otago massacre

my acceptance post by ophalm
October 12, 2009, 12:59 pm
Filed under: entertainment, student life, uni | Tags: ,


I know you don’t really read critic anymore, but if you did you may have noticed that I (and this site) got nominated for “New Zelander of the Year”. not that I have a fucking clue what a new zelander is but I guess it’s meant to be some sort of privilege, even if the other candidates are probably space aliens I can still accept cheap digs as some sort of weak sauce compliment

and they’re dead on the money. I do strike fear into the crotches of the critic team and it is true that I ran out of material very early on and resorted to ripping the shit out of ads for old people’s house appliances that are likely to kill their owners.
but thats life and I don’t get paid for this shit and mostly I’m afraid that if I did get paid I’d have to compromise on my insightful slice of modern university life and that’s not what I’m about anymore. I once was, but that dude took it too far and even after saying the safe word he still penetrated deeper. I have a scar and now it aches every time I sit down and so it literally hurts in my butte to type these things out.


two members of the critic team. I'm so proud of you guys

so “thanks” and maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get inappropriately touched next year too

critic cavern by ophalm
September 21, 2009, 1:36 pm
Filed under: dunedin, horrible, philosophy, rant, student life, uni | Tags: , , , , , , , ,


apparently there was this big rally and people drove down from christchurch and there were riots. in fact it seems that this issue of critic is composed entirely of articles about it. well, there was some other shit but yeah..


Continue reading

motivation by ophalm
September 14, 2009, 9:47 pm
Filed under: drugs | Tags: ,


it’s been so quiet here. man I just can’t be fucked doing this when there are so many other things.

yeah that cock dangercore has been rodding it up but lets be honest, it’s a bit filler isn’t it?

anyway, in last weeks critic they had an article about nanny states
and again there is mention this week

see this is a bit of a weak dual critic cavern

alcohol is all it’s about these days.
we have an article about it. harms, pros, cons, everything
then we have a story celebrating the phenomenomly obscence drinking habits of that dude who was dared or something. he finished it early and so he got back on it the next day. is this getting drunk even after drinking a whole keg nothing but a sign of alcohol tolerance and probably dependence? given just how addictive alcohol actually is, this is not really surprising except to the most naive

and it’s not like critic is necessarily saying it’s ok, but simply by making a note of it sort of condones the activity, in a sense. I mean, since when is binging on drugs something news worthy? people do that shit on meth and opiates every week! maybe we should talk about harry the first year who fell into the wrong crowd, spent his course costs on 10 or so grams of methampetamine and is keeping himself up and fucking active for an entire week! and afterwards, instead of resting, he just wanted more meth! it’s a time for celebration certainly

I guess at least if he was on meth he was probably productive. I wonder if that guy that drank that keg got much done that week?
so alcohol huh. nanny states right.. mobius strip is either getting better or it’s just inconsistent.. and yeah.. womans month. I found the article in the middle a bit stereotype enforcing or maybe I just don’t get witty satire :~

critic cavern 25/08/09 by ophalm
August 25, 2009, 10:21 am
Filed under: politics, student life, uni | Tags: , , , ,


let’s be honest, last week of the term, who could be arsed doing a real cavern? no one that’s who. no one else lines up to do this shit. but it’s got to be done, like changing the toilet roll after it’s empty, avoiding the issue just leads to a faecal mess that you’re going to spend a long time convincing someone else to tidy up.

the OUSA elections are going this week. are you going to vote? I will and that’s all I know. the voter turn out shows us that the majority of the university are simply here to get a degree and not give a fuck. I guess that’s one way to be a successful human being. like strangelyanonymous pointed out in his hard hitting article though, the results of the voting don’t matter. maybe I don’t understand democracy, I just know I’ve been brainwashed into a voting automaton

ben from critic asked me to write a pundit like article for their magazine.. I did it purely for the free otago massacre advertising, and as an opportunity to get “ass wasting” in print, but they changed my spelling to the more correct english way and now I feel a little ripped off if not shafted..

and what else is there? an article about the digitalisation of music. I feel deeply saddened by the writers lack of commitment to the issues that really matter. there’s no discussion of DRM really, or what better solutions could be. doesn’t seem like the writer acknowledges that the music labels want desperately to hold onto their old business models, but need to get with the times..

theres also like 50 other pages in the magazine. most contain stuff not worth reading, and that fits nicely with my apathy..

critic cavern 17/08/09 by ophalm
August 17, 2009, 10:28 pm
Filed under: mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , , ,


the hardest part about writing these hard hitting critiques of critic is the opening paragraph. this week I’ve managed to get around with some meta bullshit but what will I do next week? with any luck critic might have been cancelled so it won’t be an issue

but that’s not the case here. and we’ve got a doosy this week too. vampires and the ousa elections and the cook

the ousa elections are like choosing what toilet paper to buy. it’s a decision that affects everyone, but the outcome of the decision doesn’t actually change a god damn thing
so these are our two candidates. tweedle dum and tweedle dee
actually they appear to be polar opposites in a very similar way. harriet reeks of that “please everyone, understand nothing” rhetoric that swamps half the candidates for any election, while nicholas – who looks like the love child of tony zaharic – has taken the “realistic” approach of not making promises but claiming he will listen to the students.
the same message said in two different ways. I’m not going to make any judgement calls on who is better or worse (you can wait till next week’s critic for that 😉 ) but as far as making a comment on who is likely to be more popular, well that’s a difficult call. both candidates fall in the middle of the two different boxes (the realist vs the idealist) so I think it’ll actually be a pretty close call

what was interesting was this
our friend from critic cavern a couple of weeks ago, our masturbate-to-napoleon-dynamite, wear-glasses-because-my-eyes-are-fucked, emo friend. now she has a name – stephanie. how coincidental…

because it brings me to this
we have a name for these kinds of people: twilight apologists. a bit like truthers or birthers, only orders of magnitude less relevant, yet equally as boring.
so apparently this was a hater turned lover epic. the problem is, is that she doesn’t truly get the hate. well don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate twilight, I simply haven’t given it enough thought or time to come to such a strong decision, but I do understand the hate. one of my facebook “friends” went and saw it at the movies about 10 times. if this was an isolated case it would mean nothing but it wasn’t, it just goes to show what is so wrong with the twilight obsession – and that is the obsession part. it’s not because of twilight in of itself as far as I am concerned, it’s the level of obsession given just how average, plain and forgettable twilight (undoubtedly) is. if only she could understand that most haters are simply concerned world citizens that regard such issues as actually being fundamentally damaging to society. when she understands that she might move out of her shimmering cave into reality

but if it wasn’t enough that we had an article about vampire stories, we have an article on vampires themselves
“why we love vampires” the nerve. “we” doesn’t include me that’s for sure.
the article is probably shit. unless you like vampires, in which case you will like it simply because it is about something you like. I just picked up critic right now to read it to comment on it but two paragraphs in and I was already reaching for my cutting kit. not worth my time and not worth yours either

something about the police and something about art. two things I didn’t read and I’d encourage you to do the same

who are these cunts?
why do people partake in this. if I was asked to be in it I’d ask them why they came to visit me in my parents basement. I don’t care about fame and I certainly don’t want to be plublished for anyone to see while saying the dumbest fucking shit.
look at jerome. favorite artist is 50 cent. seriously?
francis. likes coheed and cambria. has a girls name and looks like a girl. nice piercings buddy you look like nsync. is clearly offended at the notion of vampires sparkling, most likely has some (sexual) emotional investment
then we have mitch. what does mitch think the university should do to cut costs? get rid of health sci.. fuck me this guy is an idiot. what the university should do is cut the things that cost it money (or are the least profitable), not cut the biggest cash cow the university has. entire departments exist purely because of health sci. approx 10% of the students at otago take HUBS (if my maths is correct). good one mate nice thinking there.
I’d also like to comment on the the kinds of things that make these people worthwhile human beings… nothing. what do they have to say when asked what would make them consider voting for someone? do they bring up any real issues, or just say the first selfish, idiotic idea they had on their top of their heads. maybe they just don’t take it seriously but that’s the fucking problem.

theres an article hidden at the start of this sassy “magazine” about the cook and liquor licenses. I say hidden because it’s extremely easy to not read those articles at the start because they don’t have fancy titles and try to convey their content in brief simply with a witty statement. wanted to leave this rant to the end of this “article” of mine

anyway this article is interesting for the points it raises, well not quite, but the honesty that has come through
the licensing inspector says “I have always hated the cook-a-thon. I have been trying to figure out… ways to stop it”. it’s interesting because it’s clear from this that if the cook had actually been doing anything illegal he could have stopped it, but it’s clear that they aren’t doing anything illegal and so he is powerless to stop it
it’s funny because it’s like he’s just decided it’s bad and should be stopped but it’s not the law talking it’s his old school ways of banning alcohol and dancing and rock and roll. forcing children onto the street to beg for prostitution because it’s their only outlet for their pent up angst

it mentions that the cook-a-thon has become it’s own thing, like it’s actually a living entity. I still think these people don’t understand the issues and the solutions. well the solutions aren’t clear but the issues are a bit clearer and even clearer are what the issues aren’t. the hyde street keg party is a bit of an insight. what soulless money hungry corporation organises this event? the answer is the key to your problems. see the students like binge drinking. it’s not because bars offer opportunities or that there are twenty bottle stores open. people don’t walk down the street and see a bar open at 10am and think “lets binge drink”.. they plan these things. he mentions that some people get up at 4am and start drinking in preparation. he basically has an issue with how other people are living their own lives. if there wasn’t “official” outlets they’d just do it unofficially. if there was only one bottle store in north dunedin people would still drink the same amount. even if the only bottle store was in south dunedin people would still drink the same, the only thing that would change would be how people got to the store.
if you want to stop binge drinking, you need to ask why do people want to binge drink. not try to cut off their supply.
once again the authorities have no idea that you need to fix the cause not the symptom

why students like to binge drink is probably the high correlation between binge drinking and having a fucking awesome time.

what else is there? nothing.. I disagree with human lefts and don’t understand two of the cartoons in the back. that’s some effort

critic cavern 13/08/09 by ophalm
August 13, 2009, 9:41 pm
Filed under: mockery | Tags: ,


sometimes critic is so bad that ripping the shit out of it is like shooting fish in a barrel. other times it’s so uninspiringly devoid of any thing of any interest – even bad – that ripping the shit out of it is like trying to catch water out of a barrel.. yep

this analogy is beautiful because you’ll see that catching water out of a barrel, while easy, also takes a long time; and is terribly boring as hell to watch

guess which one this weeks was
that is why there is no cavern. but exciting times may come in the future. stand strong

critic cavern 03/08/09 by ophalm
August 3, 2009, 10:19 pm
Filed under: entertainment, student life | Tags: , , , , , ,


holy shit monday again?

it’s not hard to see what I’ve done here. I moved the “shit” up to it’s rightful home, and now the eyes make the 18 look like “is” and the truth is found. I saw an ad in a bookstore window that had a new dan brown book. I think I have just uncovered the plot

every week I slay critic with my massive cock and they keep coming back for more. every week I try to find a witty yet unique way of introducing this fact. the choice this week is to just tell you this instead of trying to hide it or make it subtle

and so what have we? still no colour. actually it’s starting to get depressing and if next week it’s printed on fish n chips stock don’t be surprised, just wonder where the rest of the printing budget is getting funneled

and so this brings us to the edwin/critic/ousa exec drama. I think it’s fair enough to say that no-one that isn’t edwin/critic/ousa exec gives one single fuck. I had nauseatingly noticed recently that critic had been mentioned it, but it’s one of those things you see and promptly ignore. and now edwins column is about it, as with the editorial and as well no doubt something else. it’s just not important. edwin – yes critic lives to undermine you, just as I live to undermine critic. who undermines me? the police

there’s an “interesting” article on page seven. it’s not so much interesting as it is thought provoking. thought provoking in the sense that I wonder why scarfie tv gets 4k to make some “tv”, and then on top of that gets another five hundred for shits and giggles? and I don’t really wonder why they get that money, that’s pretty clear. what I wonder is why I don’t get a single cent from ousa for the efforts of otago massacre? I don’t really want money, but getting some cash to put behind this front for a pcp importing operation would make flaunting the law so much easier and risk free. I reckon about $20 a month for advertising, $50 a year for a proper url and maybe $40 a month to pay people to consistently write shit, for 9 months it would come to $590 and round it up to $600 and then wouldn’t this be a tidy operation? why isn’t it happening? is it because I haven’t investigated it or asked ousa or even know anything about asking ousa for money or who they give it to? yes that is it.

power companies are like a serrated rod that gets thrust deeper and deeper into your colon every year. this article raises a point. well it makes a statement. but beyond that what’s the solution to higher power bills? terrorism

well I think the whole ebook thing is worth thinking about. mainly because the music industry has done a terrible fucking job of dealing with the digitalisation of music, it’s going to be interesting to see how this happens with print. I think the kindle in theory is a decent idea. never used one though, and it does seem expensive, and the whole 1984 thing is pretty funny if not a bit scary and extremely ironic. I just hope that ebooks end up (sooner rather than later) in some format that isn’t proprietary. that’s all I give a shit about.
what’s this quote? there is a hint of pity here, it sort of implies that it is ok to feel sorry for murdoch because his companies profits fell 47%.. as far as I know that doesn’t mean that they made a loss, and making a loss would be the only thing news corp could do that would could ever be good. they are a terrible corporation and murdoch is a very evil man. the extent of news corps reach into the operation of the world is truly scary given murdochs approach to the world..

have I ever mentioned that human lefts is the only consistently decent column in critic? I don’t think I have but I think it’s about time

bunch of fives
whos this? god I was mean before. what an asshole. truth is she was attractive to me probably

critic cavern 30/07/09 by ophalm
July 30, 2009, 10:38 pm
Filed under: horrible, student life | Tags: , , , ,


well jizz in my eye it’s another week of critic mayhem. sorry I’m a bit late, unlike most of the internet I have a life, with things to achieve and people to look after, and unlike some people I put my internet responsibilities down the list. don’t want to end up 40 and divorced because I left my partner for my WoW team mate do I?

this cover is te meke! you should all learn maori I think. I had one entire lecture on pronunciation and another lecture by a really fat maori guy about how it’s our duty as health professionals to make sure maori are healthier. the irony is something I love but as far as racism goes I’m not really racist I was just stating what happened

another week another tragedy of print. the brazilian wax job has moved from the last page to the front. something about the ad just hints (reeks) of tactless porn. “free brazilian” just is not appealing unless you’re a penny pinching slut sorry. maybe get rid of the girl and make the ad less blatant. at least it’s a welcome distraction from the editorial.

why is juicy colourless? why is it not called juicy? why do they make references to old magazines that have already been used as cat litter? these are all good questions but critic don’t give a fuck.

this weatherston case. apparently a lot of people care about this, or at least have some sort of morbid interest. probably because it has something to do with the university. personally, I just don’t care. I mean, I care in general that murderers go to jail, but I just have nothing to say or to add. if someone wants to write up some opinionated diatribe about it they are more than welcome but I’m not touching that shit unless I get either a) good money or b) there is some obvious joke to be made

so our (least) favorite mayor peter chin has fucked us over once again. I’ve never taken the bus and in my home town of christchurch many years ago I made an uninformed decision to never ever use public transportation. this is not at all relevant to the fact that the dcc fucked out the bus system and now you carless hobos have even less ability to get anywhere

and so not only is it maori week but also jesus week
I used to be a christian. >10 years to be vague. I also didn’t just backslide out of the fold but made a lot of discovers and learnt a lot of lessons over a long period of time. the majority of people who write or comment about christianity in a negative light don’t know shit to be honest. smart christians (while rare) are in general smarter and have thought more about their faith than you give them credit. the guy who wrote this sits firmly in the smarter group of christians. you can tell this by the fact that he doesn’t actually mention anything of any value. he basically says “yeah some christians are hypocrites but” and so you go away thinking “hmm maybe he’s different” but years of intellectual assault from university smart people means he has had to find a way to start conversations without causing uncontrollable eye rolling.
but just like intelligent design, the deeper you dig the shallower the theory.
“after 2000 years people are still talking about jesus” and after 1500 years people are still talking about muhammed and >3000 years people are talking about abraham and >3000 years people have been using ayurvedic and I don’t get the point. religion was evolutionarily succesful because it explained a lot when there was no other explanation. christianity and abrahamic religions in general were revolutionary. their success is not surprising. but also not surprising either is the amount of contradictions, inconsistencies or lack of evidence.


so it’s come to common knowledge that smacking is the key to raising the next weatherston (so what if I went back on my word)
to be completely honest I had forgotten this whole smacking thing actually went through in the first place. that sounds ultra retarded but when I think about it I realise that apart from the bitching and moaning that happened in the first place, nothing bad has happened. I was all into smacking because I was smacked as a child and also due to my christianity I was into smacking (it’s in the bible, read it for yourself).. not once did I really consider evidence in my crazy pro smacking rants I had with peers but now today is a different day and evidence is something I feel strongly about.
not enough of that article is about the psychological effects of smacking. I feel (and this has no basis whatsoever) that the simple nation wide discussion of the topic has made people a lot more aware. I don’t know if smacking should be illegal but I’m not much of a black and white kind of guy, and smacking does have a legitimate place. not as a form of correction so much but I’d rather smack my child and prevent him running onto the road than have him run onto the road. but as far as I understand the current anti-smacking law as it stands allows for that. so what’s the problem?
the problem is that people want it to be their right to smack children as much as they want without any potential repercussions.
the other thing I find interesting about this mass debate is the whole smacking=hitting thing. anti smackers say “hitting a child isn’t bad” but pro smackers say “smacking is a valid form of discipline” and I know different words don’t change anything but if I smack my partner on the ass during sex would they say I hit my partner? that is the question people don’t avoid it

man this is getting depressing isn’t it. all this serious bullshit has to end. but critic has nothing more to offer. well technically in some “information theory” way it does but as far as stuff you and me want to read – nothing. what are we gonna do? nothing. why has this become such a negative episode? blame amy

critic cavern 14/07/09 by ophalm


I actually came across this by accident this week. I intended to pick it up from somewhere else, but I saw it while marching to the toilet before my 9am lecture. I didn’t know it circulated this widely but lessons can be learnt any day but sunday and that’s not today.

it’s really quite tempting to say something about the cover. to make a comment about the article of internet memes. it really infuriates me so much, on so many different levels for so many different reasons that I’m afraid I can’t make comment because I know I won’t be able to do my absolute hatred justice

so they’re renaming re-o week to take two. “a rose by any other name is still a rose” is a famous quote which, while it hits the nail on the head, fails to describe the depth of the situation. see whether otago likes it or not, it’s reputation is drunken parties. degrees come a distant second I’m sorry. the drug of the nation is being consumed at an ever increasing rate and the only thing to do is to join it. renaming it won’t have prevented the castle street keg party last night, and it won’t prevent first years from losing their date-rape virginities either. effort in a different way… maybe?

but what about the rest of the magazine? it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I said that in the last post but maybe it’s getting through to you. see some of the columns are new! fantastic I can hear the angels singing.

there’s an obsessive compulsive “red shoes diary” fan who writes for a column called “AV’S SWEET” and it’s name is emma tate. she likes tv. waaay to much apparently. not smart enough to download tv though, just stream it, and not smart enough to write a column worth reading. anyone who has enough time to watch the shit she gloats about doesn’t deserve my time nor my semen

“what maketh the man?” by kavi chetty. an article about moustaches. I’m gonna call his bluff and say that he wrote this article purely from a perspective of admiration for something retro, but without actually having the balls to do anything about it. does kavi have a moustache? I’m betting no, and if I’m right then I’m also right about his propensity for touching other men’s scrotums. personally I have a moustache. in a technical sense anyway.

“oooh snap!” I am so glad the unitards have some kind of extra outlet on top of facebook for posting pictures of themselves drunk. “hey look at me I’m contributing to the nation’s disgrace, can’t you see I’m drunk!”

there was a higher than normal proportion of articles about murder and fighting and death and punching and all things that seem horrible. I guess it’s good that there is information getting out there, but where are the outlets for the anger built up from finals?

page 55 have a nice wee third page ad about brazilian waxes just below a nerd article. who plans this magazine? the pirate bay going “legit” is an interesting concept, although what affect it will have on the greater torrent community is uncertain. I know that most people are moving away from the public sites (pirate bay, mininova etc) to private and even secret trackers. harder to get stung. personally I’m surprised NZ doesn’t have it’s own one, it’s about time. everyone knows that copyright holds the public back and that’s it’s only real goal is to increase the wealth gap between the rich and the poor! the only war is class war my friend. so who wants to come with me to get a brazilian?

and there you go. another week down