otago massacre


Student Feng shui by strangelyanonymous
March 30, 2009, 12:59 am
Filed under: guide, nonsensical, philosophy, student life | Tags:

posted by strangelyanonymous

As an aspiring child of knowledge it is imperative that you arrange your living space to best capture the energy flow to harmonize your life and learning. Drawing on millennia of ancient knowledge and improvable statement I present here to you the complete feng shui guide for students.

1: always keep your window open because it will allow circulating chi to be rejuvenated and will go some way to removing the odors that are incontrovertible proof of your atrocious lifestyle.

3: Always keep a teddy bear in plain view in your room. Teddy bears are strongly symbolic of new life and will give the impression to visitors that you have a soft side and are not a sociopath. In contrast always keep the chainsaw out of sight.

12th: If you have a picture of Ghandi in your room (and lets be honest, who doesn’t?) ensure that you maximise the flow of pacifism through the image by writing the word ‘wuss’ in italicised boldface captials. The finished text should look similar to this: “WUSS“.

6: Instead of using cumbersome drawers or filing cabinets, store your treasures and important documents close to earth so they can absorb the natural aura of mother nature to keep them safe. Under the floorboards is usually the best place for keeping human remains and/or blackmail photos of StudyLink staff in compromising positions.

H: Your textbooks are representative of western consumer philosophy – which is bad for your karma. Do not let them into your room, your inner sanctum. For reasons I can’t get into here, I recommend burning them and coating yourself in the ashes while singing Kumbayah ever-so-softly.

5: To enhance concentration in times of mental fatigue, try burning methamphetamine incense. The welcoming aroma from these mystical crystals will remind you of open fields and forgotten vendettas – re-invigorating your focus.

4: Try to keep as many used food containers as possible in your room. The residual life force will become apparent during the waxing of the lunar cycle and they will come in handy for those 4am scrambles to find something to vomit in.

2: To alleviate stress in difficult times – move your bed to block the doorway in the north wall. This will keep the calming natural essences locked into your living area as well preventing the man outside from getting in and attacking with a golf club you for what you did to his first-year daughter behind the Gardies car park.

***

If you follow these simple rules you will have no trouble flying through your degree with barely adequate marks and you’ll be suckling at the teat of capitalism in no time. Plus you get that photo of you in the gown and silly hat. Hang it on the east wall to minimize the flow of broken dreams that emanates from it.

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THE INTERNET IS GOLDEN PART E by dangercore
March 29, 2009, 11:00 am
Filed under: horrible, nonsensical

posted by dangercore

knitcoral
I WAS GONNA SAY “THIS IS ONE OF THE BETTER KNITTED CORAL DISPLAYS THAT I HAVE SEEN” BUT THAT’D BE CLEEEEESHAY AS FUCK. AS IT STANDS ITS THE BEST ONE I HAVE EVER SEEN

leftout
WHO DO I FEEL SORRY FOR? THE FAT CHICK WHO WAS LEFT OUT OR THE SLUTS WHO HAVE PUT THEIR BODIES ON THE INTERNET FOR ALL BRANDS OF PEDOPHILES TO SEE?

lol
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

lovitz
OH GOD I LOVE JON LOVITZ! THIS WAS FROM AN EPISODE OF JERRY SEINFELD BUT I NEVER SAW IT JUST THIS PHOTO

loyalty
THIS IS THE MOST SAD PICTURE ON THE INTERNET. THIS DOG IS LOYAL BEYOND DEATH 😦



earth hourailure by ophalm
March 28, 2009, 11:17 pm
Filed under: horrible, politics | Tags: ,

well it’s earth hour currently. turn off your lights for one hour. dunedins on board but what does that mean? the street lights are still on and from my scientific study of looking out the window I see little others joining.

beforeafter

see this isn’t totally relevant because it’s a different city (canberra) from a different year but because the state of humanities’ terribleness is a constant I’m sure this works

graph

so I applied fancy computer algorithms to both pictures to get a histogram and as you can see the difference is 4.355×10^-4 of sweet fuck all

so does no-one care? I guess it’s good that the idea highlights an issue -I’m not totally cynical- but I think having everyone turn off their lights, it’s just a bit weak really isn’t it?
maybe they could have a ‘no drive a car day’. that would actually be worthwhile, and it would be something easy for me to achieve too, because the one thing the organisers of the event have forgotten, is that society will never do anything that requires any form of sacrifice or effort



tales from the pit of despair IV by ophalm
March 28, 2009, 4:13 pm
Filed under: horrible, nonsensical, terrible fiction | Tags: , ,

posted by ophalm

in my efforts to inform the world of the latest and the greatest, I want to present a new movement that’s emerging simultaneously in eastern europe and the arctic, and that is the practice of meatopathy

comparable to naturopathy in naming conventions, meatopathy is an approach to holistic health by making sure one’s consumption consists of nothing but meat. if this sounds crazy, it is. but all the best ideas are crazy

in a nutshell, the scientists of eastern europe and the arctic have discovered that the human gut cannot actually process vegetables, and that it is only the gut of the beast that is able to. vegetables of course are required to survive, but essentially we need the beast as the proxy digestive agent. animals consume vegetables, which turns into meat, and we consume the meat.

meat2241

I’ve frequently wondered if anyone will ask me such questions as “why meatopathy?” and “how does this seem like a good idea?” and let me tell you I have wizz bang answers for everyone and everything thing.

here are some facts!

  • meat is high in protein
  • meat comes from animals
  • the production of meat pumps out millions of tons of co2 every year
  • meat is delicious
  • meat is backed by the meat foundation
  • chicken is a form of meat

often crazy vegetarians will “inform” you that meat involves the murder of animals but have they ever considered that without meat the animals wouldn’t be alive? that we wouldn’t have bred cows and sheep from the ancestors and we wouldn’t have the sheep or the cow? and what about pigs – nature’s jolly fat people? if we didn’t have pigs we wouldn’t have cartoons based on pigs and we would have less bacon

so is there anything special required to practice meatopathy? well there is a training seminar to be held soon in the golden centre. it only costs $3 and you get a pamphlet and some ribs and you too can learn the practice of helping the world through meat. see meat does not just nourish your body but also your soul, and that my friends is something that cannot have a price attached.



recession on wall street by ophalm
March 27, 2009, 5:50 pm
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,

posted by ophalm

one-8385-090327

it's so shiny!

what do we have here? apparently someone didn’t get the message that the world’s economy has turned to ass and they’ve decided to build a new mall. in dunedin. and name it after a street that houses most of the banks that shat directly into our faces

one-8388-090327

wall street on george street

being the kind of person I am, I’m actually offended by this mall. not because of anything in particular but because of everything in particular. I hate malls. I’m from christchurch which is like the land of milk, honey and malls. and in the process of building the malls they tore down the milk and honey so now it’s just malls. I can think of 5 large malls in christchurch which all have identical stores and in have turned the centre of town (through drawing people away from it) from something once unique to a cesspit of boy racers and.. well there’s nothing worse than boy racers

and this is what malls do. they have the same shit as every other mall so that people can spend their money in the same way at a number of different geographic locations and look the same as others.

one-8394-090327

and I think this mall must have been built on some ancient indian/aboriginal/african/rasta burial ground because they had this guy “patrolling” the mall, or maybe he was the attraction? when he saw me take a picture of him he smiled and didn’t try to stab me so he’s being paid well enough evidently

one-8396-090327

the mall is not finished. it’s open to the public and no-one has died yet but they are desperate for your dollars so here you go. it’s still a mall. it’s still terrible and hopefully unsafe. you know it’s kind of like a european dance club, minus the strippers – which in this case would have been the only redeeming feature

one-8397-090327

they have a light show. this non-moving image doesn’t show it but those lights change colour. what a great use of the cities electricity. right above bras n things. I wonder what they sell in bras and things? cats? I guess at the very least this mall might give us some sexy underwear. underwear tainted with mall

one-8399-090327

and then there is this. life pharmacy. I’m tempted for my life’s goal to be to bring down the life pharmacy corporation. I’m calling a boycott of the place. just look at it.
I have on 1st/2nd hand knowledge that this place wants your money more than they want you well. “sometimes you need to decide between selling up, or giving the customer the best medicine for them”.. I’m glad profits come before people’s health..

all in all this new mall is nothing but a mall. right now it looks new but in 10 years time it’ll look like the meridian. and people will want a new mall. but malls are the bane of a human’s existence. they destroy community, originality and fun. they attract the worst kind of people possible and they give us nothing.
yet people want them! I talked to some older woman once who were lamenting about this new mall “oh it’ll be great” etc etc and I told them of the legend of how the malls in christchurch destroyed the unique inner city and asked if they were saying that they were willing to sacrifice uniqueness for convenience and when put in those words they said “I.. guess so”.
ultimately the sad point here is that the mall is just a response to the retarded population’s desire to spend money without thinking. I will make it my life’s goal to not spend a cent in there. and bring down life pharmacy. I have a few life goals.



THE INTERNET IS GOLDEN PART D by dangercore
March 27, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: horrible, nonsensical

posted by dangercore

farming
FARMING IS THE BEST.. NO QUESTIONS JUST ASSURANCE

freshprinceevolution
DID WILL EVOLVE FROM PHIL OR WERE THEY BOTH CREATED BY ANDY AND SUSAN BOROWITZ?

gasprices
I DON’T KNOW THE ASNWER!

iamsam
I THINK THIS GAME WOULD MAKE ME CRY UNLESS IT WAS LIKE GTA BUT YOU WERE MENTALLY CHALLENGED LIKE SEAN PENN AND GOT AK47S IN WHICH CASE I WOULD SCREAM!

ignorantvote
THESE PEOPLE ALSO VOTED FOR OUR PRIME MINISTER THE STARRY JOHN KEY



how to look like a douchebag III by ophalm
March 27, 2009, 5:00 am
Filed under: guide, horrible, mockery, student life | Tags:

douce

Fave cartoon character
Captain Planet
Ever found something good in someone else’s discarded trash?
Yes, a pogo stick when I was a kid
What event would you put on in the new stadium?
Three ring circus
If you were to dress up as a fictional character, who would it be?
Quail Man
Cheap drink deals – more money left over for the bills or a bigger night out?
Bigger night
Who would you most want to see naked on the internet?
Dr Phil

this guy is a fucking tool. look at him. there is nothing redeeming about him apart from his choice of cartoon character, and the only reason I say that is because before I read it I asked myself that question and thought “captain planet” – when I saw he chose it too I felt ashamed, but not as much as this guy’s mother must be