otago massacre

critic cavern 23/07/09 by ophalm


well what the shit we have another critic. I’m pretty stoked personally to have found out that the deliver critic as far as the big medical school building. this way I can get my dose of critic a few minutes earlier

and what a dose
what’s happened to all the money? because when I read juicy I expect colours, not this old timey black and white casablanca bullshit that my parents had to put up with
when I looked at it, my first thought was “budget” and my next move was turning the page

on the facing page we find out that a surveying student dies, a real shame. was he drunk when he fell into the water? “it appears he became disoriented before falling into the harbour”. it certainly seems like he was, he had left a 21st. now I don’t think this guy is to blame, my beef is with the lack of mention of alcohol. imagine if there was any evidence that he was on any other drug, “p kills surveying student” or “survey shows surveyor died of cannabis!” it just pisses me off the double standards for alcohol vs recreational drugs. I don’t want to hate on alcohol, but it causes more issues than all other drugs combined; and when it appears fundamental to the death of a promising individual and it’s not even mentioned (knowing full well other drugs would be mentioned if they were involved instead) it just pisses me off. I think it’s a conspiracy theory run by the speights corporation to keep the nation enslaved and sorry I’m not open to any evidence to the contrary


I can't think of many cooler graffitis than the word yeast. microbiology, vaginal infections. I do love fungus and anyone who graffitis fungus related things is a-ok in my book

“shocking revelations” about the state of student housing. I feel the word “revelation” is a bit over the top, seriously no one was under any false impressions of the state of student housing in otago? even the “get over it” campaign knows this, and when advertising campaigns are aware of things, only retard rockers don’t. anyway it’s an interesting article, I can’t tell if they are trying to blame students or landlords. they are just saying that shit sucks really. the students lap it up though. first years get a chance to have decent first hand experience of castle street before vying for the flats next year, it’s not like they are conned into shit. they made their bed and now they’re sleeping in it what is the problem?

you know there are a lot of words in this critic. not enough pictures and not enough colours and too many words

just look:
* why should ousa not rush into supporting the stadium?
* laffin’ it up in dunedin
* making a buck out of other people’s bad luck
* rioting with reason: forty years on from the stonewall riots
*a kiwi comic book hero

all in a row. I realise magazines are to provide content but geez. I read the start of three of them. that’s a pretty good effort for me
I have to say that I don’t get the article on comedians. is it mocking them or celebrating them? it’s kinda doing both – poorly. the one about war seems promising. it’s the kind of article I think other people should read, but wouldn’t read myself.. does that make me a hypocrite or simply a wise mentor?
stonewall riots is all about the gay agenda. god bless lsd for unleashing a generation from under the power of authority. but authority made awesome experiences illegal in order to steal back their reign of terror. thankfully it has never quite gotten back to where it was, but “brave new world” style distraction certainly has society tied down in a totally different way, maybe not as bad but certainly more subversive. I see it in other students, it makes me sad, that people don’t care much and that the media has sort of implied that fighting for things is pointless please just sit back and enjoy the ride. I could go on but I don’t think I know what I’m talking about
something about comic books. I don’t get comics. they are extremely unsatisfying and I kinda like the concept of x-men but reading a comic of it sucks. I have to walk past a comic book store every day to uni, and I hardly ever see anyone in there and it kind of makes me sad because I don’t like seeing businesses failing, but that is just a presumption and it is a shit time economically and I just wonder why people do things like that. I’ve seen some of the staff, and they look way too “trendy” and “cool” and certainly look like they think they’re cool enough for modaks but I don’t buy it and sorry comics don’t appeal. thats my opinion about that article

what is the point of bunch of fives? community? an attempt to provide realism? is it the magazine equivalent of reality tv?
it doesn’t make sense. it would be nice if they told us what the questions they asked were. who edits this magazine?

and the rest goes on and on and on. the most interesting thing in the second entire half of the magazine is the second half of the letters which are placed right at the end. there is a charming wee letter about the code of conduct. I don’t know fuck all about the code but this person is asking a ridiculous request, an infringement on other people’s lives and is the equivalent of going to church and the minister telling you that you had to go straight home after church and couldn’t hang around with other people.
CoC lover your name says it all

second semester by ophalm
July 13, 2009, 6:31 am
Filed under: meta, uni | Tags: , , ,


damn. half the year gone already. it’s hard to believe but it’s good to have faith that this semester will be exactly like the last one but with less enthusiasm. first years will have a slight grasp of life, going home to friends and family probably showed them more than anything else that they’ve changed while their family stayed the same. hopefully this means that by coming back they will be less certain about life, which is the first stepping stone to being a better person, learning that the illusions they had about life and family are but illusions. the earlier they learn it the better. joy doesn’t come without tears

wonder what the stoners are going to be up to? unlike first semester when the weather is suitable for the girls to prove to us that we don’t need to respect their minds but only their asses, the weather is not suitable for sluts or for stoning. of course this won’t deter the stoners from having their four twenty blazeathons which really do protest the harsh laws on cannabis

what other great highlights will there be on campus? there’s always that fruit stall. they have cheap fruit there apparently. never brought any myself. apparently you can’t buy only one apple because they’d undercut the campus food corporation.
there will definitely be more of that. more food monopolies. or less competition. whatever makes more sense.
it’s actually a shame. not much of a fan of having no choice over the food and drink. I mean, I have choice, but only amongst a small chain of food, with not much choice in who my money ends up with. sad but true. thats what you get for living in 2009

no doubt critic will be cranking up again. I would put money on them not having learnt from past semesters; and actually making more episodes. will amy still be at the helm? will it be the different, only exactly the same? much like this blog the answer is yes

what about the massacre? what will be different here? little will be different. we just don’t have the resources or motivation to change anything. might try to get some new advertising up around the uni, if you see it write something awesome on it. gonna try to push the darknet harder because at the moment it is a colossal failure. might give out some prizes. might take over the university..

remember your brains!

critic cavern 12/05/09 by ophalm
May 13, 2009, 1:29 pm
Filed under: drugs, horrible | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

what do we have here?

I’ve actually read most of this one. even the parts I never read. why? I’ve spent a fair amount of time on the toilet lately and there is only one I will accept doing while taking a shit – and that is reading critic

because that’s the only time the smell of critic doesn’t overpower my senses

so consequently I’ve learned a few things. and other parts of my mind have been damaged. does it balance out? with critic you always run at a net loss, ask any economics student.

shitty advice about colds
well not all the advice is shitty, but it is confusing and inconsistent. tell me critic, should we listen to modern medicine or our superstitious mothers, because you don’t seem to know. and tell me how buying aspirin or ibuprofen doesn’t give money to pharmaceutical companies? instead of buying Panadol© just go to the supermarket and buy generic paracetamol.
and while they briefly mention keeping your fluids in at the start, it wasn’t amongst the bullet pointed list of things to do.. it should be number fucking one. fluids, rest and don’t booze, and eat vegetables.. maybe smoke some weed to feel better

actually I can’t be fucked doing anymore of this. despite reading the whole thing, this shit just takes too much time. keep on truckin’

critic cavern easter by ophalm
April 10, 2009, 4:57 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery, student life | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

well it’s another lovely easter. thankyou to the jews for taking jesus to the sanhedrin, and to pontius pilate for not being willing to really consider jesus’s guilt and just ordering the crucifixion anyway to appease the jews. because of this situation we here in NZ get a couple of days off for easter

but earlier on in the week in an attempt to overshadow easter, critical publications released another “shitic” magazine. issue #6 apparently.

you know what? if there is one thing I hate more than boy racers, it’s grandma racers. and my hate is based purely upon drawings like the one on the cover of critic. I’ve seen this picture somewhere before, where I don’t remember but it’s what it stands for that I can’t stand. and that’s some form of retro something. “fuck retro anything” said tool and right here I agree. see this picture brews up some strong feelings from me, and it’s to due with what it’s trying to show (old people having fun) and breed some form of nostalgia for a time or event that never actually occurred outside of this stupid fucking picture

I thought it was nice and ironic that on the fourth page (apparently the cover is the first page) that there was an ad for air traffic controllers, debating the notion that you need to go to uni to earn money. now only r’tards would think that in order to earn money you need to go to uni and I don’t think anyone is even debating that but I wonder who this ad thinks their audience is – because it’s people who are already at uni, and it’s too late in the year to bail anyway. why not pitch this towards high school students or anyone who would actually be an air traffic controller? I mean, I haven’t done marketing like muhhammed clearly has but I do know a few things, like choosing your target demographic..

juicy is weak once again. facebook quizzes are lame we all know, and at least now you can turn them off, but critic won’t be able to take back their comment about being contented with Home and Away quizzes. why is critic condoning Home and Away anyway? it’s shitty and it’s conservative as all heaven – but maybe that’s the new angle. maybe universities are too liberal and in an effort to curb our “rebellious” attitudes towards the world they recommend we watch a brain numbing soap opera. I mean, sure they haven’t actually done that… or have they?

so critic is branding all asians as cheaters huh.. pretty extreme to blame all asians for the mistakes of few but that’s what critic is all about. it is interesting though, this asian approach to learning, the copying something because it’s good. someone told me that in x years that 90% of the world’s PhDs will be coming from china.. I surely hope this situation changes if that is to be the case.

does anyone read the OUSA executive reports? I do find the pictures of celebrities next to the names briefly interesting but you still can’t convince me to read this shit.

what’s this article on ecstasy on page 17? apparently someone needed to respond to the decent article on mdma with a slighty more “crazy” approach to taking ecstasy. I don’t get the point of it though. do they want to promote stereotypes? what does this article add? in a sense I like it, I’m all for the promotion of safe recreational drug usage, but on the other hand, this girl took 50 ecstasy tablets in a year, she’s not a sensible person to listen too. also if she’s such an expert why isn’t she pre and post loading with 5ht?

why sports will save the world by someone who doesn’t like sports.
the person automatically assumes that by affirming that they don’t like sports they will risk ostracision but that statement in of itself just goes to show how much the stupid nz media has convinced yet another person that everyone in nz needs rugby. the simple truth is that there is a hell of a lot of nzers that don’t love or even like rugby, and it seems like that number is growing. people ask me all the time if I like rugby and I often say “no” (or something even funnier – can you imagine what that would be?) but no-one cares. thank goodness our homogeneous love of a sport is all but dead in this country.
anyway – didn’t read much of the rest of the article but I have to say that either way I wasn’t impressed. everything is so cliche. the first few paragraphs about cavemen are a prime example. just read them and wonder to yourself what this person was thinking as he wrote them. maybe he was wondering that no-one had read anything like this before but the simple truth is that he throttles the cock at an astronomical rate and therefore can’t write for shit – too distracted

still on topp huh. were the topp twins ever on top? or was the truth second to a witty title. actually people I’m sorry I can’t be arsed doing anymore of this this week. the rest of the magazine is the same as it always is, the cartoon with the chicken and the jandals and socks is one of the worst things I have ever seen but I can’t build up enough energy to share the amount of rage that cartoon causes me – especially the note at the end of it. I ranted about clicheness before but this is beyond anything. but you’ll have to rage against it yourself.

I feel the cavern is becoming more and more brutal over time. at once it was a gentle ribbing and now it’s just destruction. I can’t hold back sorry

critic cavern 25/03/09 by ophalm
March 25, 2009, 10:06 pm
Filed under: drugs, entertainment, mockery, uni | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

first off, apologies to those of you who wait desperately for critic cavern every week. I know you lack the ability to read it and deride it yourselves and require an online authority to do it for you -me. it didn’t happen. I wanted to but was too damn busy. life’s a bit hard sometimes.

on to this weeks critic.
I have to hand it to them, this cover rules. if only this website could be so ecstatically bling. it’s like the good kind of bling, not the rapper gold rubbish.

but this cover proves one thing alone – you can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter because as soon as you open it and pass the boring ass contents and editorial that no-one reads you get the “juicy” column.


well they’ve thrown me into a jumble by swapping the order of slop/endorse around but right here what do we have. hot or not based on fucking tv. television is ass, people, learn this now; but seriously critic, there must be better things to talk about than tv in a gossip section? are you even trying?

well, there was something better evidently
they’ve partially redeemed themselves with a little survey on drugs.

apparently young people in this country have taken drugs proving once again that prohibition is a success and should be continued.

the article on MDMA isn’t bad actually, it’s pretty neutral, but if there is one thing that fucks me off about drug taking culture is the people that take drugs but think they should be illegal

see they interview three people I think who have taken the drug. xavier likes it, and thinks it should be legal, that’s fine, he’s consistent. but aidan, who has taken it ~8 times and said he’d take it “only at certain international DJs” obviously isn’t against MDMA. but he doesn’t think it should be legal.
the reason this pisses me off so much is his obvious “above others” attitude. it’s like he’s saying that he can handle it, but doesn’t think the general public can. what a shaft guzzler.

my attitude is that drugs should be a health issue, not a legislative issue. regardless of any drugs illegality people still use them and all it does it prop up an underground and a black market. not that jim anderton cares..

then once again after you get past those few things the magazine grinds to a boring ass “informative” halt. our esteemed leader edwin darlow wrote half a page. something about the stadium. it appears he’s against it so all good. I voted for him but maybe should I have voted for muhammed? but yeah, his column, like the rest go largely unread and then the media critics get skipped after I see I disagree with their ratings on 95% of the stuff I have experienced and then theres the shitty cartoons. this week is even worse than usual.

I mean, it’s not like we’re producing better shit here, but you don’t pay for this. you pay for critic! probably a lot. infact, it’d be a mission to find out just how much it does cost per issue..

you know, if someone actually does read those other articles, and has “constructive criticism” – please, be a productive member of society

funk what by ophalm
February 27, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,
when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

funk that. a store with a name that is a pun of “fuck that”. right from the moment your eyes are insulted by it’s shopfront 50 meters away, you just know this store is class.
the guy who owns the store (“the funk that guy”) is one dodgy mother fucker. he makes his living through evading every laws using loopholes and by selling crack cocaine to school children. he imports stuff that no-one can (wants to?) because he imports them broken down or stuffed in my-little-pony dolls. just so you and I can take our drugs more efficiently.
also so we can buy ninja stars and big swords and posters of cannabis smoking aliens (probably, I’m not sure of that but every lame store like this has those “bring me to your dealer” – “lol”). you can buy all your legal “highs” although I’m convinced the down you get from those “highs” outweigh any shuddery benefit.
have I mentioned the store front is highlighter green? did I mention you can buy cannabis growing equipment? what about tacky-as-fuck zippo lighters? what about weed tins that have pictures of magic mushrooms on them?
what about coloured contacts? or misleading signs for round the clock “tattoos”?

at least it’s mostly cheaper than cosmic corner, which is ironic because when I google “funk that dunedin”, the third link is cosmic corner (without a real link to funk that in sight)

the best ways to die in dunedin I by ophalm
February 19, 2009, 1:00 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

they say that nothing is certain in life but death and taxes – but I wonder if aids children in africa have to pay aids tax?

but death is surely sure and now is as good of a time as any to discuss how we’re gonna plan your death.

now dunedin is a good spot for mortality, and if you choose this as your final place may we recommend some scenarios.

stabbed by mayor peter chin

he will thrust so gently with his dagger

he will thrust so gently with his "dagger"

it may come as a surprise but dunedin’s mayor, peter chin runs a funeral service – in that he gives them a reason to exist. being stabbed to death though by M.P.C. is not cheap feat. I hear that if you have to ask just how much, you can’t afford it


being dealt strychnine laced mdma pills from marc ellis

such a sweet delightful death it will be

such a sweet delightful death it will be

typically when people think of mdma (ecstasy) people think of life changing – best time of my life – experiences. not today. just as you think you’re about to come up you’ll move into muscular convulsions and die through asphyxia or sheer exhaustion. people will think you’re an awesome dancer but you’ll actually be dying a slow death

four20 still losing by ophalm
February 12, 2009, 11:29 pm
Filed under: uni | Tags: , ,

if you’re new you may not know about the union lawn 420 sesh up; a bunch of stoners – in an effort to challenge perceptions and stereotypes of cannabis users – manage to further the image that all cannabis smokers are wasters.

anyone with half a brain knows that not all cannabis users are wasters/losers, it’s just that all the users who aren’t as such tend to stay at home, be productive members of society and use cannabis on the side. they don’t tend to make a lifestyle purely out of getting high.

the 420 is meant to be a form of protest. how exactly I’m unsure but it’s been going for years, but it got out of hand in 08 – reaching a critical mass, attracting the attention of the dean and the police, arrests happened, campus watch got frisky and generally everyone else on campus got pissed off with them. some even went to the length of comparing a non-smoker smelling cannabis smoke to a vegetarian being forced to smell a sausage cookoff. strong words for strong feelings

so this year is going to be an interesting one for the union lawn high flyers*, will their cause continue? will they be shut down by the fuzz? will their massive tree-hanging joint be destroyed by a bunch of piñata desperate drongos? will abe ever shave? I guess only time will tell – but keep an eye out, you might score a free toke 😉


*if for some reason you want to check it out for yourself – union lawn (outside the union grill on campus) @ 4.20pm on wednesdays and fridays