otago massacre

critic cavern 23/07/09 by ophalm


well what the shit we have another critic. I’m pretty stoked personally to have found out that the deliver critic as far as the big medical school building. this way I can get my dose of critic a few minutes earlier

and what a dose
what’s happened to all the money? because when I read juicy I expect colours, not this old timey black and white casablanca bullshit that my parents had to put up with
when I looked at it, my first thought was “budget” and my next move was turning the page

on the facing page we find out that a surveying student dies, a real shame. was he drunk when he fell into the water? “it appears he became disoriented before falling into the harbour”. it certainly seems like he was, he had left a 21st. now I don’t think this guy is to blame, my beef is with the lack of mention of alcohol. imagine if there was any evidence that he was on any other drug, “p kills surveying student” or “survey shows surveyor died of cannabis!” it just pisses me off the double standards for alcohol vs recreational drugs. I don’t want to hate on alcohol, but it causes more issues than all other drugs combined; and when it appears fundamental to the death of a promising individual and it’s not even mentioned (knowing full well other drugs would be mentioned if they were involved instead) it just pisses me off. I think it’s a conspiracy theory run by the speights corporation to keep the nation enslaved and sorry I’m not open to any evidence to the contrary


I can't think of many cooler graffitis than the word yeast. microbiology, vaginal infections. I do love fungus and anyone who graffitis fungus related things is a-ok in my book

“shocking revelations” about the state of student housing. I feel the word “revelation” is a bit over the top, seriously no one was under any false impressions of the state of student housing in otago? even the “get over it” campaign knows this, and when advertising campaigns are aware of things, only retard rockers don’t. anyway it’s an interesting article, I can’t tell if they are trying to blame students or landlords. they are just saying that shit sucks really. the students lap it up though. first years get a chance to have decent first hand experience of castle street before vying for the flats next year, it’s not like they are conned into shit. they made their bed and now they’re sleeping in it what is the problem?

you know there are a lot of words in this critic. not enough pictures and not enough colours and too many words

just look:
* why should ousa not rush into supporting the stadium?
* laffin’ it up in dunedin
* making a buck out of other people’s bad luck
* rioting with reason: forty years on from the stonewall riots
*a kiwi comic book hero

all in a row. I realise magazines are to provide content but geez. I read the start of three of them. that’s a pretty good effort for me
I have to say that I don’t get the article on comedians. is it mocking them or celebrating them? it’s kinda doing both – poorly. the one about war seems promising. it’s the kind of article I think other people should read, but wouldn’t read myself.. does that make me a hypocrite or simply a wise mentor?
stonewall riots is all about the gay agenda. god bless lsd for unleashing a generation from under the power of authority. but authority made awesome experiences illegal in order to steal back their reign of terror. thankfully it has never quite gotten back to where it was, but “brave new world” style distraction certainly has society tied down in a totally different way, maybe not as bad but certainly more subversive. I see it in other students, it makes me sad, that people don’t care much and that the media has sort of implied that fighting for things is pointless please just sit back and enjoy the ride. I could go on but I don’t think I know what I’m talking about
something about comic books. I don’t get comics. they are extremely unsatisfying and I kinda like the concept of x-men but reading a comic of it sucks. I have to walk past a comic book store every day to uni, and I hardly ever see anyone in there and it kind of makes me sad because I don’t like seeing businesses failing, but that is just a presumption and it is a shit time economically and I just wonder why people do things like that. I’ve seen some of the staff, and they look way too “trendy” and “cool” and certainly look like they think they’re cool enough for modaks but I don’t buy it and sorry comics don’t appeal. thats my opinion about that article

what is the point of bunch of fives? community? an attempt to provide realism? is it the magazine equivalent of reality tv?
it doesn’t make sense. it would be nice if they told us what the questions they asked were. who edits this magazine?

and the rest goes on and on and on. the most interesting thing in the second entire half of the magazine is the second half of the letters which are placed right at the end. there is a charming wee letter about the code of conduct. I don’t know fuck all about the code but this person is asking a ridiculous request, an infringement on other people’s lives and is the equivalent of going to church and the minister telling you that you had to go straight home after church and couldn’t hang around with other people.
CoC lover your name says it all


this pamphlet predicts your future by ophalm
July 20, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: student life | Tags: , , , ,


the other day at student health while in the waiting line to get my colon evacuated after a particularly brutal night on the cough syrup I noticed a charming wee pamphlet


is my drinking ok? they’re probably talking about alcohol and not robotripping, so I do the quiz. it’s not fun like a facebook quiz because the end results aren’t “the vegetable you have the most in common with is – pumpkin” or “what ex shortland street star do you wish to date – robyn malcom” but they are “serious”

what kind of questions do they ask? questions like “how often you wake up needing a drink?”, and how often do you wake up feeling guilty after drinking?”. now that question is unfair because I always wake up from a drinking session feeling guilty regardless; but maybe that’s because of my answers to “how often are you unable to remember the night before?” combined with “how often do you injure someone as a result of drinking?”

anyway, come to the end of the pamphlet, the finishing line


and it reads like a horrorscope. “your drinking will cause you problems” and there you have it. our future predicted. it’s pretty gloomy I reckon. what about the fun times I have causing problems?

as a slightly serious note, the “problem” with this test, is while it might point out some issues, it’s just not realistic. according to another page the maximum drinks for one session is six (men) and four (woman) and during one week is twenty one (men) and fourteen (woman). those numbers are probably based on evidence. but asking students to not have more than four/six drinks in a session just causes a laugh. I know it’s what should be happening, but the theory/practice gap is so large that it’s pointless. but they can’t really advocate drinking more than that and saying thats ok….

maybe we should just smoke weed instead. if I have six beers and a fat bowl I feel pretty alright and if it’s good enough for me it’s good enough for our children

Surcharges. What the shit!?!? by loisweathers
April 22, 2009, 8:20 pm
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, entertainment, horrible | Tags: , , ,

poasted by lois weathers

So I’m just a kid right, new to the whole bar scene. But don’t be fooled, I’m adaptable, I’ve gotten into it like a fish in water. Or as it be fresher in a pool of booze and barf.

This whole bar scene is very exciting, Im not a major piss fiend myself but I enjoy a social drink or two. And I rock some moves on the D floor. I have however seen the hard core piss fiends that seem to really enjoy getting so fucked up they cant even walk… with their scrumpy bottles attached to their hands, lying on the vomit covered ground. Sick fucks. Anywho. As you can see I think binge drinking is a really big issue in Dunedin. Otago is really seen as a party uni and that you can get by hungover. Some of you may find it really fun getting wasted and having to get a new liver later on in life but I think a few people are on my track and enjoy maybe one or two drinks and a fun night dancing. But those money hungry bar owners wont take that shit.

You may remember a while ago the bowler did this deal in which you would get a cheaper deal buying 5 or 6 of one drink than you would only buying 1 or 2. So the bargin deal makes us think we HAVE to get 6. Then suddenly your left with 6 drinks all at the same time that you have to skull down. The DCC went down hard on this as uni students were getting really fucked up and smashing shit. Now most money hungry bars would take this as a warning and most did until they came up with this new plot. Now this one is tricky to see through. Ten bar has a surcharge of $5 they put at the door. At first I was like “what the fuck makes 10 bar so fucking special!?” I mean they have sticky floors and urine/vomit covered toilets just like the rest of the bars. Why should I pay $5 to listen to the same music that’s in every other place? Then the bouncer kindly informed me that you got a free tequilla shot with it. I was interested a his definition that the shot was “free”.

But was it really? I was paying $5 to get in… And then getting a drink. Seems a bit fishy to me. What if I was sober driver for my friends?? I paid to get into the bar, and then their offering me this free shot. Whats a kid to do? And the choice of a shot was really a masterful one. As most people want some other drink after to get the rancid taste of tequila out of thier mouth. This is just asking for uni students to go in and get fucked up and smash some shit. But they’ve done it in this cunning way called a “surcharge”
Just wait man, my prediction is that soon every bar will have a “surcharge” that come with a “free” drink and then the worst will happen. Soon there will just be surcharges with no drink!!! Say no now dunedin!! We don’t want to be Sydney!!!!
Thanks for reading. LOL

critic cavern 18/04/09* by ophalm
April 19, 2009, 4:49 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , , ,

posted by ophalm

why have I asterisked this critic cavern? because this date is slightly misleading. this isn’t an old approach to last weeks but an advanced “critique” of their forthcoming “edition”. why do I have this? I have a feeling someone on the inside of critic feels a threat. to be honest I don’t know how I got this new “episode” early but it’s proving to be to be quite the revealing “installment”


well would you look at this. finally some recognition! it’s not really surprising that once critic got wind of the massacre that they’d be lining up to kiss my sweet ass. I do like their positive spin on how I view them, but I am slightly disappointed that anyone who reads that will have no idea what this site is, with no url to guide them… but big props (to us) for getting into the quotes section too. very humble critic..

but I wonder if they thought their new found love would mean maybe they’d be left alone or treated nicer.. as tempting as it would be to be a reasonable human being, this is the internet and that just won’t do.. plus they insulted my advanced form of punctuation – see I don’t believe in capital letters at the start of a sentence. down with traditions

so what else do we have this week? well the editorial consists of physical proof that the editor has little else to do than to complete facialbook quizzes and then employ the results from f’book’s finest “scienticians” (I’m p.sure amy stole that word from me..) to excuse their bias reporting of exec gossip. but let us be honest, other than critic and the execs themselves, who gives a fuck?

binge drinking is once again being portrayed in a negative light, since some fuckers decided to get on the waste and get in a fight on the union, and some other student gets too reckless at the casino. where are all the positive reports of binge drinking? well actually they do have an article on the hyde street binge a thon. sometimes I wonder if the people promoting “moderated” drinking should try an experiment. hold a keg party like the hyde street one, but limit everyone to 6 drinks. see how much more “fun” it is, and then reassess their goals. eitherway fags who get drunk and start fights are fucking losers and they deserve to have their names published. maybe if we all took mdma instead this wouldn’t happen? and I guess campus watch deserves some credit for stopping the fight. although they probably tried to plant cannabis on the kids who got beaten up

there’s some article on local music. probably a good thing. didn’t read it though, I only listen to fast crew. another article on futurology. I’d recommend only reading the last section of it. why? because it’s the only section I read.

turns out neal barber is gay, although I thought barbers were the straight ones and it was hairdressers that were gay? either way this guy strokes the cock, but isn’t ashamed of it. that’s something I’d like to download.

there’s an article somewhere about south dunedin. too much detail man. south dunedin is horrible and really I like to not think about it as much as possible. it’s so depressing to drive through and I can’t even imagine taking the bus there, being stuck without immediate vacatory abilities would leave me teary, and not the kind of teary that makes me look sensitive, but the kind of teary that comes before a fatal pancreatic stabbing

there’s some article about fashion too. now anyone generally who attempts to be on the edge of fashion always looks like a tool. current fashion trends have grown this doucheness to a whole ‘nother level though. but despite the potential positive approach to terrible fashion we could have had, we have a derision of a practical environmentally friendly form of transport. shame on your macmurdo. the other comments though are relatively spot on, expect maybe about the girls. I guess macmurdo fails by only viewing fashion from a fashion point of view. he does not realise that the girls that wear normal tops and tights – that while they may be committing a fashion faux pas – are actually giving the guys at uni something else to perv at. and don’t worry, we never get tired of checking out bitches (note – girls referred to as “bitches” may or may not actually be bitches, it’s a term of endearment)

is there anything else worth discussing? well I’ve already discussed at depth past the part of critic that has anything interesting, so no. they have no comics that I can find which is possibly a good move given the state of the comical world usually, but disappointing in the sense that bad comics are still more “entertaining” (as in, time consuming) than no comics.

so ‘thanks’ critic for the love and the ‘mutual love’ that we share, although further investigation would show to anyone that our relationship is more like one where we’re an abusive partner and they’re the abused mistress who is convinced that we are truly meant for each other, and that when I abuse them, it’s actually because I love them – maybe they’re right, or maybe they’re damn wrong. no-one will ever know

news watch easter by ophalm
April 10, 2009, 10:09 pm
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags:

posted by ophalm

it’s been a while. shit’s been going on but the two stars I just read were a bit of a gold mine really


don't slide into the black hole!

a loose definition of pride.. now I’m not one to bag old people. one day I might be old, but this is mind boggling. a chair that helps you up! wow can life ever cease to surprise me? only $1250 too which for any pensioner is a bargain beyond potatoes. at least she looks content, until it goes too far and murders her


someone other than the elderly are adopting technology – schools! maybe when my children get to school they’ll be learning about “science” and “maths” too


there is nothing that could make this better apart from maybe having granddad himself in the motorised scooter. maybe trying to do a jump of a curb after the child


now this is something I can get behind. I feel like the music industry is pretty fucked in all manners. is there a solution? maybe? it’s surely not the old system of cds and expensive music. what this guy is doing is in the right direction though. offering local music for a small cost and yeah – we need more of this


apparently mayor peter chin is being resurrected at this church this easter. since I’m slow on the posting it’s too late but at least you know it was happening

I just wanted to draw attention to how sad this is. this cat is called magnet and it’s been missing since january and they’ve paid money to get this long classified. sad times indeed


the gist of this article is that there are problems with alcohol, and that the problems stem not from alcohol or society, but from it’s availability. anyone who has a clue knows that limiting where alcohol is brought from and the times it’s available is going to have minimal impact, only the fringe bingers who decide to buy another 12 pack of coronas for $32 at the night and day are going to be stopped.
binge drinking is a culture in nz that’s not going to go away any time soon. I don’t think it’s a particularly heathly culture but it’s there and it’s not due to alcohols immediate availability.
it’s like these people feel a requirement from the public to “do something” about it, so they sit there and change some little things, probably to complain in the future that they “did all they could do” and that the problem still exists.
I don’t have a solution, but I know for sure this isn’t it


please dunedin love us again

it’s gotten serious all of a sudden hasn’t it? I just love this because f&p dump a whole lot of employees and move their workforce somewhere else, but then open a token store in the new shit mall and what are they hoping for? I hope dunedin boycotts this store (and the new mall) but knowing how retardedly consumer the general population is they’ll lap this shit up. it’s a sad age

My Brain Made Me Post This by strangelyanonymous
March 23, 2009, 11:22 pm
Filed under: drugs, student life | Tags: , , , ,

posted by strangelyanonymous

Drinking is bad for you. But you will do it. If you are a creationist, blame God. If you are a Darwinist, blame evolution. But for goodness sake – don’t blame your self!

I had the luxury of attending an open lecture last weekend by Prof Harlene Hayne from the Otago Psychology dept. The intriguing title was “My Brain Made Me Do It”. After hearing the lecture I realized that this translates to:  ”It’s not student’s fault that they drink”. I remember feeling that there was some sort of biological duality discussed about responsibility but I was in the midst of a phenomenal hangover so it all slipped into the mists of alcohol abuse. Fortunately the NZ herald ran an article summarizing her research and will I take the opportunity to draw attention to a couple of points raised:

  • We really are our brains, so it’s not surprising adolescent brains like risky behaviour, driving too fast, unprotected sex, alcohol, because that’s what they are programmed to do.

The logic here is interesting. I am curious to see if stands up in a court of law.

  • Girls are now as much into alcohol, unprotected sex, drugs and other risky behaviour and are hurting themselves and dying at almost as high a rate as their male counterparts.

I’m not sure if this is true judging from the preponderance of non-Munich-style “sausagefests” occuring in town. Where are these drunken, loose or dead women hiding? If they were really into risky behavior why are they not wandering the streets in town? Patently false I say!

Anyway, the moral of the story seemed to be ‘let’s give students a chance because they are just glorified children who don’t know any better’. I think she might have the nail on the head there.

You can find the whole debacle here.

be careful out there! by ophalm
March 13, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: drugs, horrible, student life | Tags: , ,

it was a good night

be careful, if you drink, you might get drunk!


passed out means "maybe later"

if you’ve been through the link lately you may have seen these binge drinking advertisements. reverse psychology – I like their angle. they’ve given us some photos of some hilarious times people have had on the piss and then tell us about date rape.

I’m glad *they* are reaching out to us, the common people, and helping us in our struggle to moderate our drug use.

the rules of intoxication

the rules of intoxication

do most choose? are budgetary constraints possibly a larger influence? the last comment is probably the wisest, as saving money is the key to happiness, and if you take no money with you, you’ll soon learn your abilities of a money beggar quickly and will have more memorable times. and what’s this upper limit? the limit on fun?