otago massacre


Criticalwats Thursday Thing by criticalwat
March 4, 2010, 5:30 pm
Filed under: politics, student life, uni

criticalwat

Welcome First Years. If you are reading this you aren’t rioting so get to it you little shits..I’m not sure who is posting this year apart from that red cups guy. First thing I need to get out of the way is that the coffee in the link still sucks.. Go anywhere but there really unless you are into “ironically” drinking shitty coffee.

The other is Clubs and societies. If you are interested in doing stuff at university apart from pulling all night study and drinking bottles of horse urine you should probably join a club. There are four types of clubs that you can join

*Sports Clubs: In where you play sports which usually involves chasing balls around and getting really sweaty.

*Religious/Political Clubs: In where you advertise to the world how wrong you are about everything

*Hobby Clubs: In where you slowly become obsessed with your new found skill at t-shirt printing until you are found years later in a dark one bedroom apartment buried under a pile of shirts with “witty” slogans on them.

*KAOS: In where you hunt the most cunning prey of all (man)

If you are interested in joining any of those clubs you should probably become familiar with the push for the university to adopt VSM. VSM is similar to V.D. in that if you don’t take proper precautions you will likely cause your genitals to become a fertile breeding ground for all kinds of nasty organisms..you should probably oppose it unless you are cool with sharing your pants with a fungal colony.

puppies and sunshine and little bunnies

Advertisements


my acceptance post by ophalm
October 12, 2009, 12:59 pm
Filed under: entertainment, student life, uni | Tags: ,

ophalm

I know you don’t really read critic anymore, but if you did you may have noticed that I (and this site) got nominated for “New Zelander of the Year”. not that I have a fucking clue what a new zelander is but I guess it’s meant to be some sort of privilege, even if the other candidates are probably space aliens I can still accept cheap digs as some sort of weak sauce compliment

and they’re dead on the money. I do strike fear into the crotches of the critic team and it is true that I ran out of material very early on and resorted to ripping the shit out of ads for old people’s house appliances that are likely to kill their owners.
but thats life and I don’t get paid for this shit and mostly I’m afraid that if I did get paid I’d have to compromise on my insightful slice of modern university life and that’s not what I’m about anymore. I once was, but that dude took it too far and even after saying the safe word he still penetrated deeper. I have a scar and now it aches every time I sit down and so it literally hurts in my butte to type these things out.

mast

two members of the critic team. I'm so proud of you guys

so “thanks” and maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get inappropriately touched next year too



critic cavern by ophalm
September 21, 2009, 1:36 pm
Filed under: dunedin, horrible, philosophy, rant, student life, uni | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

ophalm

apparently there was this big rally and people drove down from christchurch and there were riots. in fact it seems that this issue of critic is composed entirely of articles about it. well, there was some other shit but yeah..

 

Continue reading



an article about the undie by ophalm
September 17, 2009, 10:32 am
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, student life, uni | Tags: , , , ,

hobo peterson

ed – this particular hobo peterson hails from canterbury

I heard there was a riot or something, people got a good old fashioned beat down, some white kids did a Haka, some blow-hards blew-hard about it on T.V., but this article isn’t about any of that. This year I didn’t go on the Undie but have in previous years, maybe I am getting too old or whatever, too out of touch with the kids of today, or maybe I just prefer to get out of it rather than get into it. However, one thing I do know about is advertising, marketing and all that business stuff (You can visit me on the third floor of the commerce building if you like, that’s where the management post-grads hang out, maybe we could be friends and add each other on Facebook, comment on each other status updates, join each others Mafias on MafiaWars and so on, but I digress.)

At my time at Uni one thing that I have always enjoyed about the Undie is definitely the effort put into decorating the cars, especially cars that fall into the genre of ‘politically incorrect’. I don’t really buy into PC vs UN-PC discussion, but I do enjoy jokes that are offensive and in your face, or just plain funny, in past years the Undie has always delivered on this. However, this year as I watched the cars/vans line up in the arts car park I noticed that they went through a rigours screening process and anything that was remotely offensive was ushered off to a secret location to be altered before being allowed into the main procession.

undie1

I wonder what was covered up here and for what reason?

undie2

what lies behind the blue paint, could it be a swear word that may offend?

undie3

: this guy lost his penis, is that ironic? Its like ten thousand dongs when all you need is a cunt

undie4

HOWEVER THIS ONE IS A-OKAY NAZI RULZ

One example I saw was the Mountain JEW car that featured an Israeli flag; it was taken off them, and also the J had to be changed into a D, ruining the joke. Whereas ‘incestuous bastards’ had some things taken off them (Josef Fritz was blanked out) but the swastikas on the wheels were kept. Also the O.S.H. van standing for Occupational Shit Heads had to remove the word ‘shit’ from their van, thus ruining the theme. I’m sure if you were there you saw countless other examples of this wicked good censorship. This brings me to my first question:

Q. What is more offensive to you: Mountain Jew with an Israeli flag or Incestuous Basterds with swastikas?

What is up with the bullshit censorship within the Undie, why would a cultural event such as this (albeit a student drinking culture is a pretty shitty culture to be honest, at least it’s better than the Indians, that culture sucks) need to be censored in this manner? This brings me to my second question for you the reader:

Q. Is the Undie 500 event an authentic student event if the students themselves are censored before being allowed to take part in the event?

When it comes to censorship, it usually lies with either uptight nanas or corporate sponsors. In this case I think the people to blame are definitely the sponsors of the event, I don’t know 100% who was behind censoring the vans, in fact I have done no research at all into this other that watching it happen. But I doubt it was ENSOC (they’re cool), I believe it was either Demon Energy Drink or THE ROCK FM ™.

I decided to have a look into this, so after a bit of internet detectivery I have discovered that Demon Energy Drink that sponsored the event have pulled all references of the Undie off their website. (NERDS ONLY: It’s still there in the Google cache though, go wild). Could it be that Demon whose tagline is “Live with no regrets. No Limits – No Laws!!!” is trying to distance themselves from the people that are seemingly doing just that? My prognosis – Student culture has been co-opted by a corporate entity and sold back to the youth, but when the going gets tough (i.e. negative publicity through riots may negatively effect the Demon brand) Demon is a bunch of “rational businessmen” and tries to erase all possible links between the two. Third question for the reader:

Q. Is it okay for a company to mimic aspects of youth culture in an effort to sell more units to that youth culture?

This is not the first time Demon have tried to ‘be cool’ to sell more units to ‘the kids’. Demon Energy Drink Limited also owns Illicit Cola that have been piggy backing off the Illicit Clothing Brand. By stealing their name and artistic style to give their cola the alternative edge through hijacking what the clothing brand has build up over 12 years, in this case a strong underground/alternative/cool image. You can look this shit up on the internet if you want, that was just as summary of the lame-ness of Demon. In closing Demon Energy = phony marketing guys trying to make a quick buck by copying what is cool at the time. Don’t fall for it they aren’t the real deal ™. In the same way Illicit (the drink) has hijacked Illicit (the clothing), Demon has tried to latch onto the Undie, Demon Energy is like your when your little sister claimed to absolutely love punk music especially true punks like Good Charlotte and SUM 41.

BONUS: For a laugh read the side of a Demon or Illicit cola can, some of the worst marketing copy (copy is what advertisers call the word bits of an advertisement/packaging) ever. Except for maybe Ink or Relentless, that’s pretty bad too.

As for the THE ROCK FM ™ they are just happy to put THE ROCK FM ™ bumper stickers on your van as to increase the exposure of their brand. For fun check out the non-riot pictures of the Undie on news websites, chances are there is a THE ROCK FM ™ logo somewhere. the THE ROCK FM ™ website also does not have any mention of the Undie on their website, however a couple of years back they did run a similar event named ‘THE UNDIE 500’ in Auckland where listeners of the radio station ran around in their underwear touching each other or something equally homosexual. No mention of that is on their website either. Is it acceptable for a corporate entity to take the name ‘Undie 500’ and use it for their own purposes, who owns the name ‘Undie 500’ is it you (the student)?

Q. Is it acceptable for corporate interests to censor a cultural event in exchange for sponsoring it, if without sponsorship that event would probably not take place?

By the time this goes to print you have probably seen the Undie on the news countless times, and a lot of talk in the media about banning this or students-at-fault that or what ever. At the end of it, do you care? Adults create the world children live in. Juvenile delinquency is always rooted in adult delinquency. Ain’t no politician gonna tell me how I’m going to live my life!!! (But a marketer might).

note: hobo peterson is the random from the internet. you too could be hobo peterson if you want



critic cavern 25/08/09 by ophalm
August 25, 2009, 10:21 am
Filed under: politics, student life, uni | Tags: , , , ,

ophalm

let’s be honest, last week of the term, who could be arsed doing a real cavern? no one that’s who. no one else lines up to do this shit. but it’s got to be done, like changing the toilet roll after it’s empty, avoiding the issue just leads to a faecal mess that you’re going to spend a long time convincing someone else to tidy up.

the OUSA elections are going this week. are you going to vote? I will and that’s all I know. the voter turn out shows us that the majority of the university are simply here to get a degree and not give a fuck. I guess that’s one way to be a successful human being. like strangelyanonymous pointed out in his hard hitting article though, the results of the voting don’t matter. maybe I don’t understand democracy, I just know I’ve been brainwashed into a voting automaton

ben from critic asked me to write a pundit like article for their magazine.. I did it purely for the free otago massacre advertising, and as an opportunity to get “ass wasting” in print, but they changed my spelling to the more correct english way and now I feel a little ripped off if not shafted..

and what else is there? an article about the digitalisation of music. I feel deeply saddened by the writers lack of commitment to the issues that really matter. there’s no discussion of DRM really, or what better solutions could be. doesn’t seem like the writer acknowledges that the music labels want desperately to hold onto their old business models, but need to get with the times..

theres also like 50 other pages in the magazine. most contain stuff not worth reading, and that fits nicely with my apathy..



Who actually cares? by strangelyanonymous
August 19, 2009, 2:52 am
Filed under: meta, politics, rant, student life, uni | Tags:

strangelyanonymous

With all this wank about about OUSA elections, I raise a question, what does it matter? The president is to perform some functional roles, yes. But I could easily do what ever it is they do. Go to a meeting, uphold what ever agreements have been made blah blah (I don’t want to that, but I could) . Essentially, I think it is a role that could held by most people. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have one, but why on earth do they expect me care who it is? As long it’s not a retarded monkey, they will do the same thing. It’s not like national government where my choice actually has an impact on outcomes affecting me. They will not lower fees, get cheaper food on campus or uncover that tunnel opposit the clocktower where you used to be able to get down to the Leith. That’s not the fault of OUSA, it’s just that the University is a multimillion dollar industry and they are not going to let a bunch of kids who have loitered around campus for a couple of years go changing things willy nilly. Of course I am willing to have my mind changed… comments…?



critic cavern 17/08/09 by ophalm
August 17, 2009, 10:28 pm
Filed under: mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , , ,

ophalm

the hardest part about writing these hard hitting critiques of critic is the opening paragraph. this week I’ve managed to get around with some meta bullshit but what will I do next week? with any luck critic might have been cancelled so it won’t be an issue

but that’s not the case here. and we’ve got a doosy this week too. vampires and the ousa elections and the cook

the ousa elections are like choosing what toilet paper to buy. it’s a decision that affects everyone, but the outcome of the decision doesn’t actually change a god damn thing
presidents
so these are our two candidates. tweedle dum and tweedle dee
actually they appear to be polar opposites in a very similar way. harriet reeks of that “please everyone, understand nothing” rhetoric that swamps half the candidates for any election, while nicholas – who looks like the love child of tony zaharic – has taken the “realistic” approach of not making promises but claiming he will listen to the students.
the same message said in two different ways. I’m not going to make any judgement calls on who is better or worse (you can wait till next week’s critic for that 😉 ) but as far as making a comment on who is likely to be more popular, well that’s a difficult call. both candidates fall in the middle of the two different boxes (the realist vs the idealist) so I think it’ll actually be a pretty close call

what was interesting was this
crcav1
our friend from critic cavern a couple of weeks ago, our masturbate-to-napoleon-dynamite, wear-glasses-because-my-eyes-are-fucked, emo friend. now she has a name – stephanie. how coincidental…

because it brings me to this
twighlight
we have a name for these kinds of people: twilight apologists. a bit like truthers or birthers, only orders of magnitude less relevant, yet equally as boring.
so apparently this was a hater turned lover epic. the problem is, is that she doesn’t truly get the hate. well don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate twilight, I simply haven’t given it enough thought or time to come to such a strong decision, but I do understand the hate. one of my facebook “friends” went and saw it at the movies about 10 times. if this was an isolated case it would mean nothing but it wasn’t, it just goes to show what is so wrong with the twilight obsession – and that is the obsession part. it’s not because of twilight in of itself as far as I am concerned, it’s the level of obsession given just how average, plain and forgettable twilight (undoubtedly) is. if only she could understand that most haters are simply concerned world citizens that regard such issues as actually being fundamentally damaging to society. when she understands that she might move out of her shimmering cave into reality

but if it wasn’t enough that we had an article about vampire stories, we have an article on vampires themselves
vampires
“why we love vampires” the nerve. “we” doesn’t include me that’s for sure.
the article is probably shit. unless you like vampires, in which case you will like it simply because it is about something you like. I just picked up critic right now to read it to comment on it but two paragraphs in and I was already reaching for my cutting kit. not worth my time and not worth yours either

something about the police and something about art. two things I didn’t read and I’d encourage you to do the same

who are these cunts?
bunchfives
why do people partake in this. if I was asked to be in it I’d ask them why they came to visit me in my parents basement. I don’t care about fame and I certainly don’t want to be plublished for anyone to see while saying the dumbest fucking shit.
look at jerome. favorite artist is 50 cent. seriously?
francis. likes coheed and cambria. has a girls name and looks like a girl. nice piercings buddy you look like nsync. is clearly offended at the notion of vampires sparkling, most likely has some (sexual) emotional investment
then we have mitch. what does mitch think the university should do to cut costs? get rid of health sci.. fuck me this guy is an idiot. what the university should do is cut the things that cost it money (or are the least profitable), not cut the biggest cash cow the university has. entire departments exist purely because of health sci. approx 10% of the students at otago take HUBS (if my maths is correct). good one mate nice thinking there.
I’d also like to comment on the the kinds of things that make these people worthwhile human beings… nothing. what do they have to say when asked what would make them consider voting for someone? do they bring up any real issues, or just say the first selfish, idiotic idea they had on their top of their heads. maybe they just don’t take it seriously but that’s the fucking problem.

theres an article hidden at the start of this sassy “magazine” about the cook and liquor licenses. I say hidden because it’s extremely easy to not read those articles at the start because they don’t have fancy titles and try to convey their content in brief simply with a witty statement. wanted to leave this rant to the end of this “article” of mine

anyway this article is interesting for the points it raises, well not quite, but the honesty that has come through
the licensing inspector says “I have always hated the cook-a-thon. I have been trying to figure out… ways to stop it”. it’s interesting because it’s clear from this that if the cook had actually been doing anything illegal he could have stopped it, but it’s clear that they aren’t doing anything illegal and so he is powerless to stop it
it’s funny because it’s like he’s just decided it’s bad and should be stopped but it’s not the law talking it’s his old school ways of banning alcohol and dancing and rock and roll. forcing children onto the street to beg for prostitution because it’s their only outlet for their pent up angst

it mentions that the cook-a-thon has become it’s own thing, like it’s actually a living entity. I still think these people don’t understand the issues and the solutions. well the solutions aren’t clear but the issues are a bit clearer and even clearer are what the issues aren’t. the hyde street keg party is a bit of an insight. what soulless money hungry corporation organises this event? the answer is the key to your problems. see the students like binge drinking. it’s not because bars offer opportunities or that there are twenty bottle stores open. people don’t walk down the street and see a bar open at 10am and think “lets binge drink”.. they plan these things. he mentions that some people get up at 4am and start drinking in preparation. he basically has an issue with how other people are living their own lives. if there wasn’t “official” outlets they’d just do it unofficially. if there was only one bottle store in north dunedin people would still drink the same amount. even if the only bottle store was in south dunedin people would still drink the same, the only thing that would change would be how people got to the store.
if you want to stop binge drinking, you need to ask why do people want to binge drink. not try to cut off their supply.
once again the authorities have no idea that you need to fix the cause not the symptom

why students like to binge drink is probably the high correlation between binge drinking and having a fucking awesome time.

what else is there? nothing.. I disagree with human lefts and don’t understand two of the cartoons in the back. that’s some effort