otago massacre

news watch 28/02/09 by ophalm
February 28, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , ,

I cut up the newspapers because you’re unable to



normally the exclamation this ad uses is saved for something truly urgent, like a plumber or an ambulance; but here they’ve used it to try to sell $15 rhodos

more psuedoscience. actually I don’t think psychics even try to call themselves a science so it’s just plain lies. I love it how they claim “we only deal in the positive” so what do they say to cancer patients? maybe they tell them that their tumour will smell like jellybeans. not really an unbias view of the “future”. also $10 is pretty cheap these days, I’d expect very little for $10 and if someone was selling a service for only $10, I’d look out. also – “the karming light”? puns like that deserve pain


pet of the week. it’s funny enough as it is


who designed this? who out there has such a hardon for redundancy?


I personally know 4 children who’ve started smoking, not because of their friends or parents, but because when they’ve been buying candy or party pills from the dairy, they’ve been exposed to rows of cigarettes.
maybe I’m just cynical, or maybe it’s senility, but I just don’t see this doing much. maybe they need to do everything they can, but what about freedom man? what about the right to choose what smokes I want to buy?
do you ever wonder if the cigarette companies are in bed with the cancer industry?



no shit

this is from new zealand’s premier paedofile grooming guide, girlfriend magazine. in an article about being a teenage mother, out of all the statements she made, this is the one they quoted.. h o l y s h i t

funk what by ophalm
February 27, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,
when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

funk that. a store with a name that is a pun of “fuck that”. right from the moment your eyes are insulted by it’s shopfront 50 meters away, you just know this store is class.
the guy who owns the store (“the funk that guy”) is one dodgy mother fucker. he makes his living through evading every laws using loopholes and by selling crack cocaine to school children. he imports stuff that no-one can (wants to?) because he imports them broken down or stuffed in my-little-pony dolls. just so you and I can take our drugs more efficiently.
also so we can buy ninja stars and big swords and posters of cannabis smoking aliens (probably, I’m not sure of that but every lame store like this has those “bring me to your dealer” – “lol”). you can buy all your legal “highs” although I’m convinced the down you get from those “highs” outweigh any shuddery benefit.
have I mentioned the store front is highlighter green? did I mention you can buy cannabis growing equipment? what about tacky-as-fuck zippo lighters? what about weed tins that have pictures of magic mushrooms on them?
what about coloured contacts? or misleading signs for round the clock “tattoos”?

at least it’s mostly cheaper than cosmic corner, which is ironic because when I google “funk that dunedin”, the third link is cosmic corner (without a real link to funk that in sight)

cookathon I by ophalm
February 26, 2009, 7:00 am
Filed under: dunedin, student life, uni | Tags: , ,

the cookathon is really just a bingeathon. people come from all around, dress up, get drunk, go to the cook and then get more drunk. I’m sure for every laugh there is a tear and I’ve documented some of the madness. I didn’t really try too hard as you can tell, I just stood over the road briefly. poor journalism my friends

om-8317-0902251you can see their panties
om-8319-0902251way to advance the stereotype
om-8329-0902251cappy cook pours out his urine into patrons mouths
om-8331-0902251a loving tender embrace
om-8338-0902251this girl looks so lost

so she went homeom-8339-0902251arguments at the door
om-8340-0902251the fuzz were out in force. free bouncers

at the end of the day though, the cookathon gives us one thing alone:

it’s probably fun if you’re involved and are one of the lucky few to have a good time without cheating on a partner or getting in a fight or throwing up on yourself or one of the many other charming activities those involved end up in. we can only look forward to future cookathons

the day of stalls by ophalm
February 25, 2009, 3:10 pm
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, horrible, mockery, otago, politics, student life, uni | Tags: , , , , ,

I’m not sure what it’s called. that day when you go to campus and all the banks try to sell you bank accounts and free giveaways.. had a visit today. the weather was shit and the mood depressing. not too many students, as it was also the cookathon, and mainly just muddy grass and hotdogs

teach the controversy

teach the controversy

what else can be said?


stop, tamrtime

stop, tamrtime

tamrtime Globus. there’s posters all around uni. “real food” they say. “no added flavours” huh.. I tried a free sample. it was figgy. “Delicious, Natural, healthy, Nutritious” why only 3 of those 4 words require capitals is beyond my understanding, same with the the lack of vowels in the name


"make it count"

"make it count"

apparently you should only drink one beer. or maybe I didn’t get the message. I wasn’t prepared to go up and see what it was actually about, just stand and photograph from a distance just for you. but it’s a beer with it’s own tap and somehow a beer is being used to promote not binge drinking.. mixed messages guys


have no doubts - they guys do illegal drugs

have no doubts - they guys do illegal drugs

so this is norml. they love that tree don’t they? there’s not much else to be said, other than to note how they love brown

this is what those on the inside call a "deal"

this is what those on the inside call a "deal"

swapping phone numbers so they can swap ounces for money


fitness is the fastest route to public embarrasment

fitness is the fastest route to public embarrasment


personally the idea of fitness doesn’t bode well for me. I know I should, but then I see these guys and am reminded of what being fit does to one


the least visited website

the least visited website

in theory this website is a good idea, but in practice no-one goes to it and therefore no-one trades anything. I’d say “put in some effort, jump on the ship” but I’m not that kind of person, in fact I’d say “don’t go to it” because I don’t want to prolong their pain (kindness resides within)


ignore the girl, she got in the way

ignore the girl, she got in the way

do we really need another terrible energy drink? that’s not a rhetorical question, and the answer is “no, we sure as hell don’t”, especially since the uni wouldn’t sell it anyway, because the naughty capitalists have made the uni a one-brand-of-drink-haven

I also came home freebeeless. and the banks were out in force trying to get those poor students to join their “student” accounts so they can be raped of every last cent by a large soulless corporation. but apparently you get $40 if you join.. something tells me they wouldn’t give you $40 unless they made way more than that back, because they are banks and they are experts at making profits from money, not gullible fools giving away free cash..

tales from the pit of despair II by ophalm
February 24, 2009, 10:12 pm
Filed under: terrible fiction | Tags:

giving you the worst even though you don’t want it

Guess who I met today
I was in a local healthy/expensive type supermarket here in Shackleton (we have a lot of those) and I’m in line to buy some ham at the deli there. The lady asked me what kind, and I said “I have no idea what different kinds of ham there are lady” ENTIRELY too loudly and the guy behind me in the line noticed burst the hell up laughing.

I turn around. Steve Martin.

He kinda half leans around me and says “Honey glazed” to the lady over the counter and I just kinda stare at him for a sec then smile and say thanks. I’m about to pay for it and he says “No way this one’s on me” and pays the woman for it right there. I was astounded – I thought you had pay at the checkout; and it was so awesome that I did the only thing I could think of … The Three Amigos salute. Once again he cracks up and asked me if I had any idea how long it had been since someone did that. I said “a year?” he said “try ten”.

We ended up having coffee at a place across the street. Turns out he bought a house in Monticeto, a really expensive residensial area in SB, and has been living here a while. We talked about everything that wasn’t his career for about 45 miniutes before he had to take off because his deli stuff was gonna go bad. I shook his hand and said he made my year today. He smiled and beat my head in with a tire iron.

critic cavern 24/02/09 by ophalm
February 24, 2009, 7:59 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery, student life, uni | Tags:

one day hopefully you’ll realise that critic is a magazine, run and owned by the ousa (meaning it’s owned by our debts to the government) and delivered weekly during the semesters to the campus where you can pick one up and inject yourself with your weekly dose of university approved sarcasm (propaganda)

web 2.0 as fuck

web 2.0 as fuck

sometimes (often and consistently) though, critic falls on it’s face. for all the journalistic integrity it has, it also has to have mass (tween) appeal and also not be too controversial; which compromises the fine tenets of journalism.
and sometimes it falls on it’s face plainly because it’s just not all that funny. and since otago massacre is all about striking the fallen at their weakest points – welcome to the cavern

as far as I know critic hasn’t come out this week. but they have a website which I have lazily ‘panty raided’


so they themselves have a “blog” but I use that term loosely. typically a blog has more than one entry and doesn’t consist of a vegetable juice giveaway. you used to be cool critic

have you heard of youtube?

have you heard of youtube?

and here, filed under their humour section, they have embedded a youtube video. seriously, could it get weaker? 50 jokes in 149 seconds? you’ll never catch the massacre stooping to such a level. I promise you the only way I will ever use a youtube video as a post in of itself would be if we made it. at least they admitted that the video is funnier than their lists.

there’s more to the critic website but it’s not really worth visiting. critic the magazine at least gives you 5-10 minutes of entertainment when you should be studying on whatever day it comes out, but the website? horse shit.

ScrumpV is the 09 drink of the year by ophalm
February 22, 2009, 12:23 pm
Filed under: drugs, philosophy, student life | Tags: ,

as long as people have been drinking, people have been challenging the status quo about what to drink. it used to be beer/wine/mead and then spirits came on the scene. many years passed and with the boom in teenage drinking such concepts as RTDs came about and none of this is relevant really to the fact that every year a drink stands above the rest and claims the following year for itself.

2009 is the year of ScrumpV and what sets ScrumpV above the rest is that not only is it a drink, it’s a process

so we’ve got scrumpy. it’s not just a brand, it’s a style of cider. it’s alcoholic and somewhat bitter

and we’ve got V. everyone knows what this is.

so what’s ScrumpV then? if I had to put it into words I’d say it was a mixture of the two, but are words enough?
it’s not just the combination, but the way the combination is formulated. see, anyone with a brain can see that you can’t fit a can of V into a bottle of scrumpy. you could pour it into a glass, but then it wouldn’t be ScrumpV and it would simply be lame.
so what you do, is you take a sip of your scrumpy. whenever there is some room left at the top of the bottle (as the case would be if you sipped like I just told you to) you pour some V in. so slowly the drink transforms from scrumpy and a can of V to ScrumpV. when does this transition occur? when does it change? a philosopher has debated this recently and has come to no conclusion, apart from to say that afterwards, it is certain that ScrumpV had occurred.

some people often ask me what ratio of scrumpy to V. this is open to interpretation but there are clear upper and lower bounds. no less than one 250ml can and no more than one 500ml can per one bottle of scrumpy. this might sound like tight regulations but life isn’t easy.

so there you go. 09 drink of the year. send in your photos of you drinking ScrumpV and I’ll send you an old magazine

how to look like a douchebag II by ophalm
February 21, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, mockery, student life | Tags:



this isn’t strictly douchebaggery, but still, being caught on camera during a riot is potentially a good thing. being caught in that same situation while carrying a can of pulse.. instant credibility failure there my son

chicken guilt II/II by ophalm
February 20, 2009, 12:00 pm
Filed under: cartoon, nonsensical | Tags: ,




credit to saccharomycetaceae and ophalm for the artistry