. they attract the worst kind of people possible and they give us nothing.
yet people want them! I talked to some older woman once who were lamenting about this new mall “oh it’ll be great” etc etc and I told them of the legend of how the malls in christchurch destroyed the unique inner city and asked if they were saying that they were willing to sacrifice uniqueness for convenience and when put in those words they said “I.. guess so”.
ultimately the sad point here is that the mall is just a response to the retarded population’s desire to spend money without thinking. I will make it my life’s goal to not spend a cent in there. and bring down life pharmacy. I have a few life goals.

campus watch declares “war on students” by ophalm
March 16, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

after one too many “fuck you campus watch” like statements, campus watch have decided that their presence has been ignored for long enough and they are declaring a “war on students”

ak47s on campus?

put down your lunch you pot smoking hippies

it’s not clear yet what their offensive will consist of – but be rest assured – they will still not have the power to arrest you. but will they molest you? maybe not as too many have already been molested and now they are watched too closely for them to risk it. people say that no good can come from molestation but in this case the rule is proved wrong

“They are all good kids.” claims campus watcher in the ODT. what is this two faced approach to the students? I get the impression it’s more of a grooming style attempt to lure children into their “cave” ala hansel and gretal. only in this story it’s not as sick as a grandmother trying to fry children – it’s worse.

campus watch gets a bad rap sometimes. is it deserved? is it due to their hate filled attitudes towards student activities? is it bitterness caused undoubtedly because they themselves didn’t go to university and they have to watch everyone else improve themselves?
these are all things that contribute towards the students opinion of campus watch and our opinion of them is all the matters really. the dean of the university likes to think what he thinks counts, but, um, no..

eitherway none of this is going to make campus watch any more relevant by trying to appeal to the “war on X” movement of late. apparently they help people get across campus safely at night time and some other noble activities, but the recent two faced war on students is likely to drive the public’s opinion of campus watch from “better than jason gunn” to “worse than jason gunn”