otago massacre

critic cavern 1/04/09 by ophalm
April 1, 2009, 6:20 am
Filed under: entertainment, mockery | Tags: , , ,

posted by ophalm

there was no critic this week….

actually that’s my april fools joke. “LOL”. but maybe if critic had actually done that they would have avoided urinating on themselves this week

I read this weeks critic a day late while on the toilet in the hunter centre. the hunter centre is apparently very resource friendly, although I’m sure it cost a lot more $$ to make it that way. not a fan of the big doors to be honest but the urinal is satisfactory and the feeling of superiority of being in there for a reason is second only to not being a student

so what have we got into today’s scat pile? more of the same? yep. different uninteresting garbage? yep. I have come to expect nothing less and certainly nothing more. it makes the times they actually do have a good article that much more of a bonus though. still, monday’s where critic doesn’t suck are monday’s nonetheless

by the way – too damn lazy to scan anything in this week. i’ve got far more important things going on in my life (new life?) so I bet you’re wondering why I’m doing this at all? because you’re reading it that’s why. if I didn’t do it how would you be reading this?

boring. dude that looks like he should be reaming his childhood best friend but apparently he plays sport. sports are for losers ok? don’t forget that.

power plugs
all you laptop rearing fags can now have a place to plug in. last year like a real ingenius I took an extension cord and 4way adapter to uni to solve the problem. it possibly looked nerdy but then I went upstairs at the link and saw guys playing “magic: the gathering” so then I felt like the coolest guy who also had power to his laptop so all is well.
also now all you steve job cock strokers can tell the world that you spent more money on a laptop than other people more often too, so I guess it works in everyone’s favour

paying off student loan
I imagine like most students I don’t consider my student loan. I get a statement yearly and I shudder and due to an aversion of anything unpleasant I file it away knowing that regardless of what it is, it’s not going to change my student life or my post student life. that’s all the thinking for an entire year. don’t let anyone ever tell you that ignorance isn’t bliss

complexities and conundrums
well what we have here is the insane rantings of the coincidentally named “adam smith”
it’s like he had a wee meth pipe sitting next to him as he typed it, making a bargain with himself that for each paragraph he wrote he was aloud another hit. it starts out relatively sanely but the sanity runs short long before the P fueled keyboard raping could end
to my uneducated eye it seems like the rantings of a person who wants to get a hold of the economic situation, and probably reads a lot about it, but still doesn’t really understand a single thing. he makes some good points, I mean, I think the economy and the way the free market runs is pretty bullshit – but I don’t write in critic with a name like adam smith

nature bullshit
nah, nature is awesome. I have nothing to say about these articles. they’re probably good but I only have time to read the articles I’m going to deride these days so I skipped them, briefly noting their existence for this note of their existence

bunch of fives
lois weathers tells me that they only interview those with funny hats. only two of the five have hats and only one is odd. what the shit lois?
quite the scientific study this. I wish I ran bunch of fives. maybe I could make my own? I’d ask hard hitting questions about their sexual performances and what they consider the best “bang for buck” drink around. those aren’t really hard hitting sorry; to be honest I just don’t want to ask anything that’s of any value other than quick cheap entertainment value

healthy lifestyle in a bottle?
I made a note to myself to make an interesting post about healthy lifestyle week and the irony that it lasts only a week but once again too damn busy but here’s an article to have a stab at
but my stabs would be misdirected, as it raises a good point about the consumerism surrounding vitamins.
overdoses of vitamin pills kill more people than cannabis – don’t forget that

quote of the week
“I have learned that sandwiches are now $8 on campus, and that it costs $2 more for pesto. Pesto! Fuck you Dunedin, you’ve changed”
he speaks for me. not that I know what dunedin was like years and years ago but I get the impression $8 sandwiches it wasn’t and somehow I don’t feel a move towards a more “metro” flavour is good as much as it is pandering..

the rest
same shit different week really. read it for yourself, I know I didn’t

be careful out there! by ophalm
March 13, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: drugs, horrible, student life | Tags: , ,

it was a good night

be careful, if you drink, you might get drunk!


passed out means "maybe later"

if you’ve been through the link lately you may have seen these binge drinking advertisements. reverse psychology – I like their angle. they’ve given us some photos of some hilarious times people have had on the piss and then tell us about date rape.

I’m glad *they* are reaching out to us, the common people, and helping us in our struggle to moderate our drug use.

the rules of intoxication

the rules of intoxication

do most choose? are budgetary constraints possibly a larger influence? the last comment is probably the wisest, as saving money is the key to happiness, and if you take no money with you, you’ll soon learn your abilities of a money beggar quickly and will have more memorable times. and what’s this upper limit? the limit on fun?

cookathon I by ophalm
February 26, 2009, 7:00 am
Filed under: dunedin, student life, uni | Tags: , ,

the cookathon is really just a bingeathon. people come from all around, dress up, get drunk, go to the cook and then get more drunk. I’m sure for every laugh there is a tear and I’ve documented some of the madness. I didn’t really try too hard as you can tell, I just stood over the road briefly. poor journalism my friends

om-8317-0902251you can see their panties
om-8319-0902251way to advance the stereotype
om-8329-0902251cappy cook pours out his urine into patrons mouths
om-8331-0902251a loving tender embrace
om-8338-0902251this girl looks so lost

so she went homeom-8339-0902251arguments at the door
om-8340-0902251the fuzz were out in force. free bouncers

at the end of the day though, the cookathon gives us one thing alone:

it’s probably fun if you’re involved and are one of the lucky few to have a good time without cheating on a partner or getting in a fight or throwing up on yourself or one of the many other charming activities those involved end up in. we can only look forward to future cookathons

the captain cook tavern by ophalm
February 14, 2009, 5:10 am
Filed under: dunedin, student life | Tags: , , , ,

so I don’t know if you’ve been past the cook lately, but it’s been changing. they’ve painted the outside a new colour, added a terrible mural and they’re doing up the inside. today is opening day (so I hear) so I don’t know what it’s like on the inside, but I walked past it the other day and saw some of what was going on, and it looked kinda weird.. tree paintings. anyway, that’s the least of our worries.

so captain cook is the captain who didn’t find this country, but decided in his infinite wisdom to colonise it. clearly he felt the natives were not abusing the land at an efficient enough rate so he brought english genius to the rescue. this bar is named after him, and it’s opposite uni and suited to drunken tweenage antics.

one of their many renovations has included this lovely image:

a crudely painted capt cook

captain cook squats slightly as he prepares his urine for consumption

what the shit? it looks like ole cookie is fed up with good posture and also with having to leave his table to go to the toilet. is it just me or is he squatting out a ~fart~ while simultaneously taking a leak in his glass? I didn’t realise he was such a piss fiend but paintings don’t lie.
what possessed him to urinate in his own cup? presumably in preperation for a skulling contest? did he drink the cook’s own beer (ironically their cheapest)? is he a meth addict, looking to bake down his waste so he can smoke it to get the last hit from his unprocessed P? has he simply been painted during the middle of a rather unfortunate drunken dare? it’s not really possible to know since he’s dead.


but what we do know is that he brought along his friend to the scat party, the octopus


relevancy, the lost art

maybe this is meant to scare away those that are on the cheap acid that was circulating in 08, or maybe it’s just a drunken child’s dream turned real. whatever it is it’s about as relevant as a car phone during the 1600s (the boylen girls were pimpin’) and that just won’t do. it’s not that I’m against octopii – I mean, the smartest all of all the cephalopods is a feat to behold, but I just don’t get it. maybe I just don’t understand the fanciful imagery of a money hungry bar owner, and maybe I never will; though it will forever give me a reason to confuse the cook with an aquarium.


not that any of this will slow down the rate of broken virginities caused by alcohol inspired sexual excursions that were initiated at this “fine” public establishment, nor will it make the bowler any more appealing as an alternative bar.

oh, and I imagine that scaffolding will go away at some stage, but for now it lets you know that this site is cutting edge and that we let you know what’s going down before it even does.