otago massacre

best ways to die in dunedin III by ophalm
April 22, 2009, 10:10 pm
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

it’s been said that you can only die once. this was stated as fact by a medical professional so it’s not just hearsay either. and with this is mind, we ask ourselves why choosing death is so far down on people’s goals for life (usually). but here I am trying to bring death back, make it more fashionable than when james dean died of death related causes. and here is one of the more glamourous and kind ways to die

being sent a fatal amount of valentine’s day teddy bears from amy joseph


not even sure is this is even aj, but a quick internet search reveals this to be a facebook picture of someone with the same name and relevant details. god bless the internet

as unlikely as you’d imagine this to be, it’s actually a common occurrence and spoken about around many a campfire all new zealand christian camps. I hear she buys them from a large range of shops, not alerting shop owners to her large purchases and consequently not gaining the label of “bear shopper”.
the manner in which the bears kill is largely unknown even to the police who examined the scene, as the only evidence found were a number of teddy bears with a lethality matched only by home and away brand generic “drugs”. it’s claimed the bears were delivered by courier and that the victims were required to sign, and what appeared to be an electronic signing box with poor signature recognition was really a death certificate but for the victims at the time this was unknown.

the main problem with this form of death isn’t the delicious and cuddly way of dying itself, but how to get this arranged. the specific array of bears isn’t just made up and I haven’t even found the method on the internet, only the lovely aj knows..
so I guess the first step you’d wanna take is being her boyfriend – or convincing her to take you as her girlfriend if the case may be. and doing this in time for valentines day. and not telling her your motive, because I mean, I’d be personally insulted if someone asked me out because they wanted to die..

only once a year people, only one very lucky person a year


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Phalm, someday you must choose between your love of death and your obsession with Amy Joseph, I don’t think your heart can fit both-

Comment by Anonymous

if only you knew how large my heart was

Comment by ophalm


Comment by dangercore

Your quite right there DC – if it wasn’t for death I’d never get laid!

Comment by strangelyanonymous

wow man that’s a bit over the top.. what does amy think of this?

Comment by raincoat-h8r

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