otago massacre

the captain cook tavern by ophalm
February 14, 2009, 5:10 am
Filed under: dunedin, student life | Tags: , , , ,

so I don’t know if you’ve been past the cook lately, but it’s been changing. they’ve painted the outside a new colour, added a terrible mural and they’re doing up the inside. today is opening day (so I hear) so I don’t know what it’s like on the inside, but I walked past it the other day and saw some of what was going on, and it looked kinda weird.. tree paintings. anyway, that’s the least of our worries.

so captain cook is the captain who didn’t find this country, but decided in his infinite wisdom to colonise it. clearly he felt the natives were not abusing the land at an efficient enough rate so he brought english genius to the rescue. this bar is named after him, and it’s opposite uni and suited to drunken tweenage antics.

one of their many renovations has included this lovely image:

a crudely painted capt cook

captain cook squats slightly as he prepares his urine for consumption

what the shit? it looks like ole cookie is fed up with good posture and also with having to leave his table to go to the toilet. is it just me or is he squatting out a ~fart~ while simultaneously taking a leak in his glass? I didn’t realise he was such a piss fiend but paintings don’t lie.
what possessed him to urinate in his own cup? presumably in preperation for a skulling contest? did he drink the cook’s own beer (ironically their cheapest)? is he a meth addict, looking to bake down his waste so he can smoke it to get the last hit from his unprocessed P? has he simply been painted during the middle of a rather unfortunate drunken dare? it’s not really possible to know since he’s dead.


but what we do know is that he brought along his friend to the scat party, the octopus


relevancy, the lost art

maybe this is meant to scare away those that are on the cheap acid that was circulating in 08, or maybe it’s just a drunken child’s dream turned real. whatever it is it’s about as relevant as a car phone during the 1600s (the boylen girls were pimpin’) and that just won’t do. it’s not that I’m against octopii – I mean, the smartest all of all the cephalopods is a feat to behold, but I just don’t get it. maybe I just don’t understand the fanciful imagery of a money hungry bar owner, and maybe I never will; though it will forever give me a reason to confuse the cook with an aquarium.


not that any of this will slow down the rate of broken virginities caused by alcohol inspired sexual excursions that were initiated at this “fine” public establishment, nor will it make the bowler any more appealing as an alternative bar.

oh, and I imagine that scaffolding will go away at some stage, but for now it lets you know that this site is cutting edge and that we let you know what’s going down before it even does.


3 Comments so far
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This type of artwork really angers me, its like a Rita Angus style, not actually a caricature and not actually realistic. In a nutshell Shit.

Comment by Luisa

it angers me too, but that’s because I am sexually attracted to James Cook and this painting furthers my frustrations

Comment by ophalm

[…] just like captain cook here’s more scat fanatics this will be taken so far out of context so this is a band […]

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