otago massacre


news watch 25/05/09 by ophalm
May 25, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,

posted by ophalm

just before doing the recycling like the amazing citizen than I am, I realised I had not read – and consequently destroyed – the paper. either the star or d scene. I’d tackle the ODT but critic apparently has a (shitty) monopoly on that, and that would require spending funds on it. if you want to buy it for me, you’re welcome of course

robroy
buy from the rob roy dairy so they can afford to buy more ads please

baldwin1
apparently people like to urinate all up and down baldwin street, and in fact this guy here was caught defecating near the top. when questioned, he told the police he was trying to have a “turd race”.. wtf? seriously need more than one turd to have a race

baldwin2
and then this old guy complains about students getting killed! I mean, my heart goes out to the students who died here 8 years ago playing a wicked drunken stunt, but he is offended and not at all proud. if you didn’t want to be a life saver mate maybe you should have lived in a different house mate.

rapmetal
this old guy apparently is having something to do with getting in bands etc for the new stadium. but because it’s so ridiculously big, they can’t have anyone, only people like elton john.. elton john in dunedin? maybe, but look at what he said, rap and metal out of the question? you’ve lost me. you’ve lost me as a patron for good

mess1
this is from d scene. they go around on the weekend taking photos of drunks and ask them for quotes. but mainly, how terrible is their printing? I look at them and think “something is wrong, oh it’s shittily printed”. why is that acceptable?
take these two sluts for example
mess2
I only assume they are sluts due to their makeup, going so far as to put blue eyeliner in their eyes! well maybe, or perhaps d scene has terrible terrible printing presses, my god this is apalling
that said, they could be still be sluts..

and then there is this

teethwhite

compulsory face stretching


if I was making an ad to do with superficial physical appearance, I’d keep my basic proportions, in proportion



Think by criticalwat
May 6, 2009, 6:00 pm
Filed under: horrible | Tags: ,

posted by criticalwat

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/2388943/Exorcism-weapon-against-the-demon

Ripped from the headlines this one is. Honestly I’m pretty pissed off at the moment at the sheer stupidity of this so I should be writing this later but I really want to write it now.

I respect someones right to practice their faith but when you are standing around in a circle and a 14 year girl is getting water poured into her eye by some guy rambling about demons, everyone else there should have shown a bit of  “common” sense and said “This is sick” then refused to allow it.

I don’t know if this kind of mob mentality can ever be fixed or if its just something hardwired in everyone but at the very least schools and social programs should be moving away from military bootcamps and towards encouraging people to think for themselves.



best ways to die in dunedin III by ophalm
April 22, 2009, 10:10 pm
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

it’s been said that you can only die once. this was stated as fact by a medical professional so it’s not just hearsay either. and with this is mind, we ask ourselves why choosing death is so far down on people’s goals for life (usually). but here I am trying to bring death back, make it more fashionable than when james dean died of death related causes. and here is one of the more glamourous and kind ways to die

being sent a fatal amount of valentine’s day teddy bears from amy joseph

picphp

not even sure is this is even aj, but a quick internet search reveals this to be a facebook picture of someone with the same name and relevant details. god bless the internet

as unlikely as you’d imagine this to be, it’s actually a common occurrence and spoken about around many a campfire all new zealand christian camps. I hear she buys them from a large range of shops, not alerting shop owners to her large purchases and consequently not gaining the label of “bear shopper”.
the manner in which the bears kill is largely unknown even to the police who examined the scene, as the only evidence found were a number of teddy bears with a lethality matched only by home and away brand generic “drugs”. it’s claimed the bears were delivered by courier and that the victims were required to sign, and what appeared to be an electronic signing box with poor signature recognition was really a death certificate but for the victims at the time this was unknown.

the main problem with this form of death isn’t the delicious and cuddly way of dying itself, but how to get this arranged. the specific array of bears isn’t just made up and I haven’t even found the method on the internet, only the lovely aj knows..
so I guess the first step you’d wanna take is being her boyfriend – or convincing her to take you as her girlfriend if the case may be. and doing this in time for valentines day. and not telling her your motive, because I mean, I’d be personally insulted if someone asked me out because they wanted to die..

only once a year people, only one very lucky person a year



the best ways to die in dunedin II by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, terrible fiction | Tags: , , , , ,

posted by ophalm

once again death blows it’s stinking odour in our general direction. but what if we could make that stench appealing? what if dying in dunedin could be fun and entertaining? no what ifs needed my friends, because the time is here
one thing that’s amazing about death is simply the vast array of choices you have! here are but some

freefall suicide from the richardson building

blue skies mean joyful deaths

blue skies mean joyful deaths

why the richardson building? why not jump to your death off something more interesting? well lets be honest what is more interesting that jumping off of a building with the nickname of “dick”?
if we are truly being honest many things are more interesting and maybe this is what makes jumping off the richardson building such an attractive way to die. it’s humble. pride is a terrible sin and humility is a virtue all but lost in our terrible society. suiciding from the RB brings a smile to a child’s face and a tear to a grandma’s eye. how much are these things worth? they can’t be paid for in money that’s for sure – only in integer values of human lives.

cutting the brake system in boy racer’s cars

ok I’ve turned the notion on it’s head, because the death here is the third person, not the first person, but that’s ok because it’s boy racers that are dying

lets pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

let us pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

this is lovely because this can be applied in any city in the world. see boy racers are terrible. by definition. if a boy racer isn’t a terrible person, well then they’re not a boy racer.
what we’d like to see done here is sabotage. boy racers often have jobs which they need in order to pay off their ridiculous loans, so they can’t be driving all the time. you need to get under the car and using some tools break the relevant part of the brakes that stops them from dying.
next thing you know, the boy racer is driving (probably excessively in some manner) along and wants to stop but he can’t and if by sheer luck you happen to see this you’ll be filled with joy as you watch his face in shock as his car ploughs into a powerpole and his head is destroyed against the wind screen.
some family members may cry and maybe even the girl he got pregnant after high school cries too. but you can’t win without losing and every time a boy racer dies the universe wins



today is a terrible day to die by ophalm
March 3, 2009, 7:30 am
Filed under: dunedin, philosophy | Tags: ,
the sun is a nuclear furnace

the sun is a nuclear furnace

with such a lovely start to the day, why would you want for today to be the day you died? a few days ago the weather was shit, hence a good day for termination



the best ways to die in dunedin I by ophalm
February 19, 2009, 1:00 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

they say that nothing is certain in life but death and taxes – but I wonder if aids children in africa have to pay aids tax?

but death is surely sure and now is as good of a time as any to discuss how we’re gonna plan your death.

now dunedin is a good spot for mortality, and if you choose this as your final place may we recommend some scenarios.

stabbed by mayor peter chin

he will thrust so gently with his dagger

he will thrust so gently with his "dagger"

it may come as a surprise but dunedin’s mayor, peter chin runs a funeral service – in that he gives them a reason to exist. being stabbed to death though by M.P.C. is not cheap feat. I hear that if you have to ask just how much, you can’t afford it

 

being dealt strychnine laced mdma pills from marc ellis

such a sweet delightful death it will be

such a sweet delightful death it will be

typically when people think of mdma (ecstasy) people think of life changing – best time of my life – experiences. not today. just as you think you’re about to come up you’ll move into muscular convulsions and die through asphyxia or sheer exhaustion. people will think you’re an awesome dancer but you’ll actually be dying a slow death