otago massacre

you’re probably a computer failure by mrobotham


I’m here to set you straight on a few things. see, I’m somewhat of a legend when it comes to computers and so when I see 99% of students using their computers I get personally offended by just how terribly people use them. it’s not entirely their faults, modern operating systems do far more than most people need and therefore make it far easier to fuck up than it should be. I keep my operating system running like a finely tuned ferrari whilst others retain a tractor like quality.

what your computer deserves

it’s far too hard to try to explain how people should really use their computers because if you’re not into them there is simply far too much to get your head around as to why you would even need to do some things. that and people are terrified of change (losers in other words). so I’ve got some handy tips which might make your life a bit better

use dropbox.. why? it’s 2gb of free online storage which is cool in of itself, but it also has a program that automatically syncs it with a folder on your computer.. what does this mean? you have a folder on your computer called “MyDropBox” and anything you put in there is automatically uploaded to the internet. this is where all you morons should save all your important files like essays and shit so that when your computer dies it’s all still available on the internet. backups without thinking. it also retains old versions in case you fuck up.. what makes this program extra special though is that if you install it on two (or more) computers and use the same account, it links them. save a file on one computer, it uploads to the internet and then automatically downloads to the other computer, keeping it all in sync. it’s perfect for retards such as yourselves

and also before when I said handy “tips” I meant “tip”

fuck you

my acceptance post by ophalm
October 12, 2009, 12:59 pm
Filed under: entertainment, student life, uni | Tags: ,


I know you don’t really read critic anymore, but if you did you may have noticed that I (and this site) got nominated for “New Zelander of the Year”. not that I have a fucking clue what a new zelander is but I guess it’s meant to be some sort of privilege, even if the other candidates are probably space aliens I can still accept cheap digs as some sort of weak sauce compliment

and they’re dead on the money. I do strike fear into the crotches of the critic team and it is true that I ran out of material very early on and resorted to ripping the shit out of ads for old people’s house appliances that are likely to kill their owners.
but thats life and I don’t get paid for this shit and mostly I’m afraid that if I did get paid I’d have to compromise on my insightful slice of modern university life and that’s not what I’m about anymore. I once was, but that dude took it too far and even after saying the safe word he still penetrated deeper. I have a scar and now it aches every time I sit down and so it literally hurts in my butte to type these things out.


two members of the critic team. I'm so proud of you guys

so “thanks” and maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get inappropriately touched next year too

Undie bloody Five Hundy by machinegunjoe
September 19, 2009, 6:19 am
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, otago, student life | Tags: , ,


Yes if your not sick of it already here is one more rant about it.

1 – Peter Chin is a dick. “I hope it snows on the Northern Motorway so the cars cant get through” Did the good people of Dunedin actually elect this muppet who like to throw his toys?

2 – Leave the Police alone. They are just trying to do there job, bet you where glad when they arrested that guy who broke into you’re flat earlier in the year. Admittedly they could do a review of how they handled it this year but it was better than in 2008.

Unfortunately it seems to be a mob mentality of Police in riot gear = throw bottles etc. at them. WHY?!?

3 – Canterbury students, they get more enjoyment through decorating the cars and driving than the fires and rioting. They don’t cause it.

4 – Otago students, as one letting into the paper today stated, “congratulations to the 19,900 students who didn’t get arrested or in trouble” Why pray tell has a minority got the rest of the uni by the balls?

Now that I have bored you with what everyone else is saying its time for something completely different…. Solutions! Look at the bright side, you have a ready built crowd of young people practically begging for something to do. Is it just me of is this a heaven sent marketing opportunity? You don’t even have to advertise it very hard.

There was another letter in the paper today that was along the same sort of vein. Put on a gig, get some bands to play. I would hazard a guess and say that there is some small bands in the music department that would love the chance to play. If the University can use them for a crappy TV ad I’m sure they can put there music skills to better use, entertainment of the masses or such like. There is real potential to turn the Undie500 into a really cool festival that can be managed and, dare I say it, a profit to be had too…

Perhaps I am just a capitalist who sees dollar signs or perhaps the Dunedin City Council just lacks imagination and a little bit of flare to cope with problems that aren’t in the textbook.

an article about the undie by ophalm
September 17, 2009, 10:32 am
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, student life, uni | Tags: , , , ,

hobo peterson

ed – this particular hobo peterson hails from canterbury

I heard there was a riot or something, people got a good old fashioned beat down, some white kids did a Haka, some blow-hards blew-hard about it on T.V., but this article isn’t about any of that. This year I didn’t go on the Undie but have in previous years, maybe I am getting too old or whatever, too out of touch with the kids of today, or maybe I just prefer to get out of it rather than get into it. However, one thing I do know about is advertising, marketing and all that business stuff (You can visit me on the third floor of the commerce building if you like, that’s where the management post-grads hang out, maybe we could be friends and add each other on Facebook, comment on each other status updates, join each others Mafias on MafiaWars and so on, but I digress.)

At my time at Uni one thing that I have always enjoyed about the Undie is definitely the effort put into decorating the cars, especially cars that fall into the genre of ‘politically incorrect’. I don’t really buy into PC vs UN-PC discussion, but I do enjoy jokes that are offensive and in your face, or just plain funny, in past years the Undie has always delivered on this. However, this year as I watched the cars/vans line up in the arts car park I noticed that they went through a rigours screening process and anything that was remotely offensive was ushered off to a secret location to be altered before being allowed into the main procession.


I wonder what was covered up here and for what reason?


what lies behind the blue paint, could it be a swear word that may offend?


: this guy lost his penis, is that ironic? Its like ten thousand dongs when all you need is a cunt



One example I saw was the Mountain JEW car that featured an Israeli flag; it was taken off them, and also the J had to be changed into a D, ruining the joke. Whereas ‘incestuous bastards’ had some things taken off them (Josef Fritz was blanked out) but the swastikas on the wheels were kept. Also the O.S.H. van standing for Occupational Shit Heads had to remove the word ‘shit’ from their van, thus ruining the theme. I’m sure if you were there you saw countless other examples of this wicked good censorship. This brings me to my first question:

Q. What is more offensive to you: Mountain Jew with an Israeli flag or Incestuous Basterds with swastikas?

What is up with the bullshit censorship within the Undie, why would a cultural event such as this (albeit a student drinking culture is a pretty shitty culture to be honest, at least it’s better than the Indians, that culture sucks) need to be censored in this manner? This brings me to my second question for you the reader:

Q. Is the Undie 500 event an authentic student event if the students themselves are censored before being allowed to take part in the event?

When it comes to censorship, it usually lies with either uptight nanas or corporate sponsors. In this case I think the people to blame are definitely the sponsors of the event, I don’t know 100% who was behind censoring the vans, in fact I have done no research at all into this other that watching it happen. But I doubt it was ENSOC (they’re cool), I believe it was either Demon Energy Drink or THE ROCK FM ™.

I decided to have a look into this, so after a bit of internet detectivery I have discovered that Demon Energy Drink that sponsored the event have pulled all references of the Undie off their website. (NERDS ONLY: It’s still there in the Google cache though, go wild). Could it be that Demon whose tagline is “Live with no regrets. No Limits – No Laws!!!” is trying to distance themselves from the people that are seemingly doing just that? My prognosis – Student culture has been co-opted by a corporate entity and sold back to the youth, but when the going gets tough (i.e. negative publicity through riots may negatively effect the Demon brand) Demon is a bunch of “rational businessmen” and tries to erase all possible links between the two. Third question for the reader:

Q. Is it okay for a company to mimic aspects of youth culture in an effort to sell more units to that youth culture?

This is not the first time Demon have tried to ‘be cool’ to sell more units to ‘the kids’. Demon Energy Drink Limited also owns Illicit Cola that have been piggy backing off the Illicit Clothing Brand. By stealing their name and artistic style to give their cola the alternative edge through hijacking what the clothing brand has build up over 12 years, in this case a strong underground/alternative/cool image. You can look this shit up on the internet if you want, that was just as summary of the lame-ness of Demon. In closing Demon Energy = phony marketing guys trying to make a quick buck by copying what is cool at the time. Don’t fall for it they aren’t the real deal ™. In the same way Illicit (the drink) has hijacked Illicit (the clothing), Demon has tried to latch onto the Undie, Demon Energy is like your when your little sister claimed to absolutely love punk music especially true punks like Good Charlotte and SUM 41.

BONUS: For a laugh read the side of a Demon or Illicit cola can, some of the worst marketing copy (copy is what advertisers call the word bits of an advertisement/packaging) ever. Except for maybe Ink or Relentless, that’s pretty bad too.

As for the THE ROCK FM ™ they are just happy to put THE ROCK FM ™ bumper stickers on your van as to increase the exposure of their brand. For fun check out the non-riot pictures of the Undie on news websites, chances are there is a THE ROCK FM ™ logo somewhere. the THE ROCK FM ™ website also does not have any mention of the Undie on their website, however a couple of years back they did run a similar event named ‘THE UNDIE 500’ in Auckland where listeners of the radio station ran around in their underwear touching each other or something equally homosexual. No mention of that is on their website either. Is it acceptable for a corporate entity to take the name ‘Undie 500’ and use it for their own purposes, who owns the name ‘Undie 500’ is it you (the student)?

Q. Is it acceptable for corporate interests to censor a cultural event in exchange for sponsoring it, if without sponsorship that event would probably not take place?

By the time this goes to print you have probably seen the Undie on the news countless times, and a lot of talk in the media about banning this or students-at-fault that or what ever. At the end of it, do you care? Adults create the world children live in. Juvenile delinquency is always rooted in adult delinquency. Ain’t no politician gonna tell me how I’m going to live my life!!! (But a marketer might).

note: hobo peterson is the random from the internet. you too could be hobo peterson if you want

news watch 10/08/09 by ophalm


news8just when you thought life couldn’t get more mad this happens. widen understanding huh? at the end of the day though you have two mutually exclusive religions. you can teach tolerance in the sense that one will “tolerate” the other but is that good enough? where is the atheism stand in the middle offering the rational alternative? nope buddy

newas8somehow these people are retarded yet look normal and can speak in formed sentences

news6it took me a while to understand what the fuck this ad was trying to say. what was I missing? tv that’s what. it fucks me off that it assumes that a) I watch tv and b) watch some shit hospital show. thanks to this ad powershop I will never give you sweet $$

news5there are few things that truly call for alarm but this fits the bill

news4no fucking shit. most obvious blatant advice ever

news3haha this seems upon first glances to be an ad for kindy but closer inspection reveals its child prostituting ways

news1a closer look:
“to unfurl the body is to enable the body to strengthen, straighten and evolve to its optimum potential”.. god I hope that people read that and realise what bullshit it is. the body itself will evolve to it’s own potential, all you need to do is unfurl.. maybe it’s this kind of shit that caused the economic crisis?

critic cavern 03/08/09 by ophalm
August 3, 2009, 10:19 pm
Filed under: entertainment, student life | Tags: , , , , , ,


holy shit monday again?

it’s not hard to see what I’ve done here. I moved the “shit” up to it’s rightful home, and now the eyes make the 18 look like “is” and the truth is found. I saw an ad in a bookstore window that had a new dan brown book. I think I have just uncovered the plot

every week I slay critic with my massive cock and they keep coming back for more. every week I try to find a witty yet unique way of introducing this fact. the choice this week is to just tell you this instead of trying to hide it or make it subtle

and so what have we? still no colour. actually it’s starting to get depressing and if next week it’s printed on fish n chips stock don’t be surprised, just wonder where the rest of the printing budget is getting funneled

and so this brings us to the edwin/critic/ousa exec drama. I think it’s fair enough to say that no-one that isn’t edwin/critic/ousa exec gives one single fuck. I had nauseatingly noticed recently that critic had been mentioned it, but it’s one of those things you see and promptly ignore. and now edwins column is about it, as with the editorial and as well no doubt something else. it’s just not important. edwin – yes critic lives to undermine you, just as I live to undermine critic. who undermines me? the police

there’s an “interesting” article on page seven. it’s not so much interesting as it is thought provoking. thought provoking in the sense that I wonder why scarfie tv gets 4k to make some “tv”, and then on top of that gets another five hundred for shits and giggles? and I don’t really wonder why they get that money, that’s pretty clear. what I wonder is why I don’t get a single cent from ousa for the efforts of otago massacre? I don’t really want money, but getting some cash to put behind this front for a pcp importing operation would make flaunting the law so much easier and risk free. I reckon about $20 a month for advertising, $50 a year for a proper url and maybe $40 a month to pay people to consistently write shit, for 9 months it would come to $590 and round it up to $600 and then wouldn’t this be a tidy operation? why isn’t it happening? is it because I haven’t investigated it or asked ousa or even know anything about asking ousa for money or who they give it to? yes that is it.

power companies are like a serrated rod that gets thrust deeper and deeper into your colon every year. this article raises a point. well it makes a statement. but beyond that what’s the solution to higher power bills? terrorism

well I think the whole ebook thing is worth thinking about. mainly because the music industry has done a terrible fucking job of dealing with the digitalisation of music, it’s going to be interesting to see how this happens with print. I think the kindle in theory is a decent idea. never used one though, and it does seem expensive, and the whole 1984 thing is pretty funny if not a bit scary and extremely ironic. I just hope that ebooks end up (sooner rather than later) in some format that isn’t proprietary. that’s all I give a shit about.
what’s this quote? there is a hint of pity here, it sort of implies that it is ok to feel sorry for murdoch because his companies profits fell 47%.. as far as I know that doesn’t mean that they made a loss, and making a loss would be the only thing news corp could do that would could ever be good. they are a terrible corporation and murdoch is a very evil man. the extent of news corps reach into the operation of the world is truly scary given murdochs approach to the world..

have I ever mentioned that human lefts is the only consistently decent column in critic? I don’t think I have but I think it’s about time

bunch of fives
whos this? god I was mean before. what an asshole. truth is she was attractive to me probably

critic cavern 23/07/09 by ophalm


well what the shit we have another critic. I’m pretty stoked personally to have found out that the deliver critic as far as the big medical school building. this way I can get my dose of critic a few minutes earlier

and what a dose
what’s happened to all the money? because when I read juicy I expect colours, not this old timey black and white casablanca bullshit that my parents had to put up with
when I looked at it, my first thought was “budget” and my next move was turning the page

on the facing page we find out that a surveying student dies, a real shame. was he drunk when he fell into the water? “it appears he became disoriented before falling into the harbour”. it certainly seems like he was, he had left a 21st. now I don’t think this guy is to blame, my beef is with the lack of mention of alcohol. imagine if there was any evidence that he was on any other drug, “p kills surveying student” or “survey shows surveyor died of cannabis!” it just pisses me off the double standards for alcohol vs recreational drugs. I don’t want to hate on alcohol, but it causes more issues than all other drugs combined; and when it appears fundamental to the death of a promising individual and it’s not even mentioned (knowing full well other drugs would be mentioned if they were involved instead) it just pisses me off. I think it’s a conspiracy theory run by the speights corporation to keep the nation enslaved and sorry I’m not open to any evidence to the contrary


I can't think of many cooler graffitis than the word yeast. microbiology, vaginal infections. I do love fungus and anyone who graffitis fungus related things is a-ok in my book

“shocking revelations” about the state of student housing. I feel the word “revelation” is a bit over the top, seriously no one was under any false impressions of the state of student housing in otago? even the “get over it” campaign knows this, and when advertising campaigns are aware of things, only retard rockers don’t. anyway it’s an interesting article, I can’t tell if they are trying to blame students or landlords. they are just saying that shit sucks really. the students lap it up though. first years get a chance to have decent first hand experience of castle street before vying for the flats next year, it’s not like they are conned into shit. they made their bed and now they’re sleeping in it what is the problem?

you know there are a lot of words in this critic. not enough pictures and not enough colours and too many words

just look:
* why should ousa not rush into supporting the stadium?
* laffin’ it up in dunedin
* making a buck out of other people’s bad luck
* rioting with reason: forty years on from the stonewall riots
*a kiwi comic book hero

all in a row. I realise magazines are to provide content but geez. I read the start of three of them. that’s a pretty good effort for me
I have to say that I don’t get the article on comedians. is it mocking them or celebrating them? it’s kinda doing both – poorly. the one about war seems promising. it’s the kind of article I think other people should read, but wouldn’t read myself.. does that make me a hypocrite or simply a wise mentor?
stonewall riots is all about the gay agenda. god bless lsd for unleashing a generation from under the power of authority. but authority made awesome experiences illegal in order to steal back their reign of terror. thankfully it has never quite gotten back to where it was, but “brave new world” style distraction certainly has society tied down in a totally different way, maybe not as bad but certainly more subversive. I see it in other students, it makes me sad, that people don’t care much and that the media has sort of implied that fighting for things is pointless please just sit back and enjoy the ride. I could go on but I don’t think I know what I’m talking about
something about comic books. I don’t get comics. they are extremely unsatisfying and I kinda like the concept of x-men but reading a comic of it sucks. I have to walk past a comic book store every day to uni, and I hardly ever see anyone in there and it kind of makes me sad because I don’t like seeing businesses failing, but that is just a presumption and it is a shit time economically and I just wonder why people do things like that. I’ve seen some of the staff, and they look way too “trendy” and “cool” and certainly look like they think they’re cool enough for modaks but I don’t buy it and sorry comics don’t appeal. thats my opinion about that article

what is the point of bunch of fives? community? an attempt to provide realism? is it the magazine equivalent of reality tv?
it doesn’t make sense. it would be nice if they told us what the questions they asked were. who edits this magazine?

and the rest goes on and on and on. the most interesting thing in the second entire half of the magazine is the second half of the letters which are placed right at the end. there is a charming wee letter about the code of conduct. I don’t know fuck all about the code but this person is asking a ridiculous request, an infringement on other people’s lives and is the equivalent of going to church and the minister telling you that you had to go straight home after church and couldn’t hang around with other people.
CoC lover your name says it all

van wilder freshman year -> bag of shit by ophalm
July 20, 2009, 9:36 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible | Tags: ,


I’m so kind to all of you that I watch the horrible hits the hollywood shits out to take your precious dollar. only you’d be a sucker if you actually paid for this, only the bourgeois pay for media, we proletariat download like any real person should


you get to see that girl's boobies later on

so national lampoons van wilder came out a number of years ago, ryan reynolds starred in this “epic” movie about a college party boy who is the life of the school. never mind the stereotype enforcing rampant throughout the film, which is alleviated when kumar slides off a bed and someone takes a shit in a bucket
rated a cockamamie 18/100 at rt

and because it wasn’t awesome enough they made van wilder two the rise of taj. taj being kumar. this movie was simply ass; filmed in london, it was the same as van wilder but different – and substaintally worse in almost every possible way
rated a whopping 8/100 at rt

and because the whore of a franchise that it is hasn’t been raped enough, it’s time to release a third; only this time it’s different. it’s actually van wilder again, but somehow this is his first year at “college”, which would lead to the reasonable conclusion that this was a prequel. I don’t think it was. it was very ambiguous on that topic actually, never once breached.


is that semen?

so what’s this “film” about? well I’ve already told you everything you need to know. van wilder, whoever the fuck he is, goes to americas top party school… but that was back in the 70s and now the army runs the school, and doesn’t allow drinking or kissing. christianity/catholicism has infested the school and when he gets there it’s time to shake some cages.


beach party on campus? here's van himself and the army brat girl he won for no good reason

there is
* stereotypical stoner with rasta accent
* asian who likes boobies, and speaks stereotypical crap english “I rike boobies on butt!”
* asian guy at one stage is swamped by girls but ends up with another asian hottie
* asian hottie poses as stereotypical asian masseuse-cum-whore who covers a penis in peanut butter and a dogs licks it off
* said dog has testicles the size of grapefruit
* dog eats pound of cannabis and gets stoned and shits on floor
* army brats smear their faces with dogshit (complete with corn) face paint, and one licks it off his hands
* army brat girl dumps army brat guy for van wilder
* van wilder ends up being framed by catholic slut and appears to be cheating on army brat girl
* van wilders dad imports metric shittons of sand and turns army wargames into florida style spring break
* someone gives van wilder a blowjob while giving a speech
* lots of exposed boobies – all gratuitous
* condom belt
* water canister is swapped for alcoholic one, producing instant ecstasy like effects in army fools
* gay anal penetration while two army guys tied up to tree
* girl on girl kissing, described as “hot” numerous times
* fat army guy masturbating to gun magazine


just when it couldn't get classier, they hide under a girls bed to catch her dildo after she's finished having a mast

somehow all this and more manages to find it’s way into the movie. as immature as it is, it’s actually better than the rise of taj, but only because it’s once funny. and as I get older, the rampant stereotype enforcing I see in this kind of movie alarms me more and more. how many 16 year olds are going to watch this (11 year olds more like it) and think that as soon as you leave college that it’s only partying, that university is just like high school, that all girls are thin, pubeless, love to get their tits out, love to kiss other girls and want to have sex with anyone. the sad thing is that girls must watch this and think that this is what girls have to do when they get older. literally there is one time during van wilder’s commendering of the sex ed class he shows two girls kissing up the front and says “now this is hot”. sure it’s just a stupid joke, but is it? do people watch this and subconsciously think that is hot, and it’s expected by boys and girls? I don’t know I don’t do psychology but I’m not a retard


nothing spells "oscar material" like a bull dog licking crotch

so there you have it. a shit movie with questionable motives and subconscious scarring fruit. normally I wouldn’t review a movie, it’s a topic that is boring unless the movie is so shit it warrented. have fun cocks!

rated an official otago massacre bogus

news watch 16/07/2009 by ophalm
July 16, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, otago | Tags: , , , , , , , ,


so it goes. the newspaper comes into the mailbox and I put it straight in the recycling. after it had collected for maybe two weeks I decided to have a comb through it for the shit it no doubt contains. it’s like trying to find a black bear in a hay stack. the only problem is, is that the shit is stale as fuck. despite going through about seven papers, I only have a small selection of things to educate you about.
is it because my cat shit in my office for the third time this morning? that’s not the cause, but it true and very generous of her. it’s because the papers contain the same shit week after week, the ads hardly change, the articles are about the same garbage as ever.. the more things change the more they stay the same. I never understood that saying much when I was younger but I think as you age gracefully, you realise it’s depth.
anyway, there was something to point out in the mailbox:


this is from one of those “what’s happening around town” things in D Scene. some people are at the beach. I call them the “beach dicks” and the guys are especially fruity and it just says “look at us, we’re standing here” and little else. I wonder if they kept that copy of D Scene to show to their friends?


as we should all know, debt is only really a useful tool if it’s for some sort of investment. read the box.. who does that sound like? what have I told you about boy racers? worthless, and now confirmed in debt


this is a touching story of a woman who lost her job, is on the unemployment benefit and struggles to pay for electricity to stay warm. there is a recession god knows some people are seriously struggling, but maybe you would be warmer if you didn’t dress with so much exposed skin? admittedly her shoulder is turning me on but that should be the least of her worries


here come into our fine establishment… you can gamble!


thankyou thankyou michael for relieving us of our suffering. mj dies and the world cries.. all of a sudden people who mocked him for being weird were all “remember him for his great music”.. I don’t think pop music is respectable and he was kind of a clown so I don’t think he’ll be missed


there’s no stopping nan on her killing spree!


morgan tait is not just slightly crazy. she is also an idiot. ring ring “hi morgan tait speaking” “hi it’s D Scene here, what is your weeks column going to be about ” “tee hee I’m morgan tait this week it’s about how we tried to diet with cabbages and we failed look at me!” that there transcript tells you everything you need to know. it’s entirely possible that this column could be not worthless, but morgan needs to read more. or do something with her life first. who the fuck does she think she is?


I just think this is funny because I imagine them as a wrestling trio called the “shit masks”