otago massacre


van wilder freshman year -> bag of shit by ophalm
July 20, 2009, 9:36 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible | Tags: ,

ophalm

I’m so kind to all of you that I watch the horrible hits the hollywood shits out to take your precious dollar. only you’d be a sucker if you actually paid for this, only the bourgeois pay for media, we proletariat download like any real person should

van5

you get to see that girl's boobies later on

so national lampoons van wilder came out a number of years ago, ryan reynolds starred in this “epic” movie about a college party boy who is the life of the school. never mind the stereotype enforcing rampant throughout the film, which is alleviated when kumar slides off a bed and someone takes a shit in a bucket
rated a cockamamie 18/100 at rt

and because it wasn’t awesome enough they made van wilder two the rise of taj. taj being kumar. this movie was simply ass; filmed in london, it was the same as van wilder but different – and substaintally worse in almost every possible way
rated a whopping 8/100 at rt

and because the whore of a franchise that it is hasn’t been raped enough, it’s time to release a third; only this time it’s different. it’s actually van wilder again, but somehow this is his first year at “college”, which would lead to the reasonable conclusion that this was a prequel. I don’t think it was. it was very ambiguous on that topic actually, never once breached.

van3

is that semen?

so what’s this “film” about? well I’ve already told you everything you need to know. van wilder, whoever the fuck he is, goes to americas top party school… but that was back in the 70s and now the army runs the school, and doesn’t allow drinking or kissing. christianity/catholicism has infested the school and when he gets there it’s time to shake some cages.

van5

beach party on campus? here's van himself and the army brat girl he won for no good reason

there is
* stereotypical stoner with rasta accent
* asian who likes boobies, and speaks stereotypical crap english “I rike boobies on butt!”
* asian guy at one stage is swamped by girls but ends up with another asian hottie
* asian hottie poses as stereotypical asian masseuse-cum-whore who covers a penis in peanut butter and a dogs licks it off
* said dog has testicles the size of grapefruit
* dog eats pound of cannabis and gets stoned and shits on floor
* army brats smear their faces with dogshit (complete with corn) face paint, and one licks it off his hands
* army brat girl dumps army brat guy for van wilder
* van wilder ends up being framed by catholic slut and appears to be cheating on army brat girl
* van wilders dad imports metric shittons of sand and turns army wargames into florida style spring break
* someone gives van wilder a blowjob while giving a speech
* lots of exposed boobies – all gratuitous
* condom belt
* water canister is swapped for alcoholic one, producing instant ecstasy like effects in army fools
* gay anal penetration while two army guys tied up to tree
* girl on girl kissing, described as “hot” numerous times
* fat army guy masturbating to gun magazine

van5

just when it couldn't get classier, they hide under a girls bed to catch her dildo after she's finished having a mast

somehow all this and more manages to find it’s way into the movie. as immature as it is, it’s actually better than the rise of taj, but only because it’s once funny. and as I get older, the rampant stereotype enforcing I see in this kind of movie alarms me more and more. how many 16 year olds are going to watch this (11 year olds more like it) and think that as soon as you leave college that it’s only partying, that university is just like high school, that all girls are thin, pubeless, love to get their tits out, love to kiss other girls and want to have sex with anyone. the sad thing is that girls must watch this and think that this is what girls have to do when they get older. literally there is one time during van wilder’s commendering of the sex ed class he shows two girls kissing up the front and says “now this is hot”. sure it’s just a stupid joke, but is it? do people watch this and subconsciously think that is hot, and it’s expected by boys and girls? I don’t know I don’t do psychology but I’m not a retard

van5

nothing spells "oscar material" like a bull dog licking crotch

so there you have it. a shit movie with questionable motives and subconscious scarring fruit. normally I wouldn’t review a movie, it’s a topic that is boring unless the movie is so shit it warrented. have fun cocks!

rated an official otago massacre bogus

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I forgot to mention that it also has the longest opening credit scene in history. it’s so fucking boring and just goes on forever. damn this movie breaks so many boundaries

Comment by ophalm

This is why its great having you. For the single reason that you try protect our brains from the useless shit in the world. Such a noble sacrifice ophalm.

Comment by machinegunjoe




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