otago massacre

the best ways to die in dunedin II by ophalm
April 4, 2009, 9:19 pm
Filed under: dunedin, guide, horrible, terrible fiction | Tags: , , , , ,

posted by ophalm

once again death blows it’s stinking odour in our general direction. but what if we could make that stench appealing? what if dying in dunedin could be fun and entertaining? no what ifs needed my friends, because the time is here
one thing that’s amazing about death is simply the vast array of choices you have! here are but some

freefall suicide from the richardson building

blue skies mean joyful deaths

blue skies mean joyful deaths

why the richardson building? why not jump to your death off something more interesting? well lets be honest what is more interesting that jumping off of a building with the nickname of “dick”?
if we are truly being honest many things are more interesting and maybe this is what makes jumping off the richardson building such an attractive way to die. it’s humble. pride is a terrible sin and humility is a virtue all but lost in our terrible society. suiciding from the RB brings a smile to a child’s face and a tear to a grandma’s eye. how much are these things worth? they can’t be paid for in money that’s for sure – only in integer values of human lives.

cutting the brake system in boy racer’s cars

ok I’ve turned the notion on it’s head, because the death here is the third person, not the first person, but that’s ok because it’s boy racers that are dying

lets pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

let us pray this was fatal for the boy racer involved

this is lovely because this can be applied in any city in the world. see boy racers are terrible. by definition. if a boy racer isn’t a terrible person, well then they’re not a boy racer.
what we’d like to see done here is sabotage. boy racers often have jobs which they need in order to pay off their ridiculous loans, so they can’t be driving all the time. you need to get under the car and using some tools break the relevant part of the brakes that stops them from dying.
next thing you know, the boy racer is driving (probably excessively in some manner) along and wants to stop but he can’t and if by sheer luck you happen to see this you’ll be filled with joy as you watch his face in shock as his car ploughs into a powerpole and his head is destroyed against the wind screen.
some family members may cry and maybe even the girl he got pregnant after high school cries too. but you can’t win without losing and every time a boy racer dies the universe wins

funk what by ophalm
February 27, 2009, 6:00 am
Filed under: drugs, dunedin, horrible, mockery | Tags: , , , ,
when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

when I read their signs I go into an epileptic fit

funk that. a store with a name that is a pun of “fuck that”. right from the moment your eyes are insulted by it’s shopfront 50 meters away, you just know this store is class.
the guy who owns the store (“the funk that guy”) is one dodgy mother fucker. he makes his living through evading every laws using loopholes and by selling crack cocaine to school children. he imports stuff that no-one can (wants to?) because he imports them broken down or stuffed in my-little-pony dolls. just so you and I can take our drugs more efficiently.
also so we can buy ninja stars and big swords and posters of cannabis smoking aliens (probably, I’m not sure of that but every lame store like this has those “bring me to your dealer” – “lol”). you can buy all your legal “highs” although I’m convinced the down you get from those “highs” outweigh any shuddery benefit.
have I mentioned the store front is highlighter green? did I mention you can buy cannabis growing equipment? what about tacky-as-fuck zippo lighters? what about weed tins that have pictures of magic mushrooms on them?
what about coloured contacts? or misleading signs for round the clock “tattoos”?

at least it’s mostly cheaper than cosmic corner, which is ironic because when I google “funk that dunedin”, the third link is cosmic corner (without a real link to funk that in sight)

march 13th is bring a weapon to class day by ophalm
February 16, 2009, 1:11 am
Filed under: student life, terrible fiction, uni | Tags: , , ,

in keeping with tradition, when a friday the 13th occurs in the month of march, it become bring a weapon to class day.
this is what we call an unsanctioned holiday, meaning that it is no way supported by the university, the police, the human rights commission or anyone at all in the general public. infact it’s safe to say that no-one at all sanctions or encourages this.

the idea is to bring a weapon to class. the main concept is pretty easy but you also get points on the kind of weapon brought, and multiple weapons means a sum of their points. some weapons are given a large amount of points because of difficulty of concealment, risk of self injury and originality. those weapons that are easy to carry obviously represent a small amount of points. if someone is willing to carry a weapon openly in public, there is no benefit or detriment to them points wise, although it will make it easier to gain more points, but also expose themselves to the law – in which case the person’s participation in the holiday is null and void and we will deny all knowledge of their participation.

here is a sample list of some of the weapons that have been used in the past

glock 19 – 46 points
a particular favorite amongst the multi-carriers out there. on it’s own it doesn’t net a lot of points – it’s just too damn easy to conceal, but it’s easy to carry a number of them and it’s gangsta appeal means that you get a lot of street cred for this particular weapon. also, 19 rounds?


prison shank – 28 points + 4 points for rust
not a bad weapon for amateurs. having a home made – home loved feel, it’s perfect for inflicting damage in those that care to come too close. what can be said about such a humble weapon? a design passed down by generations of criminals, it’s a weapon that’s only real rival is the fist itself. bonus points for rust as tetanus turns any woundee from a grisly mess on the ground to a stiff grisly mess on the ground. it’s not really as funny as it is educational


studded mace – 78 points
this is a mixed bag. it’s not easy to conceal and it’s probably easy to drop on your foot, and it’s somewhat original, so it’s got all that going for it; but on the other hand, it’s a weapon that’s probably used in WoW. and that in itself instantly tarnishes any lethality this weapon once had. it’s heritage is so bathed in fantasy no-one is even sure if it ever existed or if was merely the end result of a dungeon master’s wet dream.


harry potter wand – 3 points
are you kidding me? is this really even a weapon? it’s more of a tool used to pick up dudes in a gay bar, just before it’s used to probe them. in fact the only reason it earns points at all is because of the sheer balls required to withstand the shame of bring one to class.







ak47 – 157 points
brutal. simply brutal. very very difficult to conceal, but kinda difficult to self harm with. very easy to non-self harm though, and let’s be honest, that’s what weapons are all about. this weapon has probably killed more men than any other assault rifle, and that places it in a special corner of my heart. if ak47s were a race of people, their females would be the sexiest bitches alive


ninja star – 4 points
pretty lame to be honest. trying to win a competition by purchasing goods from funk that? if it wasn’t for technicalities I wouldn’t even give points for this. it’s easy to conceal, and it’s only value comes from the fact that it’s not too difficult to hurt yourself – although the chances are that it’s not even sharp.


tzar bomba
automatic win, points not even necessary. if you seriously dared bring the largest nuclear weapon ever detonated to class, you’d be an instant winner, slutty girls would be yours for the taking. I mean, the amount of effort probably would not be worth it, but it would be a classic tale and enthrall children at story time for generations to come

the fact is that any weapon will do, and points are awarded on a case by case basis on the criteria I have mentioned plus whatever the judges feel like doing on the day. there is no actual requirement of using the weapon on another person – in fact we strongly recommend against that if we want to continue having this holiday in years to come.

there’s nothing more to add. you have to be in to win. the prizes are