otago massacre


Thursday Wordshit #2 by criticalwat
March 11, 2010, 3:28 pm
Filed under: drinking culture, drugs, horrible

criticalwat

Today is thursday so I will write words for you to read.

Energy Drink Review
Lo-Carb Monster Energy 500ml can

so good for you,it’ll probably give you cancer before it makes you fatter

Taste: Like how bubblegum flavoured V would taste but less sugary. As you could imagine it leaves a little bit of an aftertaste

Marketing Spiel:

Pretty retarded. By energy drink standards its better then the  macho shit mother and demon spouts as well as Relentless’s whole “Suffer for your ART” thing…still they could of said everything that needed saying about the product in the second last line

“Tear into a can of the meanest energy drink on the planet. LO CARB MONSTER ENERGY.

We went down to the lab and performed major surgery on the Monster. We hacked out the carbohydrates and calories,transplanted the massive buzz and dialed in the flavor.

Lo-Carb Monster Energy still delivers the big bad buzz you know and love but only has a fraction of the calories

Unleash The Beast!”

Mixed with alcohol: What are you retarded? This shit is bad enough for you already. If you have to I guess it wouldn’t mix too badly as a replacement to red bull in a jägerbomb in terms of taste since its not as strong tasting as red bull.

Strength: As its not a “nutritional supplement” (some drinks like NOS try to get more caffeine in their drinks by calling them that) its about average for a 500ml drink. Mother and Demon are a little bit stronger though.

Price: I paid about $3.20 from Rob Roy. I think thats pretty standard

Other: This stuff smells really strongly of bubblegum even once the can is empty. Its actually kinda weird

Computer Tip

edit: dropbox has a web interface. disregard my bullshit

Also a tip for windows users. try opening up msconfig every so often and unchecking the stuff you don’t absolutely need at startup in the startup tab. This will save a lot of time when you start your computer.

You can do this by opening up Run (should be under accessories depending on your version of windows) and typing in msconfig to open the program.

Then just click on startup and uncheck stuff you don’t think you need. Remember you can just open up apps as you need them anyway

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red cups by mrobotham
February 28, 2010, 3:25 pm
Filed under: drinking culture, drugs, student life | Tags: , , ,

mrobotham

fuck red cups

but before I get into it, I’ve designed a song to be listened to while this article is being read, it’s essential
right click into new tab (it’ll play automatically) to listen to AMBS.mp3

anyway, red cups.
an exploration to the bottle store yesterday left me weary and depressed. at the counter I saw not one but more than one packets of red cups

what just are these red cups? the concept of a red cup doesn’t bother my per se, what does is these red cups in particular. the semi-disposable semi-reusable red plastic cups that have been in american college movies for as long as I can remember

what about it makes me so furious? I guess it’s just sad to see our weak culture as it is be drowned out and diluted by copying shitty things that happen in north america

because you know what comes with red cups? beer pong. one of the rudest sports known to man

and keg stands fall under the same category. the saddest attempts at drinking based masculinity

and it’s not necessarily that these things are bad in of themselves, it’s just so shameful that people in our delightful little nation lack the ability to create their own drinking culture but have to steal shit off the most horrible of western nations and be north americas little brother, trying desperately to copy for no reason other than that they are doing it

and today my friends (you’re not really my friends) you have been shown a little bit of insight into why most of the people around you are worthless cunts. you should still love them of course but secretly hate them a little inside every day

if it’s not a rage you feel then it’s surely a wetness that can only be described as “haunting” and you should feel ashamed although I’m sure shame is a feeling you’re more than familiar with



motivation by ophalm
September 14, 2009, 9:47 pm
Filed under: drugs | Tags: ,

ophalm

it’s been so quiet here. man I just can’t be fucked doing this when there are so many other things.

yeah that cock dangercore has been rodding it up but lets be honest, it’s a bit filler isn’t it?

anyway, in last weeks critic they had an article about nanny states
and again there is mention this week

see this is a bit of a weak dual critic cavern

alcohol is all it’s about these days.
we have an article about it. harms, pros, cons, everything
then we have a story celebrating the phenomenomly obscence drinking habits of that dude who was dared or something. he finished it early and so he got back on it the next day. is this getting drunk even after drinking a whole keg nothing but a sign of alcohol tolerance and probably dependence? given just how addictive alcohol actually is, this is not really surprising except to the most naive

and it’s not like critic is necessarily saying it’s ok, but simply by making a note of it sort of condones the activity, in a sense. I mean, since when is binging on drugs something news worthy? people do that shit on meth and opiates every week! maybe we should talk about harry the first year who fell into the wrong crowd, spent his course costs on 10 or so grams of methampetamine and is keeping himself up and fucking active for an entire week! and afterwards, instead of resting, he just wanted more meth! it’s a time for celebration certainly

I guess at least if he was on meth he was probably productive. I wonder if that guy that drank that keg got much done that week?
so alcohol huh. nanny states right.. mobius strip is either getting better or it’s just inconsistent.. and yeah.. womans month. I found the article in the middle a bit stereotype enforcing or maybe I just don’t get witty satire :~



critic cavern 14/07/09 by ophalm

ophalm

I actually came across this by accident this week. I intended to pick it up from somewhere else, but I saw it while marching to the toilet before my 9am lecture. I didn’t know it circulated this widely but lessons can be learnt any day but sunday and that’s not today.

it’s really quite tempting to say something about the cover. to make a comment about the article of internet memes. it really infuriates me so much, on so many different levels for so many different reasons that I’m afraid I can’t make comment because I know I won’t be able to do my absolute hatred justice

so they’re renaming re-o week to take two. “a rose by any other name is still a rose” is a famous quote which, while it hits the nail on the head, fails to describe the depth of the situation. see whether otago likes it or not, it’s reputation is drunken parties. degrees come a distant second I’m sorry. the drug of the nation is being consumed at an ever increasing rate and the only thing to do is to join it. renaming it won’t have prevented the castle street keg party last night, and it won’t prevent first years from losing their date-rape virginities either. effort in a different way… maybe?

but what about the rest of the magazine? it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I said that in the last post but maybe it’s getting through to you. see some of the columns are new! fantastic I can hear the angels singing.

there’s an obsessive compulsive “red shoes diary” fan who writes for a column called “AV’S SWEET” and it’s name is emma tate. she likes tv. waaay to much apparently. not smart enough to download tv though, just stream it, and not smart enough to write a column worth reading. anyone who has enough time to watch the shit she gloats about doesn’t deserve my time nor my semen

“what maketh the man?” by kavi chetty. an article about moustaches. I’m gonna call his bluff and say that he wrote this article purely from a perspective of admiration for something retro, but without actually having the balls to do anything about it. does kavi have a moustache? I’m betting no, and if I’m right then I’m also right about his propensity for touching other men’s scrotums. personally I have a moustache. in a technical sense anyway.

“oooh snap!” I am so glad the unitards have some kind of extra outlet on top of facebook for posting pictures of themselves drunk. “hey look at me I’m contributing to the nation’s disgrace, can’t you see I’m drunk!”

there was a higher than normal proportion of articles about murder and fighting and death and punching and all things that seem horrible. I guess it’s good that there is information getting out there, but where are the outlets for the anger built up from finals?

page 55 have a nice wee third page ad about brazilian waxes just below a nerd article. who plans this magazine? the pirate bay going “legit” is an interesting concept, although what affect it will have on the greater torrent community is uncertain. I know that most people are moving away from the public sites (pirate bay, mininova etc) to private and even secret trackers. harder to get stung. personally I’m surprised NZ doesn’t have it’s own one, it’s about time. everyone knows that copyright holds the public back and that’s it’s only real goal is to increase the wealth gap between the rich and the poor! the only war is class war my friend. so who wants to come with me to get a brazilian?

and there you go. another week down



critic cavern 27/05/09 by ophalm
May 27, 2009, 2:33 pm
Filed under: drugs, politics, student life, uni | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

has monday passed already? it easy to tell because the sweet effluent smell of critic arrives at our nostrils once again

only this time it has something to say that’s somewhat relevant. not that it’s not overshadowed as always by the reek of the majority of the publication, but still. give credit where credits due

students fail at democrazy
this is true. we students suck. I didn’t vote either. my excuse is that I didn’t know it was on, but this is a very poor excuse, as I read the critic last week and somewhere in my head I knew there was an election, but I just didn’t click and when I got home on thursday night I had an (unhelpful) email in my student email account reminding me to vote by 5pm (I think). it was later than then so I missed out. so I can’t blame anyone in particular, so I’ll blame everyone.
the idea of doing it online though: ¡el superior! because more people could vote and if the page was made in a reasonable fashion, you’d be able to read about the candidates, and imagine if they started a message board too so people could discuss the candidates and ask them question.
that’d be far too much like democracy should be like though…

stoners need to get an attitude adjustment
this article is pretty spot on. I mean, on some level I disagree with the general notion that people should have to live up to societies expectations, but upon further thought and realisation that stoners are trying to win said societies respect, it’s a worthwhile message.
maybe if they started to realise that stoners didn’t have to be wasters, something might change. so maybe they should stop drinking woodstock (I saw this happen earlier this year!) and wear nice clothes. invite some business men down, maybe peter chin. have some nibbles, some foie gras and impress the locals. the key my friends will be this

what else is there? I’m running this critic cavern without having opened the critic since yesterday morning. due to that, I don’t remember anything else. human lefts was interesting, they wrote the article about the stoners too. an evil rant about open source software is included somewhere and the cartoon about the mother on crack, well, I didn’t find it funny. I wonder what they think about that?



critic cavern 12/05/09 by ophalm
May 13, 2009, 1:29 pm
Filed under: drugs, horrible | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

what do we have here?

I’ve actually read most of this one. even the parts I never read. why? I’ve spent a fair amount of time on the toilet lately and there is only one I will accept doing while taking a shit – and that is reading critic

because that’s the only time the smell of critic doesn’t overpower my senses

so consequently I’ve learned a few things. and other parts of my mind have been damaged. does it balance out? with critic you always run at a net loss, ask any economics student.

shitty advice about colds
well not all the advice is shitty, but it is confusing and inconsistent. tell me critic, should we listen to modern medicine or our superstitious mothers, because you don’t seem to know. and tell me how buying aspirin or ibuprofen doesn’t give money to pharmaceutical companies? instead of buying Panadol© just go to the supermarket and buy generic paracetamol.
and while they briefly mention keeping your fluids in at the start, it wasn’t amongst the bullet pointed list of things to do.. it should be number fucking one. fluids, rest and don’t booze, and eat vegetables.. maybe smoke some weed to feel better

actually I can’t be fucked doing anymore of this. despite reading the whole thing, this shit just takes too much time. keep on truckin’



news watch 26/04/09 by ophalm
April 26, 2009, 7:22 pm
Filed under: drugs, entertainment, horrible, mockery

posted by ophalm

will newspapers ever get the message that nobody reads them and that they are worthless? thankfully yes due to declining sales they will get the message through the sure messenger of redundancy

christianwasters

here’s some information for you. in order for cows to give us milk they need to have given birth to a little child cow. if the cow actually fed this child cow then the milk wouldn’t be available to drink. so the little cow is disposed of. so we have this mournful cow that’s being forced to give milk. and what happens to this milk?
a bunch of christians are using it in a skulling competition. apparently denigrating the binge drinking community isn’t enough for them so they need to try to copy it as their own, only managing to trivialise the poor cows suffering. good work there

compost
I guess overall it’s a good thing that the newspaper is encouraging composting, but seriously, do people really need to be taught how? can’t they just do it? put your old shit in a bin and wait. it might not smell good, or it might smell fantastic. eitherway your old shit will be even older and confined to one space

growingtaller
I can’t help but feel for the midgets who this advertising campaign neglects

crazycatloans
if there’s one thing more important in life than wiping your ass, it’s not getting a loan from crazy cat loans. you’d have to be so desperate and probably want to go spend that money on a new tail pipe or carbon fibre looking dash for your stupid fucking boy racer car.
ever notice how “boy racer” and “boy rapist” are similar word wise and refer to the same group?

homeschool
homeschooling is a great alternative to – the real world. if you feel the real world is threatening, if you think children should not think for themselves but only as you direct, if you have a family of 6 or more.. then this might be for you. not compatible with critical thinking or socialising

potato1
wow this article really puts the anal in banal

wallst
fuck jeeze guys I called for a boycott but you homos just don’t get it. you went and gave them money and a reason to exist. 😦 life is sad sometimes

robot
what I want to know is, why the hell didn’t I know about this earlier? arguably I could have read this newspaper when it came out but I had tests to fail and now I’ve missed out on Supreme Robot Challenge which was going to be one of the highlights of dunedin’s year and most likely my entire life

communitycampus
want a hand? want to learn how to use your hands? want to make money with your hands? the images at the top right corner show you how dedicated they are to teaching you a lucrative profession:
weedclose
420 every day my friends – even the polytech agrees