otago massacre

critic cavern 17/08/09 by ophalm
August 17, 2009, 10:28 pm
Filed under: mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , , ,


the hardest part about writing these hard hitting critiques of critic is the opening paragraph. this week I’ve managed to get around with some meta bullshit but what will I do next week? with any luck critic might have been cancelled so it won’t be an issue

but that’s not the case here. and we’ve got a doosy this week too. vampires and the ousa elections and the cook

the ousa elections are like choosing what toilet paper to buy. it’s a decision that affects everyone, but the outcome of the decision doesn’t actually change a god damn thing
so these are our two candidates. tweedle dum and tweedle dee
actually they appear to be polar opposites in a very similar way. harriet reeks of that “please everyone, understand nothing” rhetoric that swamps half the candidates for any election, while nicholas – who looks like the love child of tony zaharic – has taken the “realistic” approach of not making promises but claiming he will listen to the students.
the same message said in two different ways. I’m not going to make any judgement calls on who is better or worse (you can wait till next week’s critic for that šŸ˜‰ ) but as far as making a comment on who is likely to be more popular, well that’s a difficult call. both candidates fall in the middle of the two different boxes (the realist vs the idealist) so I think it’ll actually be a pretty close call

what was interesting was this
our friend from critic cavern a couple of weeks ago, our masturbate-to-napoleon-dynamite, wear-glasses-because-my-eyes-are-fucked, emo friend. now she has a name – stephanie. how coincidental…

because it brings me to this
we have a name for these kinds of people: twilight apologists. a bit like truthers or birthers, only orders of magnitude less relevant, yet equally as boring.
so apparently this was a hater turned lover epic. the problem is, is that she doesn’t truly get the hate. well don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate twilight, I simply haven’t given it enough thought or time to come to such a strong decision, but I do understand the hate. one of my facebook “friends” went and saw it at the movies about 10 times. if this was an isolated case it would mean nothing but it wasn’t, it just goes to show what is so wrong with the twilight obsession – and that is the obsession part. it’s not because of twilight in of itself as far as I am concerned, it’s the level of obsession given just how average, plain and forgettable twilight (undoubtedly) is. if only she could understand that most haters are simply concerned world citizens that regard such issues as actually being fundamentally damaging to society. when she understands that she might move out of her shimmering cave into reality

but if it wasn’t enough that we had an article about vampire stories, we have an article on vampires themselves
“why we love vampires” the nerve. “we” doesn’t include me that’s for sure.
the article is probably shit. unless you like vampires, in which case you will like it simply because it is about something you like. I just picked up critic right now to read it to comment on it but two paragraphs in and I was already reaching for my cutting kit. not worth my time and not worth yours either

something about the police and something about art. two things I didn’t read and I’d encourage you to do the same

who are these cunts?
why do people partake in this. if I was asked to be in it I’d ask them why they came to visit me in my parents basement. I don’t care about fame and I certainly don’t want to be plublished for anyone to see while saying the dumbest fucking shit.
look at jerome. favorite artist is 50 cent. seriously?
francis. likes coheed and cambria. has a girls name and looks like a girl. nice piercings buddy you look like nsync. is clearly offended at the notion of vampires sparkling, most likely has some (sexual) emotional investment
then we have mitch. what does mitch think the university should do to cut costs? get rid of health sci.. fuck me this guy is an idiot. what the university should do is cut the things that cost it money (or are the least profitable), not cut the biggest cash cow the university has. entire departments exist purely because of health sci. approx 10% of the students at otago take HUBS (if my maths is correct). good one mate nice thinking there.
I’d also like to comment on the the kinds of things that make these people worthwhile human beings… nothing. what do they have to say when asked what would make them consider voting for someone? do they bring up any real issues, or just say the first selfish, idiotic idea they had on their top of their heads. maybe they just don’t take it seriously but that’s the fucking problem.

theres an article hidden at the start of this sassy “magazine” about the cook and liquor licenses. I say hidden because it’s extremely easy to not read those articles at the start because they don’t have fancy titles and try to convey their content in brief simply with a witty statement. wanted to leave this rant to the end of this “article” of mine

anyway this article is interesting for the points it raises, well not quite, but the honesty that has come through
the licensing inspector says “I have always hated the cook-a-thon. I have been trying to figure out… ways to stop it”. it’s interesting because it’s clear from this that if the cook had actually been doing anything illegal he could have stopped it, but it’s clear that they aren’t doing anything illegal and so he is powerless to stop it
it’s funny because it’s like he’s just decided it’s bad and should be stopped but it’s not the law talking it’s his old school ways of banning alcohol and dancing and rock and roll. forcing children onto the street to beg for prostitution because it’s their only outlet for their pent up angst

it mentions that the cook-a-thon has become it’s own thing, like it’s actually a living entity. I still think these people don’t understand the issues and the solutions. well the solutions aren’t clear but the issues are a bit clearer and even clearer are what the issues aren’t. the hyde street keg party is a bit of an insight. what soulless money hungry corporation organises this event? the answer is the key to your problems. see the students like binge drinking. it’s not because bars offer opportunities or that there are twenty bottle stores open. people don’t walk down the street and see a bar open at 10am and think “lets binge drink”.. they plan these things. he mentions that some people get up at 4am and start drinking in preparation. he basically has an issue with how other people are living their own lives. if there wasn’t “official” outlets they’d just do it unofficially. if there was only one bottle store in north dunedin people would still drink the same amount. even if the only bottle store was in south dunedin people would still drink the same, the only thing that would change would be how people got to the store.
if you want to stop binge drinking, you need to ask why do people want to binge drink. not try to cut off their supply.
once again the authorities have no idea that you need to fix the cause not the symptom

why students like to binge drink is probably the high correlation between binge drinking and having a fucking awesome time.

what else is there? nothing.. I disagree with human lefts and don’t understand two of the cartoons in the back. that’s some effort

critic cavern 13/08/09 by ophalm
August 13, 2009, 9:41 pm
Filed under: mockery | Tags: ,


sometimes critic is so bad that ripping the shit out of it is like shooting fish in a barrel. other times it’s so uninspiringly devoid of any thing of any interest – even bad – that ripping the shit out of it is like trying to catch water out of a barrel.. yep

this analogy is beautiful because you’ll see that catching water out of a barrel, while easy, also takes a long time; and is terribly boring as hell to watch

guess which one this weeks was
that is why there is no cavern. but exciting times may come in the future. stand strong

news watch 10/08/09 by ophalm


news8just when you thought life couldn’t get more mad this happens. widen understanding huh? at the end of the day though you have two mutually exclusive religions. you can teach tolerance in the sense that one will “tolerate” the other but is that good enough? where is the atheism stand in the middle offering the rational alternative? nope buddy

newas8somehow these people are retarded yet look normal and can speak in formed sentences

news6it took me a while to understand what the fuck this ad was trying to say. what was I missing? tv that’s what. it fucks me off that it assumes that a) I watch tv and b) watch some shit hospital show. thanks to this ad powershop I will never give you sweet $$

news5there are few things that truly call for alarm but this fits the bill

news4no fucking shit. most obviousĀ blatantĀ advice ever

news3haha this seems upon first glances to be an ad for kindy but closer inspection reveals its child prostituting ways

news1a closer look:
“to unfurl the body is to enable the body to strengthen, straighten and evolve to its optimum potential”.. god I hope that people read that and realise what bullshit it is. the body itself will evolve to it’s own potential, all you need to do is unfurl.. maybe it’s this kind of shit that caused the economic crisis?

Sometimes news articles are not very good by criticalwat
August 8, 2009, 3:29 pm
Filed under: mockery, rant | Tags: , , , ,


Sometimes some things are not very good. Occasionally I will write about them.

If you enjoyed this article you may also enjoy watching elderly people yell at their television sets.

Sometimes news articles are not very good
Hackers target Twitter,Facebook

Firstly they use the term “Hackers” wrongly. I won’t go into detail of the idea of white hat and black hat hackers or how the term crackers is sometimes used to describe such acts but the common usage of the term (i.e. breaching the security of a computer for fun or profit) does not apply here.

Instead what actually happened was that a large group of computers called a botnet were (willingly or unwillingly) used to request a page on those sites multiple times causing intense strain on Twitter and Facebook’s servers until they went down.

Secondly the heading “ANTISOCIAL ATTACKS”. Get it? because they are attacking social networking websites so therefore it is an “Anti Social” attack? I feel both entertained and informed from this article now.

Thirdly an utterly pointless interview

“For lawyer Zabi Nowald, it was just another day — Twitter or no Twitter — as he headed to work in downtown Los Angeles with a laptop in one hand and a Blackberry in the other.

“None of my friends do Twitter; none of my employers do,” said Nowald, 27. “It affects my life zero. I lost something I never had.”

Why? Why did you include this interview in the article? Who is Zabi Nowald and what does he have to do with evil hackers stealing our internets? Should I ask him about how my posting on otago massacre affects him to pad out my writing?

“For lawyer Zabi Nowald, it was just another day — criticalwat post or no criticalwat post — as he headed to work in downtown Los Angeles with a laptop in one hand and a Blackberry in the other.

“None of my friends read his posts; none of my employers do,” said Nowald, 27. “It affects my life zero. I lost something I never had.”

Generally as a whole article it just kind of skips about randomly listing fragments of interviews and how north Korea attacked a bunch of governmental websites in the USA instead of giving any solid reasons about why someone might of done this and what the possible implications could be (outside of twitter)


Much like how when you think you have finished being violently ill then a bit more comes up sometimes I will write more words at the end of my posts.

Sometimes News Corp is not very good

  • Recently they decided they aren’t making enough money from advertising so they are going to start charging people for all of the content on their websites. From an interview with Rupert Murdoch in the article “To stop readers simply migrating to the free news websites of rivals, News Corp would “just make our content better and differentiate it from other people”” (link)
  • Rupert Murdoch is also mad about amazon not giving him more money and the names of subscribers from people who buy the subscriptions on the Kindle e-book reader to the wall street journal. Zabi Nowald could not be reached for comment (link)

critic cavern 14/07/09 by ophalm


I actually came across this by accident this week. I intended to pick it up from somewhere else, but I saw it while marching to the toilet before my 9am lecture. I didn’t know it circulated this widely but lessons can be learnt any day but sunday and that’s not today.

it’s really quite tempting to say something about the cover. to make a comment about the article of internet memes. it really infuriates me so much, on so many different levels for so many different reasons that I’m afraid I can’t make comment because I know I won’t be able to do my absolute hatred justice

so they’re renaming re-o week to take two. “a rose by any other name is still a rose” is a famous quote which, while it hits the nail on the head, fails to describe the depth of the situation. see whether otago likes it or not, it’s reputation is drunken parties. degrees come a distant second I’m sorry. the drug of the nation is being consumed at an ever increasing rate and the only thing to do is to join it. renaming it won’t have prevented the castle street keg party last night, and it won’t prevent first years from losing their date-rape virginities either. effort in a different way… maybe?

but what about the rest of the magazine? it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I think I said that in the last post but maybe it’s getting through to you. see some of the columns are new! fantastic I can hear the angels singing.

there’s an obsessive compulsive “red shoes diary” fan who writes for a column called “AV’S SWEET” and it’s name is emma tate. she likes tv. waaay to much apparently. not smart enough to download tv though, just stream it, and not smart enough to write a column worth reading. anyone who has enough time to watch the shit she gloats about doesn’t deserve my time nor my semen

“what maketh the man?” by kavi chetty. an article about moustaches. I’m gonna call his bluff and say that he wrote this article purely from a perspective of admiration for something retro, but without actually having the balls to do anything about it. does kavi have a moustache? I’m betting no, and if I’m right then I’m also right about his propensity for touching other men’s scrotums. personally I have a moustache. in a technical sense anyway.

“oooh snap!” I am so glad the unitards have some kind of extra outlet on top of facebook for posting pictures of themselves drunk. “hey look at me I’m contributing to the nation’s disgrace, can’t you see I’m drunk!”

there was a higher than normal proportion of articles about murder and fighting and death and punching and all things that seem horrible. I guess it’s good that there is information getting out there, but where are the outlets for the anger built up from finals?

page 55 have a nice wee third page ad about brazilian waxes just below a nerd article. who plans this magazine? the pirate bay going “legit” is an interesting concept, although what affect it will have on the greater torrent community is uncertain. I know that most people are moving away from the public sites (pirate bay, mininova etc) to private and even secret trackers. harder to get stung. personally I’m surprised NZ doesn’t have it’s own one, it’s about time. everyone knows that copyright holds the public back and that’s it’s only real goal is to increase the wealth gap between the rich and the poor! the only war is class war my friend. so who wants to come with me to get a brazilian?

and there you go. another week down

news watch 25/05/09 by ophalm
May 25, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: dunedin, entertainment, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,

posted by ophalm

just before doing the recycling like the amazing citizen than I am, I realised I had not read – and consequently destroyed – the paper. either the star or d scene. I’d tackle the ODT but critic apparently has a (shitty) monopoly on that, and that would require spending funds on it. if you want to buy it for me, you’re welcome of course

buy from the rob roy dairy so they can afford to buy more ads please

apparently people like to urinate all up and down baldwin street, and in fact this guy here was caught defecating near the top. when questioned, he told the police he was trying to have a “turd race”.. wtf? seriously need more than one turd to have a race

and then this old guy complains about students getting killed! I mean, my heart goes out to the students who died here 8 years ago playing a wicked drunken stunt, but he is offended and not at all proud. if you didn’t want to be a life saver mate maybe you should have lived in a different house mate.

this old guy apparently is having something to do with getting in bands etc for the new stadium. but because it’s so ridiculously big, they can’t have anyone, only people like elton john.. elton john in dunedin? maybe, but look at what he said, rap and metal out of the question? you’ve lost me. you’ve lost me as a patron for good

this is from d scene. they go around on the weekend taking photos of drunks and ask them for quotes. but mainly, how terrible is their printing? I look at them and think “something is wrong, oh it’s shittily printed”. why is that acceptable?
take these two sluts for example
I only assume they are sluts due to their makeup, going so far as to put blue eyeliner in their eyes! well maybe, or perhaps d scene has terrible terrible printing presses, my god this is apalling
that said, they could be still be sluts..

and then there is this


compulsory face stretching

if I was making an ad to do with superficial physical appearance, I’d keep my basic proportions, in proportion

critic cavern 18/05/09 by ophalm
May 18, 2009, 7:22 pm
Filed under: entertainment, mockery | Tags: , ,

posted by ophalm

well once again the steamroller at uniprint has dropped off another steaming pile of shit right into my monday morning hands – thanks!

do you ever sit in your first lecture on monday morning, wondering where the weekend went, wondering what the lecturer is on about, and pull out critic magazine and read it? then you’re a terrible student and you probably deserve to fail. but at least it was entertaining for a short time, to bask in the glory of amy josephs critic

this weeks installment tackles a few issues which are relevant.. good I guess. shall we dive in? shall I bless you with my opinion? I tell you what I won’t bless you with – scans of this critic. mainly because there is nothing interesting to scan, you’ll have to fetch critic for yourself this time so you can follow my “what to deride” handbook in this handy internet form

facialbook in the link
well not just the link, all over the uni. get better internet university. don’t make students use it less, just fix it. if they’re using it so much, it must be because they want to be using it. if you take it off them, it will annoy them and the only winners will be no one. or charge more. we know you’re going to charge more anyway, just charge even more on top of that

international student costs rising
it’s about time
not really. it’s pretty extreme. I don’t know what to say about it though as I’m uninformed on the topic. surely they do it for a reason, but what that reason is I don’t know. why am I even bringing it up?

abe gives us a nice wee story about cannabis
420 protests and the related issues
if you’ve been reading this site for any length of time you’ll know (and love) my position – cannabis should be a health issue not a legislative one. so what abe says is something I can more or less agree with. and in fact the only reason I’m making light of this, is that this is what the otago darknet is here for. because sometimes things that shouldn’t be illegal are. and protection in those instances is vital
(note: I’m not saying that so that people start dealing on the net – I just think these are instances where levels of secrecy and safety are required)

pass the source
I think they misspelt “pass the sauce”. here’s an “interesting” wee article all about open source software and it’s benefits. they also mention this site as one that is equally as time wasting as “facebook” and “digg”.. the only problem there is that no one uses digg.. but still thanks!
I have a bit of a perspective on open source software. I tend to be a bit of a capitalist/pragmatist in this situation. I’d use open source software because it’s better, not because it’s cheaper. which means that until recently I used firefox instead of IE (IE is shit), but lately I’ve been using google chrome, because it’s fast. firefox has nice extensibility, but that’s it really. it’s slow. they’re both still better than IE, but the point of the story is use the best tool for the job, and in most cases that means heading on over to the pirate bay (or whatever tracker you choose) and downloading the software
for most people the OS is not an issue. computers don’t come without OSs unless you go out of your way to do so, so that price is absorbed and invisible. and from there on, the choice is either to pay, pirate, or go free.
see out of those three choices, as far as the corporations are concerned, two of them are identical. see if you buy office MS gets $$. if you go open source, they don’t. if you pirate, they don’t either. so really, out of the two free options, piracy and open source, you then choose what is the best option. from a financial and practical point of view, piracy almost always wins. there are so many advantages and the disadvantages are small. and please note I’m not telling anyone to do this (please buy products – keep the cogs of consumerism turning no matter what you do), I’m just saying it makes sense.
because pirated goods are better in more than one way, since you get the benefits of decent software with none of the crippling anti-piracy measures intact, because you got a key gen. you don’t have to “dial home” to confirm it’s a legit copy, because the hacker did a good job.
but enough of that immoral rant. open source software is good in concept, but it’s just not good. and that’s the problem. open office is pretty damn average. I used it for a long time, but gave up after it frustrated me with it’s little issues.
the guy recommends ubuntu. I’ve tried out ubuntu a number of times, I even had them send me some CDs like 5 years ago. but like linux always is, it’s just too hard for regular people.
recently I tried to make a usb OS, with kubuntu on it. I looked up how to do it, ran the kubuntu live CD, and when I went to download the files, I realised it hadn’t connected to the internet, and wasn’t even trying, since it didn’t support my wireless card. so I started windows back up and found out I’d have to use a wrapper to wrap the windows drivers and somehow make that available to my cd based OS.. it was just too fucking hard. too much console time.
now I’m not saying I couldn’t do it. in fact you’d better fucking believe me when I say I could; once I got linux (slackware, none of that already-done-for-you bullshit) running with two monitors off two different graphics cards (AGP & IDE).. so the command line does not scare me
but it does put me off. and every time someone running linux has to do that, they lose a user.
but I know it’s not really their fault they can’t include that stuff due to licensing issues etc. unfortunately for them, that’s what they’re going to have to deal with first. make linux so it’s as easy to use as windows (all the time, even when shit fucks up) and maybe
what a rant sorry. I could go on but it’s boring. if you wanna debate this nick and adam it’s on; thanks for the nod btw

until I got to dunedin I hated graffiti. that’s because in chch it’s just tags tagz and more tags. fuck I hate tags.
but I got here, and there was interesting special art which wasn’t so shit and devoid of anything worthwhile.
but this article is mostly about ‘toilet wisdom’, and I hear there’s a big “otago massacre” graffiti in the union girls toilets. good work to whoever did that. no doubt drunken/drugged at the time too – even better

and that is about it
another week of critic. sure there are more articles. the same shit every week. sometimes a chuckle comes out, but then I realise what just happened and I vomit. so yeah. don’t bother reading past what I commented on. in fact don’t read that – I don’t want you judging what I wrote based on the source material

critic cavern 05/04/09 by ophalm
May 5, 2009, 2:07 pm
Filed under: horrible, mockery, uni | Tags: ,

posted by ophalm

last weeks critic was p.avg so I didn’t bother doing anything on it. this week too is pretty average. honestly it’s never anything but, but there were a couple of things in this episode that warranted some attention


do we really need masks and tamiflu? is that really resonsible? I mean, just down the page they highlight how many people the normal flu kills but then instill more paranoia into the critic reading public. also that picture of the pig pisses me off chronically. don’t you feel rage? tamiflu is like $75… good thing you can only get it if you’re actually sick


and that ignorance seems to extend to the student population too.. check out the girl on the right. scarlett. I liked her view of the cctv problem but when asked if she was afraid of swine flu she comments “I’m vegetarian”.. holy shit are some people stupid. critic slops on pigs, this girl things she won’t get swine flu coz she doesn’t eat pork.

what is wrong with the world? I’ll venture and say this magazine is what is wrong. the sole cause of the world’s issues.

what about the rest of the magazine? well drug issues in mexico need to be dealt with, as long as more people are realising prohibition harms more than it helps then the message is getting out there so I can’t complain really.. and yeah. read it for yourself and think about the shit in there. please

news watch 26/04/09 by ophalm
April 26, 2009, 7:22 pm
Filed under: drugs, entertainment, horrible, mockery

posted by ophalm

will newspapers ever get the message that nobody reads them and that they are worthless? thankfully yes due to declining sales they will get the message through the sure messenger of redundancy


here’s some information for you. in order for cows to give us milk they need to have given birth to a little child cow. if the cow actually fed this child cow then the milk wouldn’t be available to drink. so the little cow is disposed of. so we have this mournful cow that’s being forced to give milk. and what happens to this milk?
a bunch of christians are using it in a skulling competition. apparently denigrating the binge drinking community isn’t enough for them so they need to try to copy it as their own, only managing to trivialise the poor cows suffering. good work there

I guess overall it’s a good thing that the newspaper is encouraging composting, but seriously, do people really need to be taught how? can’t they just do it? put your old shit in a bin and wait. it might not smell good, or it might smell fantastic. eitherway your old shit will be even older and confined to one space

I can’t help but feel for the midgets who this advertising campaign neglects

if there’s one thing more important in life than wiping your ass, it’s not getting a loan from crazy cat loans. you’d have to be so desperate and probably want to go spend that money on a new tail pipe or carbon fibre looking dash for your stupid fucking boy racer car.
ever notice how “boy racer” and “boy rapist” are similar word wise and refer to the same group?

homeschooling is a great alternative to – the real world. if you feel the real world is threatening, if you think children should not think for themselves but only as you direct, if you have a family of 6 or more.. then this might be for you. not compatible with critical thinking or socialising

wow this article really puts the anal in banal

fuck jeeze guys I called for a boycott but you homos just don’t get it. you went and gave them money and a reason to exist. šŸ˜¦ life is sad sometimes

what I want to know is, why the hell didn’t I know about this earlier? arguably I could have read this newspaper when it came out but I had tests to fail and now I’ve missed out on Supreme Robot Challenge which was going to be one of the highlights of dunedin’s year and most likely my entire life

want a hand? want to learn how to use your hands? want to make money with your hands? the images at the top right corner show you how dedicated they are to teaching you a lucrative profession:
420 every day my friends – even the polytech agrees