otago massacre


critic cavern 17/08/09 by ophalm
August 17, 2009, 10:28 pm
Filed under: mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , , ,

ophalm

the hardest part about writing these hard hitting critiques of critic is the opening paragraph. this week I’ve managed to get around with some meta bullshit but what will I do next week? with any luck critic might have been cancelled so it won’t be an issue

but that’s not the case here. and we’ve got a doosy this week too. vampires and the ousa elections and the cook

the ousa elections are like choosing what toilet paper to buy. it’s a decision that affects everyone, but the outcome of the decision doesn’t actually change a god damn thing
presidents
so these are our two candidates. tweedle dum and tweedle dee
actually they appear to be polar opposites in a very similar way. harriet reeks of that “please everyone, understand nothing” rhetoric that swamps half the candidates for any election, while nicholas – who looks like the love child of tony zaharic – has taken the “realistic” approach of not making promises but claiming he will listen to the students.
the same message said in two different ways. I’m not going to make any judgement calls on who is better or worse (you can wait till next week’s critic for that 😉 ) but as far as making a comment on who is likely to be more popular, well that’s a difficult call. both candidates fall in the middle of the two different boxes (the realist vs the idealist) so I think it’ll actually be a pretty close call

what was interesting was this
crcav1
our friend from critic cavern a couple of weeks ago, our masturbate-to-napoleon-dynamite, wear-glasses-because-my-eyes-are-fucked, emo friend. now she has a name – stephanie. how coincidental…

because it brings me to this
twighlight
we have a name for these kinds of people: twilight apologists. a bit like truthers or birthers, only orders of magnitude less relevant, yet equally as boring.
so apparently this was a hater turned lover epic. the problem is, is that she doesn’t truly get the hate. well don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate twilight, I simply haven’t given it enough thought or time to come to such a strong decision, but I do understand the hate. one of my facebook “friends” went and saw it at the movies about 10 times. if this was an isolated case it would mean nothing but it wasn’t, it just goes to show what is so wrong with the twilight obsession – and that is the obsession part. it’s not because of twilight in of itself as far as I am concerned, it’s the level of obsession given just how average, plain and forgettable twilight (undoubtedly) is. if only she could understand that most haters are simply concerned world citizens that regard such issues as actually being fundamentally damaging to society. when she understands that she might move out of her shimmering cave into reality

but if it wasn’t enough that we had an article about vampire stories, we have an article on vampires themselves
vampires
“why we love vampires” the nerve. “we” doesn’t include me that’s for sure.
the article is probably shit. unless you like vampires, in which case you will like it simply because it is about something you like. I just picked up critic right now to read it to comment on it but two paragraphs in and I was already reaching for my cutting kit. not worth my time and not worth yours either

something about the police and something about art. two things I didn’t read and I’d encourage you to do the same

who are these cunts?
bunchfives
why do people partake in this. if I was asked to be in it I’d ask them why they came to visit me in my parents basement. I don’t care about fame and I certainly don’t want to be plublished for anyone to see while saying the dumbest fucking shit.
look at jerome. favorite artist is 50 cent. seriously?
francis. likes coheed and cambria. has a girls name and looks like a girl. nice piercings buddy you look like nsync. is clearly offended at the notion of vampires sparkling, most likely has some (sexual) emotional investment
then we have mitch. what does mitch think the university should do to cut costs? get rid of health sci.. fuck me this guy is an idiot. what the university should do is cut the things that cost it money (or are the least profitable), not cut the biggest cash cow the university has. entire departments exist purely because of health sci. approx 10% of the students at otago take HUBS (if my maths is correct). good one mate nice thinking there.
I’d also like to comment on the the kinds of things that make these people worthwhile human beings… nothing. what do they have to say when asked what would make them consider voting for someone? do they bring up any real issues, or just say the first selfish, idiotic idea they had on their top of their heads. maybe they just don’t take it seriously but that’s the fucking problem.

theres an article hidden at the start of this sassy “magazine” about the cook and liquor licenses. I say hidden because it’s extremely easy to not read those articles at the start because they don’t have fancy titles and try to convey their content in brief simply with a witty statement. wanted to leave this rant to the end of this “article” of mine

anyway this article is interesting for the points it raises, well not quite, but the honesty that has come through
the licensing inspector says “I have always hated the cook-a-thon. I have been trying to figure out… ways to stop it”. it’s interesting because it’s clear from this that if the cook had actually been doing anything illegal he could have stopped it, but it’s clear that they aren’t doing anything illegal and so he is powerless to stop it
it’s funny because it’s like he’s just decided it’s bad and should be stopped but it’s not the law talking it’s his old school ways of banning alcohol and dancing and rock and roll. forcing children onto the street to beg for prostitution because it’s their only outlet for their pent up angst

it mentions that the cook-a-thon has become it’s own thing, like it’s actually a living entity. I still think these people don’t understand the issues and the solutions. well the solutions aren’t clear but the issues are a bit clearer and even clearer are what the issues aren’t. the hyde street keg party is a bit of an insight. what soulless money hungry corporation organises this event? the answer is the key to your problems. see the students like binge drinking. it’s not because bars offer opportunities or that there are twenty bottle stores open. people don’t walk down the street and see a bar open at 10am and think “lets binge drink”.. they plan these things. he mentions that some people get up at 4am and start drinking in preparation. he basically has an issue with how other people are living their own lives. if there wasn’t “official” outlets they’d just do it unofficially. if there was only one bottle store in north dunedin people would still drink the same amount. even if the only bottle store was in south dunedin people would still drink the same, the only thing that would change would be how people got to the store.
if you want to stop binge drinking, you need to ask why do people want to binge drink. not try to cut off their supply.
once again the authorities have no idea that you need to fix the cause not the symptom

why students like to binge drink is probably the high correlation between binge drinking and having a fucking awesome time.

what else is there? nothing.. I disagree with human lefts and don’t understand two of the cartoons in the back. that’s some effort

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13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Did you notice the girl has a cool hat?! Im temepted to make a critic carvern cavern because I can never seem to make it the whole way through your rant on critic. Also I hear critic got this new douch to write for them. I might have a go at his lame article, which no doubt it will be.

Comment by Lois Weathers

they do end up pretty long. I never really intend them too

the problem is that I just start giving my uneducated opinion on the topic. the public really appreciates it

Comment by ophalm

As long as critic cavern isn’t longer than critic itself, I’ll appreciate it.

I can’t be fucked reading critic anymore.

Comment by DICKMAN

Reading critic is cool when you’re 18 and hungover or tired from rooting all night, sitting in a 9am lecture, needing something to numb the pain.

I suppose the glossy cover makes a good surface to snort drugs off of?

Maybe if I rolled it up really tight I could use it to beat my flatmate?

Comment by Sarah

why are you guys so mean to everyone? albiet you are somewhat witty, sometimes.

Comment by Gentle Annie

in general, if people put themselves out there, they are open to being critiqued..

also, it’s far harder to be witty while complimenting someone

Comment by ophalm

Sarah really pisses me off, your such a typical 2nd year “im better than first years because I no longer read the critic and I mock those silly people that get drunk every night when really I was one, and am now angry and resentful that it is no longer socially acceptable for me to go out and hit the piss and sleep with a different guy every night because im 20” Your arent better than the first years sarah, in fact your worse purely because you think that your better.

Comment by Anonymous

realistically, noone sleeps with a different guy EVERY night. unless they are a hooker with no days off. and i presume if this were the case, sarah wouldn’t be at uni, nor coherent enough to type.
you’re a fresher deal with the empty, universal insults you get dished. maybe remember a few to re-use next year…

Comment by the real keeper

Anonymous is a slut.

Comment by DICKMAN

No Anonymous, I’m nowhere near second year – but when I was in second year, I thoroughly enjoyed Critic. Critic has its good and bad years, I happen to think that this year it has been pretty lack-lusture and of course, once you have read it for a few years, the humour is less interesting.

I’ve got no interest in sleeping around, never have, but I did like how you assume when a woman talks about sex, she must be a slut. I was remembering back to first year when I still had 9am lectures (after first year, I didn’t have any lectures that early in the day) and wasn’t getting enough sleep in the weekends.

I don’t look down on first years, I’m damn glad I’m not one any more because its fucking hard work trying to get into a competitive entry course and hats off to the people who manage it.

Since when is it unacceptable for a 20 year old to drink? Do you know any 20 year olds? I drink at least as much now as I did in first & second year.
p.s. ophalm is a lightweight.

Comment by Sarah

what the fuck

Comment by ophalm

to elaborate
i am a lightweight through and through these days

Comment by ophalm

Good evening! You know this is the first site, which i really like.
I am from Lanka and also now’m speaking English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: “Risks, 725 mashriq centre, stadium road, karachi.”

Thank you so much for your future answers 8). Angela.

Comment by Angela




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