otago massacre

critic cavern 18/04/09* by ophalm
April 19, 2009, 4:49 pm
Filed under: entertainment, horrible, mockery, student life, uni | Tags: , , ,

posted by ophalm

why have I asterisked this critic cavern? because this date is slightly misleading. this isn’t an old approach to last weeks but an advanced “critique” of their forthcoming “edition”. why do I have this? I have a feeling someone on the inside of critic feels a threat. to be honest I don’t know how I got this new “episode” early but it’s proving to be to be quite the revealing “installment”


well would you look at this. finally some recognition! it’s not really surprising that once critic got wind of the massacre that they’d be lining up to kiss my sweet ass. I do like their positive spin on how I view them, but I am slightly disappointed that anyone who reads that will have no idea what this site is, with no url to guide them… but big props (to us) for getting into the quotes section too. very humble critic..

but I wonder if they thought their new found love would mean maybe they’d be left alone or treated nicer.. as tempting as it would be to be a reasonable human being, this is the internet and that just won’t do.. plus they insulted my advanced form of punctuation – see I don’t believe in capital letters at the start of a sentence. down with traditions

so what else do we have this week? well the editorial consists of physical proof that the editor has little else to do than to complete facialbook quizzes and then employ the results from f’book’s finest “scienticians” (I’m p.sure amy stole that word from me..) to excuse their bias reporting of exec gossip. but let us be honest, other than critic and the execs themselves, who gives a fuck?

binge drinking is once again being portrayed in a negative light, since some fuckers decided to get on the waste and get in a fight on the union, and some other student gets too reckless at the casino. where are all the positive reports of binge drinking? well actually they do have an article on the hyde street binge a thon. sometimes I wonder if the people promoting “moderated” drinking should try an experiment. hold a keg party like the hyde street one, but limit everyone to 6 drinks. see how much more “fun” it is, and then reassess their goals. eitherway fags who get drunk and start fights are fucking losers and they deserve to have their names published. maybe if we all took mdma instead this wouldn’t happen? and I guess campus watch deserves some credit for stopping the fight. although they probably tried to plant cannabis on the kids who got beaten up

there’s some article on local music. probably a good thing. didn’t read it though, I only listen to fast crew. another article on futurology. I’d recommend only reading the last section of it. why? because it’s the only section I read.

turns out neal barber is gay, although I thought barbers were the straight ones and it was hairdressers that were gay? either way this guy strokes the cock, but isn’t ashamed of it. that’s something I’d like to download.

there’s an article somewhere about south dunedin. too much detail man. south dunedin is horrible and really I like to not think about it as much as possible. it’s so depressing to drive through and I can’t even imagine taking the bus there, being stuck without immediate vacatory abilities would leave me teary, and not the kind of teary that makes me look sensitive, but the kind of teary that comes before a fatal pancreatic stabbing

there’s some article about fashion too. now anyone generally who attempts to be on the edge of fashion always looks like a tool. current fashion trends have grown this doucheness to a whole ‘nother level though. but despite the potential positive approach to terrible fashion we could have had, we have a derision of a practical environmentally friendly form of transport. shame on your macmurdo. the other comments though are relatively spot on, expect maybe about the girls. I guess macmurdo fails by only viewing fashion from a fashion point of view. he does not realise that the girls that wear normal tops and tights – that while they may be committing a fashion faux pas – are actually giving the guys at uni something else to perv at. and don’t worry, we never get tired of checking out bitches (note – girls referred to as “bitches” may or may not actually be bitches, it’s a term of endearment)

is there anything else worth discussing? well I’ve already discussed at depth past the part of critic that has anything interesting, so no. they have no comics that I can find which is possibly a good move given the state of the comical world usually, but disappointing in the sense that bad comics are still more “entertaining” (as in, time consuming) than no comics.

so ‘thanks’ critic for the love and the ‘mutual love’ that we share, although further investigation would show to anyone that our relationship is more like one where we’re an abusive partner and they’re the abused mistress who is convinced that we are truly meant for each other, and that when I abuse them, it’s actually because I love them – maybe they’re right, or maybe they’re damn wrong. no-one will ever know


4 Comments so far
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Critic kissin’ you ass so hard they can taste your taint.

Comment by Sarah

Oh my god, your dream has totally come true man! I cant believe its gottten to this point

Comment by Lois Weathers

Ah, delicious irony. That music feature is by the guy you praise just below, covering the Market Day initiative you like so much, along with similar projects.

PS. Dangerfield, BSc: Registered Scientician, March 2008

Comment by Amy (guess which one?)

I feel truly burnt amy and I feel like you’d done irreparable damage to our mutual love – but you should have known that consistency is not a strong point of mine, and neither is researching or even reading authors names.. I sure hope forgiveness is one of your strong points

and thanks for the update now I know my word of the day scientician wasn’t my word even if I came up with it by myself. the internet has many wonders and many of them bring me to a tear

Comment by ophalm

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