otago massacre

critic cavern 14/07/09 by ophalm


I actually came across this by accident this week. I intended to pick it up from somewhere else, but I saw it while marching to the toilet before my 9am lecture. I didn’t know it circulated this widely but lessons can be learnt any day but sunday and that’s not today.

it’s really quite tempting to say something about the cover. to make a comment about the article of internet memes. it really infuriates me so much, on so many different levels for so many different reasons that I’m afraid I can’t make comment because I know I won’t be able to do my absolute hatred justice

so they’re renaming re-o week to take two. “a rose by any other name is still a rose” is a famous quote which, while it hits the nail on the head, fails to describe the depth of the situation. see whether otago likes it or not, it’s reputation is drunken parties. degrees come a distant second I’m sorry. the drug of the nation is being consumed at an ever increasing rate and the only thing to do is to join it. renaming it won’t have prevented the castle street keg party last night, and it won’t prevent first years from losing their date-rape virginities either. effort in a different way… maybe?

but what about the rest of the magazine? it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I said that in the last post but maybe it’s getting through to you. see some of the columns are new! fantastic I can hear the angels singing.

there’s an obsessive compulsive “red shoes diary” fan who writes for a column called “AV’S SWEET” and it’s name is emma tate. she likes tv. waaay to much apparently. not smart enough to download tv though, just stream it, and not smart enough to write a column worth reading. anyone who has enough time to watch the shit she gloats about doesn’t deserve my time nor my semen

“what maketh the man?” by kavi chetty. an article about moustaches. I’m gonna call his bluff and say that he wrote this article purely from a perspective of admiration for something retro, but without actually having the balls to do anything about it. does kavi have a moustache? I’m betting no, and if I’m right then I’m also right about his propensity for touching other men’s scrotums. personally I have a moustache. in a technical sense anyway.

“oooh snap!” I am so glad the unitards have some kind of extra outlet on top of facebook for posting pictures of themselves drunk. “hey look at me I’m contributing to the nation’s disgrace, can’t you see I’m drunk!”

there was a higher than normal proportion of articles about murder and fighting and death and punching and all things that seem horrible. I guess it’s good that there is information getting out there, but where are the outlets for the anger built up from finals?

page 55 have a nice wee third page ad about brazilian waxes just below a nerd article. who plans this magazine? the pirate bay going “legit” is an interesting concept, although what affect it will have on the greater torrent community is uncertain. I know that most people are moving away from the public sites (pirate bay, mininova etc) to private and even secret trackers. harder to get stung. personally I’m surprised NZ doesn’t have it’s own one, it’s about time. everyone knows that copyright holds the public back and that’s it’s only real goal is to increase the wealth gap between the rich and the poor! the only war is class war my friend. so who wants to come with me to get a brazilian?

and there you go. another week down

it happened (aka conservatives are rude) by ophalm
April 30, 2009, 11:44 am
Filed under: horrible, politics | Tags: , , , ,

posted by ophalm

I accidentally watched the news. I saw some article about boot camp and sending young children there to make tshirts for middle class white teens. in fact here are a couple from stuff here and here

but this post isn’t so much about that as it is about conservatives, those dirty fuckers. but the boot camp fiasco highlights the issue, and it’s timely with the recent posting about political correctness by an evidently uninformed young person

the gist of the boot camp article is that national in all their privileged wisdom want to sentence young offenders to boot camp for a while, help straighten them out. on the very surface this seems like a good idea I guess. but then we start getting some more opinions and facts coming through:

“We found no evidence whatsoever that it does anything other than to prepare young people to live in a military world, not be good family members,” Chief Families Commissioner Jan Pryor said. “In some instances they have been shown to increase offending.”

oh yeah..

Unicef’s Barbara Lambourn said the bill pandered to “populist and ill-informed pitchfork-and-torches mentality” and said harsher punishment increased the likelihood of reoffending. It also breached United Nations conventions. “…Children’s rights are being knowingly disregarded.”

uh huh..

Putting children in the criminal justice system also left them vulnerable to physical and sexual abuse and “put them in the company of their peer group which is just ideal for teaching criminality”.

on the news article on the ‘vision there was something along the lines of “those who work on the coalface, the youth workers say that this is a terrible idea”..

but what’s national doing? going ahead with it anyway. and this is to me what conservatism is all about. see we’ve got these priviliged white people who see a problem, and thinking back to their oppressive roots (being the oppressor) they conceive of the harshest way to deal with the problem within the realms of vaguely keeping human rights intact, because they generally believe that if something is bad people will avoid it and therefore crime will be stopped etc etc etc.

yet all the studies, evidence and opinions from those that are relevant say that’s not the way. they say we need a more reasonable approach – which probably requires more work and grace – that actually results in positive change, not just retribution. but conservatives just don’t give a fuck about any of that stuff and go ahead anyway.

and you can apply this theory to almost any attempt of social change that conservatives do. drug policies instantly jump to mind; “if we make the punishments for doing drugs harsh, people won’t do them and society will be saved” only anyone who has a clue realises that it doesn’t work. there is a problem in our society with drugs, but laws aren’t going to fix it, it’s a health issue.

I used to sum up conservatives (vs liberals) like this: conservatives want society to suit them and liberals want society to suit everybody and yes it’s a massive generalisation but it fits.

what’s most offensive of course is that the majority of the population is ignorant enough to vote conservatives into power every once in a while – and why? because the conservative approach of keeping themselves in the good and everyone else in the suck appeals to a large proportion of society who (believes) that it will keep the status quo with their privileged lifestyle.

a bit ott maybe? /rant

the best ways to die in dunedin II by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, terrible fiction | Tags: , , , , ,

posted by ophalm

once again death blows it’s stinking odour in our general direction. but what if we could make that stench appealing? what if dying in dunedin could be fun and entertaining? no what ifs needed my friends, because the time is here
one thing that’s amazing about death is simply the vast array of choices you have! here are but some

freefall suicide from the richardson building

blue skies mean joyful deaths

blue skies mean joyful deaths

why the richardson building? why not jump to your death off something more interesting? well lets be honest what is more interesting that jumping off of a building with the nickname of “dick”?
if we are truly being honest many things are more interesting and maybe this is what makes jumping off the richardson building such an attractive way to die. it’s humble. pride is a terrible sin and humility is a virtue all but lost in our terrible society. suiciding from the RB brings a smile to a child’s face and a tear to a grandma’s eye. how much are these things worth? they can’t be paid for in money that’s for sure – only in integer values of human lives.

cutting the brake system in boy racer’s cars

ok I’ve turned the notion on it’s head, because the death here is the third person, not the first person, but that’s ok because it’s boy racers that are dying

lets pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

let us pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

this is lovely because this can be applied in any city in the world. see boy racers are terrible. by definition. if a boy racer isn’t a terrible person, well then they’re not a boy racer.
what we’d like to see done here is sabotage. boy racers often have jobs which they need in order to pay off their ridiculous loans, so they can’t be driving all the time. you need to get under the car and using some tools break the relevant part of the brakes that stops them from dying.
next thing you know, the boy racer is driving (probably excessively in some manner) along and wants to stop but he can’t and if by sheer luck you happen to see this you’ll be filled with joy as you watch his face in shock as his car ploughs into a powerpole and his head is destroyed against the wind screen.
some family members may cry and maybe even the girl he got pregnant after high school cries too. but you can’t win without losing and every time a boy racer dies the universe wins

An incitement to [violence] celebrate otago’s unique “culture” by criticalwat
March 14, 2009, 11:50 pm
Filed under: mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , ,

posted by criticalwat

Welcome freshers to Otago University! It has been a good year so far, the giant bucket of piss was a pleasant change to the usual eggings that will happen throughout the year (you will I hope, be expected by your 2nd year mentors as well as your peers to keep this behavior up).
However I know it’s early days yet, but there is a lot of pressure on you this year coming not only from those of us in the peanut gallery, but also from a couple of little known pieces of old media such as “Critic” and the “ODT”. thanks to us being spoiled for entertainment from 2007’s wonderful display of savagery known as the Undie 500 and last years respectful follow up, the unofficial 2008 mini riot.

However I see bright things in your future as it takes a rare group of people/commerce students to lug buckets full of urine and from what I’ve heard “fecal matter” around and to use it to willfully vandalize other peoples private property.

I can only hope that you manage to keep this up throughout the year as it is most entertaining. If you need any inspiration, I’d like to remind you that 2007’s little bit of a kerfuffle (for those of you who may have come to New Zealand only recently and haven’t heard of the Undie 500 yet you might want to have a read of this much more interesting article) did over $12,000 in damages to emergency equipment alone!

Have fun out there! Unless it negatively affects me in any way in which case please cease having fun and go vomit blood somewhere else. Cheers.

the best ways to die in dunedin I by ophalm
February 19, 2009, 1:00 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

they say that nothing is certain in life but death and taxes – but I wonder if aids children in africa have to pay aids tax?

but death is surely sure and now is as good of a time as any to discuss how we’re gonna plan your death.

now dunedin is a good spot for mortality, and if you choose this as your final place may we recommend some scenarios.

stabbed by mayor peter chin

he will thrust so gently with his dagger

he will thrust so gently with his "dagger"

it may come as a surprise but dunedin’s mayor, peter chin runs a funeral service – in that he gives them a reason to exist. being stabbed to death though by M.P.C. is not cheap feat. I hear that if you have to ask just how much, you can’t afford it


being dealt strychnine laced mdma pills from marc ellis

such a sweet delightful death it will be

such a sweet delightful death it will be

typically when people think of mdma (ecstasy) people think of life changing – best time of my life – experiences. not today. just as you think you’re about to come up you’ll move into muscular convulsions and die through asphyxia or sheer exhaustion. people will think you’re an awesome dancer but you’ll actually be dying a slow death

march 13th is bring a weapon to class day by ophalm
February 16, 2009, 1:11 am
Filed under: student life, terrible fiction, uni | Tags: , , ,

in keeping with tradition, when a friday the 13th occurs in the month of march, it become bring a weapon to class day.
this is what we call an unsanctioned holiday, meaning that it is no way supported by the university, the police, the human rights commission or anyone at all in the general public. infact it’s safe to say that no-one at all sanctions or encourages this.

the idea is to bring a weapon to class. the main concept is pretty easy but you also get points on the kind of weapon brought, and multiple weapons means a sum of their points. some weapons are given a large amount of points because of difficulty of concealment, risk of self injury and originality. those weapons that are easy to carry obviously represent a small amount of points. if someone is willing to carry a weapon openly in public, there is no benefit or detriment to them points wise, although it will make it easier to gain more points, but also expose themselves to the law – in which case the person’s participation in the holiday is null and void and we will deny all knowledge of their participation.

here is a sample list of some of the weapons that have been used in the past

glock 19 – 46 points
a particular favorite amongst the multi-carriers out there. on it’s own it doesn’t net a lot of points – it’s just too damn easy to conceal, but it’s easy to carry a number of them and it’s gangsta appeal means that you get a lot of street cred for this particular weapon. also, 19 rounds?


prison shank – 28 points + 4 points for rust
not a bad weapon for amateurs. having a home made – home loved feel, it’s perfect for inflicting damage in those that care to come too close. what can be said about such a humble weapon? a design passed down by generations of criminals, it’s a weapon that’s only real rival is the fist itself. bonus points for rust as tetanus turns any woundee from a grisly mess on the ground to a stiff grisly mess on the ground. it’s not really as funny as it is educational


studded mace – 78 points
this is a mixed bag. it’s not easy to conceal and it’s probably easy to drop on your foot, and it’s somewhat original, so it’s got all that going for it; but on the other hand, it’s a weapon that’s probably used in WoW. and that in itself instantly tarnishes any lethality this weapon once had. it’s heritage is so bathed in fantasy no-one is even sure if it ever existed or if was merely the end result of a dungeon master’s wet dream.


harry potter wand – 3 points
are you kidding me? is this really even a weapon? it’s more of a tool used to pick up dudes in a gay bar, just before it’s used to probe them. in fact the only reason it earns points at all is because of the sheer balls required to withstand the shame of bring one to class.







ak47 – 157 points
brutal. simply brutal. very very difficult to conceal, but kinda difficult to self harm with. very easy to non-self harm though, and let’s be honest, that’s what weapons are all about. this weapon has probably killed more men than any other assault rifle, and that places it in a special corner of my heart. if ak47s were a race of people, their females would be the sexiest bitches alive


ninja star – 4 points
pretty lame to be honest. trying to win a competition by purchasing goods from funk that? if it wasn’t for technicalities I wouldn’t even give points for this. it’s easy to conceal, and it’s only value comes from the fact that it’s not too difficult to hurt yourself – although the chances are that it’s not even sharp.


tzar bomba
automatic win, points not even necessary. if you seriously dared bring the largest nuclear weapon ever detonated to class, you’d be an instant winner, slutty girls would be yours for the taking. I mean, the amount of effort probably would not be worth it, but it would be a classic tale and enthrall children at story time for generations to come

the fact is that any weapon will do, and points are awarded on a case by case basis on the criteria I have mentioned plus whatever the judges feel like doing on the day. there is no actual requirement of using the weapon on another person – in fact we strongly recommend against that if we want to continue having this holiday in years to come.

there’s nothing more to add. you have to be in to win. the prizes are